Sitting alone on my darkest night/ through piercing pain and body aches/ that picks and throbs at the crown of my head/ and trickes down my middle toe

Thoughts of you spell your name across my mind/ confuse my emotions drowning out my sorrow/ and igniting a possibility of a better tomorrow

Embodied with a soul that brings content to my spirit/ in a time when glee is suppressed by frustation and doubt

Probe my heart as you will/ but undertand that though i guard it with the strength of a mighty fist/ the master key is never hard to find

Having that you seek it with noble intent and desiring need

Expressing my feeling has never been an easy task/ so i hope you shall help guide the way/ with the patience of a gentle black night

Necessary for the feelings i have/ but most importantly for the promise of fulfillment i beg to offer you.

Warm greeting, my Blog Family.

Recently, I've been going through a lot lately dealing with aspects of my life's potential. I always thought that once I graduated high school, that I would immediately go to college, then off to Medical School, and work my ass of in internships pursuing my life's dream of becoming a doctor. I'd imagined that I'd be one amongst many, an elite bunch of doctors, and possibly even the one to cure cancer, AIDS, or Diabetes. That was probably my problem...my imagination runs a mile a minute and I attempt at pursuing every thought and idea that comes to mind. When I was young I'd made up in my mind, that I was going to be a doctor....and nothing else. So, throughout my childhood, grade school, secondary schooling...I was a future doctor. I never gave myself room to consider anything else.

Finally, I got to college...and "Ah, hell," reality set in. Bio, Chem, and all the coursework that was prerequisite for the Bio/Pre-Med major, just honestly did not suit my fancy. I was constantly struggling, making myself believe that eventually I'd "get it." That never happened. So, after that I changed my major like five other time over the course of 3 years in pursuit of making a satisfying career. Here I am almost four year later, have moved back home, 2 time college dropout, and still lacking passion in life. This is where my sadness stems and where my soul is void.

So, I went back to a lesson that my grandmother and my aunt taught me years and years ago....when in doubt and when your soul is lost....pray. And so I dropped to my knees and I began to pray. This is a time when I felt like I needed God most, and when I have those moments, I crumble and I break and I weep, inconsolably. For I know there is no one else to call upon, and no one else who can cure my pain and soothe my frustrations. Sometimes, like this time....I cant speak and I'm so emotional, but I know that He knows...and I know He understands, and I know that he listens to me cry, and I worry not about my words...for my surrender alone is good enough. "My grace is sufficient." (smiles @ HisLoveCoversMe)

But the hardest part of this all has been that I've found something...something I've always been passionate about, but never considered it a "passion." And that's music. I love so many genres of music, and when I listen....I listen for quality, I listen for essence, I listen for the music....not the lyrics, but the music....the drums, the strings, and the piano. I hear things like that, and I hear small subtleties that most don't have the ear for. And when you think about it, honestly, it sets the foundation for the emotion in lyrics and the emotion from which the singer sings. And so I thought, why not pursue music? Like most people, I have many reservations about music. Most people don't consider it an actual career, more of a hobby. And think only those select few who stick out can "make it." There is much truth to that, and I think to myself 'what makes me so much better than the next?' I can't read music, I can't play an instrument, and although I can hold a tune, I'm not the best singer. Yet I love, thrive, and breathe music. I never before realize how much...but I am truly passionate for those harmonies and lyrics and melodies. And just like everything else in my life, I think "Why not?"

Its kind of funny because the things that I embrace, the things that I forget to acknowledge, the things I set on the back aisle...are the things I never realized I love the most. Music, art, artistic & theatrical dance....the things that are suppose to be just pleasures, leisures, or hobbies, are the same things that make me happy, that makes me smile.

But I can't avoid associating pleasures with failures; I fear if I get in too deep of reveling in my own glee, I'll loose my purpose and fail. Or just maybe this is my purpose. It's so hard to figure out, because with trying to manifest my passion, comes a lot of work. And from my history, the pattern has been if there's too much involved, I'm not happy. And when I'm not happy...I quit!

So, this is kind of what I'm battling with....a battle of the conscious & logic versus the emotions & pleasures. But I know me a little more than I give myself credit for, and I can almost guarantee that I'll choose my feelings over my thoughts, my emotions over my conscious, and my heart over my head.

I have a long road ahead, but I truly feel like I can do it. I'm going to work towards music engineering/production and composition. So, 2008 here I come. My only prayer is that God rides this journey with me, and guides my hands & fingers along the keys of my new keyboard, as I pursue this dream of mine, and this passion that burns like fire.

"The LORD is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him." -- Lamentations 3:24

Crept into thoughts
Misusing my invitation
I spotted your presence in the darkness
where imagination bleeds into reality
and the mind is fickle

Though I sang blessed mercy to cover me
still the rain poisons
seeping fervently into my pores
icing my spine to near break

Tantalized by your intentions
I tremble and I ache
Subdued not by your towering form
but imprisoned by your genuine character
and the sentiments that croon from your commanding voice

Captivated by the moments
In desperation for hours
A fool you make of me
to distress my heart
and stifle my sexual appetite

Sunday night....I'm exhausted from over-exerting myself in preparing for three major exams and a paper that are all scheduled for that following Tuesday. Worn out, draping eyes, and scattered thoughts, I tell myself I'm going to sleep...and now. But before I do, I try to spill time, hopping on the infamous BGC to do 'God knows what.' Firstly, let me just say I'm not a fan of the site. I believe that it embodies very negative aspect of the gay life that many of us are trying to fight against...the instant sex and the fake profiles are endless. I will say that I have met about 2-3 guys who are actually very decent and I now talk with them on a regular basis. Although, I'm biased to the site---mostly because of the activity that goes on there---I find myself drawn to it probably more than I should be. But mostly, I admit that I use it in the times when I'm bored, and I feel like talking or communicating with someone. With that said...I jump on BGC right before I decide to go to sleep. I'm hit up several times (more than I care to be), mostly with guys saying "you have a pretty smile" or "wats good?" (Uh, lame....!) Anywho, finally right before I'm about to hit the logout link, I decide to check my messages once more. A guy hits me up in the area, says his "wassup," only in the next message he writes "was hopin we could just sit n talk for a lil while yo and smoke a blunt together if u smoked but if not we could just sit and talk yo...a nig just need a shoulder to lean on and shit." I thought this was odd, because I really felt that this dude was going through something, and he somewhat openly expressed his feelings to me. I felt compelled, and so I started asking him if everything was cool with him. He said yeah, but he just really needed someone to talk to, "just chill and no sex yo." He went on in his message to say that I could crash at his house for the night, and go wherever I needed to go in the morn. I can't explain my reaction, but I was really stunned. This dude, who knows nothing about me, and likewise, had just invited me into his home, said that I could spend the night in his bed, and shower in his tub when I woke." Wat! I was just taken aback by his welcome.

But anyways, we talk like 6-7 minutes more and somehow, for some reason I felt an urge to go. I don't know why, because deep within me I felt that this could be a setup. I could easy get in the car and be going to meet my death...this could be a trap into somebody's sick orgy feast...I was nervous, but I wanted to go. So, when I got up to get showered and get dressed, i just kept praying to God to please let everything be okay....don't let this dude have evil or malice in his intentions, and I prayed asking why I felt so convinced that I needed to go. Still, I felt no reservation enough to keep me at home. Fast forward 45 min. I get to the guy's house, and he comes to meet me at the door. He's like 5'7, dark skinned, nicely trimmed hair, kind of thugged-out dude, but he looks somewhat under-weight. But I don't think anything of it, I mean, everyone tells me I need to gain weight all the time. I enter his room, nothing out of the ordinary. He lived with mother and two brothers who were in the house asleep. That made me a bit nervous, mostly because he had the door wide open and once we got into conversation he was talking pretty candidly at a tone that I know anyone who was in the house could easily hear. So, we get comfortable and I'm okay with the guy. We're just talking for a while, watching tv, and I was actually glad that I had come because it had been a while since I really spent time with anyone, much less my own family. (Yes, I'm pretty lonely at this point in my life). Somewhere in the conversation, I think back to the small talk we had over BGC, and I expressed to him my concern at the time and told him that I really thought something was wrong...I said to him "I felt like you were going to kill yourself or something." His words, although very short, just spoke to me in the message and I really read something so much more into what it actually said. I can sense when someone's going through, and I just knew something was up.

So, I ask him what was going on. Initially, he hesitated and then said "nothing." I'm quiet for a moment, because I know he will say more. "I just wasn't feeling good earlier." I reply with a simple 'okay,' but I look over at him. He's lying down, embracing his pillow with it covering both his chest and face. When I look over, he's peeking at me, almost like he's reading me to see what my reaction is, or if he can trust me. Funny, but I though it was cute. He comes closer to me in the bed and says "I just got this friend...you know. You ever met anybody with HIV?" 'No, not knowingly,' I say to him. 'Why, does your friend have it or something?' "Nah," he says "Well, if you haven't, then you just did." I look at him, staring actually, and he's still peeking from his pillow, like he's asking 'what next?' The innocence in his glare and the tears forming in his eyes, causes me to cry. He goes on to say more, but I'm just still lost in his prior words "well, you just have." This guy just told me he was HIV positive and I didn't know what to say, but I knew what I felt. I think what really got to me was the fact that he was young. The fact that he had HIV wasn't the issue, and I wasn't surprised that I didn't become outraged or disgusted, like many naive people do. I know somethings about it, and either way, I'm not the type of guy who will run away from you because you have a disease, or even a minor cold. That's not cool. But I was just so lost because this young dude, kid-like almost--even though he was probably not even a year young than I--had HIV. It could have been me, I thought. I remember I use to say to myself, not too long ago, that if I ever became HIV positive I wouldn't want to live. I would kill myself before I let something like that overcome me. That was the more naive me talking, then...probably less then 2 years ago, but those were my sentiments towards HIV. I felt like it was a death sentence, and I wanted no part in it.

So, I just cried with him for like 5-10 while we talked about him living with HIV, how he contracted it, how he's dealing with it, and how he's protecting himself and others now that he's aware of his status. It surprised me, because he actually seemed really dedicated and adamant about the well-being of his partners, because like we were talking about, some dudes just don't give care about who they're messing with and if they infect them or not. There are somethings sexually he would never allow anymore, some of which i would have thought was okay, but even the slightest possibility of contraction was a concern for him. I admired him for that. He was surprised by my comfort being with him, but I actually felt very good being near him. I thanked God for allowing me to hear and understand his call to me, and I trusted myself for trusting my intuition. The night went by, we talked and laughed more, and I had made a new friend. I didn't stay to shower, but he was okay with that.

_______________________________________

This is where the problem comes in.. I was happy about the formentioned situation, but it was the next night that made me unhappy. Me and the guy ended up talking and texting the following day, which was Monday and he convinced me to stay again that night. So, I did. Took some food over and I thought that was that. In his messages earlier, he had hinted that he really wanted to kiss me the night before, but that he wasn't sure how comfortable I really was, given his status. I expressed to him that I would have been fine with that, and that his status had no weight on my feeling towards him. He said well maybe we could get a chance to make up for that later. A kiss, I think is no big idea. It's just a simple form of intimacy that two people express when they feel something deeper than how you feel if you gave someone a hug. It doesn't necessarily have to lead to anything more. And I assured this dude that I was celibate, and really trying to not be sexually intimate with anyone unless I was in a relationship. Disappointed he was because he mentioned that he wanted to give me head, but he respected me for telling him and respected my position. I know, I was just as stunned about the head thing, too, but I could understand it...he's a guy, and I'm a guy...we're attracted to one another...we're both horny...let's be sexual. But no, I was waiting, and he understood. I get to his house, we talk, and watch "Black Snake Moan" (interesting movie and probably the wrong one to be watching considering the circumstances). Somewhere during the movie I get really tired---probably from working my ass off with those exams, and lack of sleep---and so I turn away from the television and try to doze off. Mind you, I'm facing him now, and he's not even 7 inches away from me. He starts touching me...yes, there!...and I don't say anything, except 'what are you doing?' Somehow---gosh I don't know how---my sex ends up out of my pants and in his mouth. Ouch, now I'm ashamed. What happened to saving myself. I wanted to say no...and I thought about all the times I've criticized other men for cheating on their significant other, because they "couldn't say no." But here I was not being able to say no. I know this is cliche, but it felt so good. (I'm sorry, Self!)

Basically, my issue is that I have a problem with saying no when I'm sexually propositioned. It's the only time that I have had sex, but I can't seem to find it in myself to scream "NO!" when someone asks me for it. I just give it to them, or its kind of taken. No hesitation, no reservation. My issue is not with dude being positive, but with myself not being able to hold my ground and respect myself and my feelings towards trying to do better. My biggest fear right now, is that the time will come when someone wants to be with me in a relationship...and I end up disrespecting and dishonoring our commitment to one another by submitting myself to someone else's advances. Honestly, I would like to think I would be better than that, but it's happened before. I remember I met this fine dude when I lived in Atlanta, and the first night we messed around. Afterwards, he said to me "let's not do this again. Let's wait." But instead, everytime I went over to his house, I'd pursue him and he'd give me what I wanted. He's a man, right? I regret doing that, because I really genuinely felt something for him and it was mutual, but I didn't know how to handle not "getting it." I can't handle being intimate, without being sexual.

K...I wasn't plannin' on blogging anytime soon, cause what I wanna blog hasn't reached a climax yet, but y'all stay tuned...but tell me why the hell I'm feelin' like a 3rd grader back in elementary school by playin' this losser game Tag, that I'm already partial to...why? Hmm...well, got damnit, I'm bitter that's why!!! Sadly, I was always the social outcast in elementary and junior high school, 'cause everybody figured I gay...well, guess what kids!...you jinxed me. Yes, I love the penis, and all its glory, baby!! Anyways, here's the rules. If I tag a person that's already been tagged, deal wit it, aight : D ............

The rules of the game are:

(1) Link to the person that tagged you and post the rules on your blog...

(2) Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself...

(3) Tag 7 random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs...

(4) Let each person know that they've been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.


Random Facts About SoFaReal:

(1) I hate people, lol. I know right...what do I mean. It's what it looks like. I have a huge disliking for people in general 'cause they do stupid shit, say stupid shit, and work my nerves like nobody's business. It's really a complex situation, and there's so many aspects in explaining it...but I'm very selective about allowing people to get to know me and vice versa. I might have to explain myself at some point in this blog, but ask me later.

(2) I'm not fond of my family. You might have been able to gather this from previous post, but they're not the best of people. We just have nothing in common, and I only pretend like I like them because I'm a nice person and I have a heart. Did I just contradict myself?

(3) My friends love me, but can never get in contact with me...I hate answering the phone, so I tend to ignore you and wait for the voicemail. No voicemail, no callback. I really think it just has to do with me not liking to talk on the phone.

(4) I was once hit in the head with a flying brick, and suffered an extensive concussion. Passed out for 10min, and my brother almost went to jail...damn, it...if only I would have died. I don't like him at all.

(5) I'm usually very conservative in public, looks are somewhat cocky and standoffish, but I'm nothing close to being any of those things. I'm actually incredibly laid back, chill, and very in tune with my emotions, my mind, and the heart. I even thought about becoming a rastarafi once. But who the hell is Haile Selassie I. Ain't nobody like Jesus, chile! (I'm not usually this gay, only on Blogger). But most people find me incredibly likable.

(6) Thank God, this is number 6 'cause I don't like talking about myself. Most times I ramble and tell people irrelevant shit they never cared to know. But believe me, I won't tell you much...I tend to be private in my thoughts, and don't tell my friends, fam, or anyone how I really feel. I'm think I'm a real bastard sometimes. I have quick tongue, if you cross me wrong.

(7) I'm really naive and I tend to make very stupid, often times regretable decisions because I'm spontaneous...I'm very unpredictable and do things cause they look or sound good. Its a flaw I'm trying to fix...y'all pray for me!

(8) Oh, I'm a rule breaker...don't try to make me conform, cause I wont comply. That's why there's a number 8. I'm very much an individual and I have a hard time being receptive to advise that I know is good for me, but doesn't sound good to me.

"Homosexuality, Lesbianism, these bodily pervesions...those walls must come down. We're setting the standard...we're setting the mark for another generation. We will not tolerate what you set as normal. We will not tolerate what you say we should just make peace with. No! No! No!"

~fr. Israel & New Breed's latest album "A Deeper Level"

So you guys know that Im like going thru this huge spiritual awakening, right. Well, yeah. Gods always lived in my spirit, ive been saved for quite some time, but im really beginning to composition myself for the fullness of Gods profoundness. Anywho, i started buying all these gospel cds, not to seem like im this changed, bible-fied Christian overnight, but because i was compelled to and i felt like thats what i wanted to hear. i not gon lie, like i said im not that changed, i still get down with my Maxwell soul sessions and Leela James grooves...music is music to me, if its good...the shit is good. But what im having an issue with is the community of Christian. All i gotta say is "they make me sick." Its like the very thing you try to stray away from in society--- negativity, ostrasization, deceit, stigmas---its the same shit you fall right back into when you try to surrender yourself to something greater than you, and greater than all the
other bullshit in this world. Like nothing ever gets right...a damned if you do, a damned if you dont type situation. Im tired of everytime i turn on one of these cds theyre talking about overcoming homosexuality, lesbianism, and all this other supposed "fire pit" bound crap. You know, its this type of behavior that make those who really love God and hold sacred to their belief system, turn away and negate that which is sometimes their only space for refuge, you know what i mean. Some of these churches are like damn cults, and really aint got nothin to do with the realness and fundamentals of what being a Christian or any belief is all about. Personally im not even all about the religious aspects involved, and ive always been about principles before governance. And even though im usually able to sustain my position with God, sometimes its hard cause all you get is a consistency of people speaking out against everything that keeps you afloat...the hate they spit, the things they do really do hurt, and at times its so frustrating and confusing because you dont know where to turn, or whom or what to believe. But i am what i am, and im not ever changing something thats proves so natural to me; im not about to "fix" myself to please nobody cause when all is said and done, im still inflicted with the same wounds and circumstances i was before. Im not this way for nothing...i wouldnt feel so passionate it, if it was not mine to own. I shook the reverend of my church's hand the other day on his meet and greet after church, and it was nothing...just a shake and keep it movin. But it was his stare, almost a glare or a scowl, that really set me back. Like he was reading me, and knew something about me that the other hundrer in the congregation didnt...i felt almost naked, exposed even. It...something was just wrong on so many levels, and it didnt sit well with me. I remembered why i had left this church in the first place. But to be read and sized in God House is just a feeling i really dont appreciate and furthermore completely uncomfortale with. I feel so unwanted. So i wonder what do other bloggers feel about church, the sub society that has been created within them, and the experiences you might have had dealing with acceptance or the lack thereof?

How does one begin to composition themselves to give honor and thanks to parents who would otherwise be deemed unworthy?

I've always known that there is and always has been a struggle in the relationship that I hold with my parents. Of course, the revelation didn't come until I was old enough to truly understand more complicated concepts and the ability to analyze them; yet nonetheless the thought has always been 'why is my family not the image of the great American family I see in the magazine;' 'why is it that I only see my father and my second family only during certain holidays;' 'why does mom work two jobs and leave us kids here at home alone;' 'why is my family not a family.'

The memories of my childhood are few and far in between. I can't say that I recall my three best friends "John, Marcus, and Billy-Joe," because they didn't exist. I don't remember having a large playroom full of toys, and the latest and greatest arcade games, because it didn't exist. Neither can I say that every Christmas I woke to loads upon loads of new things to call my own and revel in joy about, with John, Marcus, and Billy-Joe, because this simply did not exist.

Don't misunderstand, though. I'm not out to make it appear that I had the most awful and disappointing childhood. And frankly, I will be the first to admit that there are plenty upon plenties of millions of grown men and teenage young boys who are locked in cold prison cells, who had much worse experiences than I. But unlike some of them, I was so lucky...rather blessed, to not be raised in a ghetto; my parents weren't led down the hard to kill path of heavy drug usage, or even thievery. I wasn't influenced by the streets and being in a gang is not where I sought refuge. Although, being raised in a single family home with three other kids, there were the typical hard times---scarcity of food, unpaid bills, food-stamp recipient, housing assistance--but it wasn't bad enough to kill me. They say the quickest way to poverty is having children out of wedlock, and my mother had four reasons to be on that waiting list for assistance, four free lunch forms to fill out, and four child support checks to collect, and prayed to God they came through 'cause God knows some of us had some deadbeat daddies. But we made it. I'm not in jail, I'm not on drugs, heroin, speed...all the above. I'm not a Blood, I'm not a Crip. I'm not in somebody's mental asylum. Despite that though, where does the real deficiency lie? Where was I really robbed as an individual? Where wasn't I nurtured?

Not only my mother, but my father---even in his absence (which was no fault of his own)---failed to shape the man I was to inevitably become. They failed me because they never made the time to spend time with me. They never really showed me the evils and goods, the trials and the triumphs of the world. They never guided me in what was acceptable and what was not. Basically, I raised myself. They sustained me in my physical being---keeping me clothed, feed, sheltered---but I made me and the world made me who I am today. When I didn't know the answers to a question, I feed my inclination for knowledge; When I was covered and shadowed by clouds of darkness & depression, sadness and shame, I sheltered my own head. And when I felt naked without a person in the world to seek cover, I clothed my own body. Everything I know and everything I have ever known is from my own experiences, or from the mouths of other people who took the time to educate and love upon little ole' me. Somebody was caring enough, had the heart enough to say "I'm going to show this child." But for the most part I've had to learn from my own mistakes, some of which I still make today.

The education I have is because I pushed myself, I motivated myself to do better and be better than my parents were. I was motivated by what not to do, rather than what to do. I have a hard time not blaming my parents for some of the shit I go through each day of my life. Sometimes I play that "what if" game, which I hate; but how do you not, when everything you aren't is because they are not and did not. I blame them for not being involved in my life---why didn't you ask me how school was, or even if I meant someone "special" at school. I blame them for my lack in talent and for making me an inactive child---why didn't you put me in baseball, football...hell, why not ballet. Maybe I could have been a great pianist, or an all-start athlete. I blame them when I can't express myself because I lack the vocabulary, or the education that I desire because they didn't feed me knowledge at home. I blame for not informing me of the weary and wayward ways of the world. Why wasn't I educated about where I came from, my ancestors, my heritage, the persecution of my people. Why didn't you give me a good sense of pride in being a black man in a white man's world. Hell, because of that I struggled with claiming ownership to who I am and from whom I come! Why didn't you...why didn't you be a real parent, a real mom, a real dad and help make me what I could have become or should have become.

You know, this is somthing that I truly thought I could conquer in a matter of days. But out of all the things in my life right now that I am slowly, but surely gaining confidence and bravery to defeat...this is the one battle that pains me more than any. Don't get me wrong...I'm not depressed, and I'm not stressed. I'm just tryng to do better for myself and for my own life, so that I may have peace, prosperity and so that it may be well with me. But this I can't forgive. And as much as it hurts me to say it, my parents failed me and cursed me; and damnit it ain't so easy to just forgive something or someone that has always hurt you. So, really, how do I let go? I want to forgive badly, but I can't close a grave that somebody is still digging?

I wish I'd never come back here
'cause the pain I left
just rang me up, said 'Wassup'
replagued my soul

Then said to me 'Welcome Back'

I wish I'd never come back here

'cause every night when I lay my body down to sleep

I rest in a river

a river of my own blood, my own sweat

but mostly my own tears

from the horrid days and dreaded nights

when you'd beat my mind, kill my spirit

and burn every dream I had

'til all was left was but a hole

I wish I'd never come back here

to relive the murder you committed to my heart

you raped my mind

assaulted my thoughts

shoved me down back to dirt

then spat me shame

never allowing me my strength to regain

I wish I'd never come back here

because I'm a coward for not blaming you

for failing me in my youth

cursing me as a man

disillusioned by the reality that I am but what I am

and whether you love me or not

God is my Man

holding me tight in every night

whispering to me those things that you refuse

I wish I'd never come back here

but here I am

standing in this room that burns my flesh

throbbing in my brain

feeling prisoner to this place I know as home

About two weeks ago, after a very long and even excruciating period, I made my first steps back into the house of the Lord. It sounds almost simplistic now, but at the time of my departure, I had made my mind up that despite the relationship that I had built with God, I would allow certain distractions...certain ailments to deter the path and even block that path, from the very presence that gives me my survival. Yes...I called myself don' fixed and punished every man that called himself a "Man of God" and every place of worship by convincing myself that because they couldn't bless me with a message that spoke to my heart and because they couldn't render relevance to my life, that I'd be damned if I gave them another red cent. No sooner than I had set myself on that high shelf, then flung my nose in the air, so did the wheels turn and I became the prince of all damned. I learned a hard lesson for my sacrifice.

You see, our God is a selfish yet spiteful God. And I truly believe that because I am a pupil of his being, and because I knew the fundamentals of his word, and because I had taken the holy sacrament of baptism, and furthermore been saved by his blood, that He punished me deeper than those who didn't know Him. I could not reasonably put together a conclusion as to why "this" person has a beautiful home, or the other a fierce sports car that made all the heads turn, or the next, meaningful love...yet I'm left with a hand full of nothing. Usually, I'm not concerned about what other people have. I'm not an envious person and I don't have a jealous bone in my body. Yet and still, it made no sense for me to carry on the word and will of the Holy Master and still not see my blessings reign.

But more importantly, what I've learned despite the misconception, is that we all don't belong to Him. Of course, He loves us all, and has room in His kingdom for every soul. But it is our choices and our reasoning that separate us from His presense. The very man that is head of that lucretive corporation and even has money enough to trash, could have very well sold his soul to darkness because he felt forsaken by He who gave him life. I feel like there in lies the problem of those persons who loose their trust in God. Many of us feel like if we go to church and read the Bible that we'll all be okay. Our expectations of God are set high and we look to Him for miracles. We want what we want, when we want, yet don't realize that for everything there is a price, whether monetary or otherwise, for that which is worldly and everything that is not. I think we not only lack to communicate with God, but too we don't gratify Him enough; we don't thank Him for just being who He is. We form the conception that He is truly an Almighty, but really read into it as he is an All-Willing. He is all willing and ready to give you the things that you want because you feel like you deserve a treat for a good deed. This was me.

I wanted so much from God and I wanted Him to be my All-in-All; yet when I really think about what I was doing to deserve so much, I realize that at that point I had accepted a place that made me not only look small, but feel it. At the time, I thought I had it all right...going to work, paying my bills, helping in the community. But it was the things that I felt wasn't so bad that God wasn't so receptive to...loosely giving myself sexually to anybody who asked, smoking that "good," and reveling in material gods. Sheryl Crow says in her song "if it makes you happy, it can't be that bad." That was one of my best mottos, and I'd tell it to anybody who couldn't figure out if something they were doing was good or bad. But Sheryl, let me tell you something, home girl. There is so much more to it than gratifying yourself. Sure it sounds good, but if Jesus was the self-indulgent man that many of us are today, we wouldn't even be the who of what we think we are.

So, now I praise. For it is a miracle that he has even given me the means to recognize and admit my wrongs. Sure I still struggle with finding myself and shaping myself into a better individual; but in due time I will fully transition into the mold He longs me to be. I still battle everyday with the people in my life, and trying to rid the ones who are no good for me. I still cry when things aren't in reach, and my life spins with no control. But those days are gone of me asking for those things which won't fulfill me. God is my fill. And if He wants me to have, I will have...but I'm not going to push. Now when I pray, I just pray for peace. Peace of mind, peace for patience, peace in love...peace for my soul. If nothing else, I want my peace. Just extend me peace, and e'thang gon' be aight.

My purpose here tonight is to basically make a personal post. But first before I do anything else, I would just like to send out my love and my appreciation to all you Bloggers who stopped in on me, and showed me soooo much love. I have never been "Wow"ed so many times in my life...and it just touched me tremendously how all of you were affected by my post. It brings me so much joy to know that I moved you in the ways you say I did, and I'm also grateful for the inspiring feedback you left. Although I was just being SoFaReal...I thank you anyhow....

...and on to the post...

I've been feelin' this for like the past two weeks, and so while in class today...my sentiments finally hit paper.

(Untitled)

You please me in bounty

Careesing me from my soles to my soul

Filling me whole with no control

Some say I'm insane to be inflamed

By such rapture that makes me weep even when I sleep

though I'm not ashamed to take blame

for the fire that has possessed my desires

Wowed by the sound

of the voice that gets me moist

in places not limited to faces

yet replaces social norms that form

and that arise to demise

the true me that only I see

You keep me when I'm weak

Pick me up when I'm stuck beneath life's muck

And even in times of those inevitable binds

Comfort you make, though never forsake

So this is thanks

A musing of my heart, not the banks

And too a formal plea for the need of the seed

which you plant and renders a pant

and for the consuming affect that starts at the nape of the neck

runs through my pecks, though its not sex.

It's the nature of the sensations

that provides me the inspiration

to announce to those I call my kin

that this pleasure is no sin

but an expression of my inner peace.

The best things in my life are those that i tend to stray away from. No matter how small or great the reward is, I escape the opportunity for challenge everytime. It seems that I expect those gifts not to bring challenge. I prefer to have them work out for me than the other way around, and for this reason, I lack the blessings both to and for life...

It's funny. I describe it as--"the world treating me unkindly" or "struggling from this world I'm thrown." You see, basically, I figure that the key factor to me determining why I currently have so many issues, so much pain, is to look at where I've been (literally), how I've affected it, and who I've been with. It's so hard for me to see the reality that stares me dead in the eyes. But I can't look back. I can't stand the glare of disappointment and disapproval that I would receive, cause I know I've failed. I've brought misery to every positive outlook, good influence, and every desirable deed that I was given. Not worked for...but given. 'Cause it's like when I'm given it, I can't find the means to appreciate it. I can't disciple the differences of something naturally presented to me and from something I create the means to achieve.

My thing is that I am only affected by the surface. I see only what something is literally made of, and not what it is made from. Because if I really took the time to be affected by meaning and by essence, then I wouldn't have the issues that i am having. But I'm weak. I'm incompetent. I'm I'm deterred by reality. I'm so unaffected by any and everything that I dont want to see, don't want to hear, or don't want to feel because I'm fearful that I'll kill everything inside of the emptiness I've already created within myself.

I'm deeply saddened that it took something so monstrous to make me see myself from an outward view looking in. And I'm angry. Im angered at the fact that I have not only poisoned myself, but I've poisoned the relationships that I have with other people and the things that have come into my life. How can I be trusted, how can any person be moved by anything that comes from me when I'm so freaking blind and oblivious.

Let's be so honest...I'm sitting here talking in circle and in rhymes...but I can't be honest with myself. Let's do air some dirty laundry, if you will. My acceptance at the University of Kansas more than 3 years ago was an ultimate opportunity for the change that I deeply longed for. So, I left Texas. I met good people, had joyous times, and made lasting memories. Was I grateful for it? You answer..I'm not there now and haven't been since freshamn year ended 2 and a half years ago. You wanna know the real reason I left...the reason not sugar-coated to suit the approval of other people? It sure as hell wasn't financial reasons and it wasn't because Lawrecne is a small ass, boring ass little town, which I deceived not only others to believe...but hell, I was convinced this was the reason for a while too. The real reason, and the reason that made it all happen was that there were too many white people. There you have it...sounds shady as hell. But I've admitted it for the first time in 3 years that I am a closeted racist who smiles in your face, talk you up, but a real son-of-a-bitch 'cause I'm not affected by your humanistic qualities, cause in my mind I've already ruled you unworthy and insufficient because you're not dark like me.

How I came to this point sometimes is beyond me. White people have always been a friend of mine, and my disposition in race is something fairly new to me. But ever since my first year in college when I learned about the real prejudices of the world and of this country, I sometimes am to the point where if you're not black or dark then don't touch me. See, there's one of two ways that a person can learn to deal with racism, segregation, and other injustices amongst their own race--positively and use that plight of hate as a platform for good social and racial reform amonst the mainstream. Or negatively, like I ashamably have and allow things like stereotypes to affect you personally and begin to denigrate the intergrity and humility of other races. That's basically what has happened to me, as a result of finding my own ethnic identity. I'm not proud of it, but I'm also not ashamed to admitting my faults.

Example two of how I've horribly disgraced my life...Hasaan...Few words---> the...best...thing...that...has...ever...happned...to...me! Plainly said, but not so plainly played out. This dude has showered me with nothing short of infectious love. He praises me, he wooes me, he encourages me, he challenges me, he motivates me, he comforts me, he contents me. It's no question that he loves me probably more than he's loved anyone or anything. He could probably never admit his devotion but I sense it, and I know it's real. I can almost touch it. But when we were together, I didn't know how to handle it. I couldn' accept the fact that someone could adore me with such depth, and that brought so much mystery. He sacrificed so much to be with me, so much to make what we had meaninful, to make it last. Hold up...make it last?Is that even in the "Lifestyle Handbook?" Gay relationships don't sustain anything past an infactuation misguided as love and several great fucks. That's real. So, when I figured he was about real shit, I couldn't deal. I was so accustomed to "boy meets boy; boy bats his eyes at the other boy; then boy fucks boy in other boy's bed," that I devauled the importance of substance. I didn't know how to be in a relationship...all the niggas I'd been with only wanted one thing from me...sex...and so I accepted it as my reality...I had convinced myself that nothing meaningful happens when you're young. Everything was so screwed up between us. I mean, he's always always been under the impression that it was his fault that we failed as a union. But the truth is that I failed him as a lover, as a partner. Unconsciously or subconsciously, I made him what all the other niggas made me...a fuck. I made him my fuck. He became that simple ass nigga that I had so routinely summoned up in the past, during that lonely period of the month where I felt vulnerable, incomplete, and desperate for sexual intimacy. I began to say things that would turn him off from me, to the point where it became normal for us to just fuck, be fucked, and sleep. That's what I wanted from him, and that's what he offered.

And so we got bored with one another, started this consistency of arguments, name calling, and mutual disconnections. I didn't touch him, he didn't touch me. Needless to say, we parted ways, became just friends, then no friends at all, friends again, back to no friends, to friends longing for love...secretely in one another, but both of us being too ashamed to confess for fear of being shattered all over again. I lost him, but now I can't dodge my longing for him all over again. How do you let someone go who loved you so much. Would give you any and everything you desired? Selfish.

I've learned so little from the experiences brought to teach me a lesson. Instead, I favored naivety and disguise to mask me from the things that I feared the most. maturity, aversion of the things I fear won't make me happy, separation of myself from reality, only to live in this perfect illusion I've concocted in my wee little brain. All of this has made me a very selfish person, brought nothing but clouds & heavy rain. I've made a fool of me and disappointed myself. Until I can establish a conception of discipline, acknowledge truth in my own world, and position my life around it, I'll continue to see those same dreary days in this mighty bright land...I need to do some serious soul searchin'...

Hi, my name is SoFaReal. I'm 21 years old....and I'm drowning in debt!

This is the reality that I have come to realize is my life, despite the self-encouragement and dutiful prayer.

Within the past 2 days I have been more shocked by my financial debt more than I have at any other time in my life....and I cannot begin to tell you how hopeless my life seems right now. I never knew that something so petty as money, could become such a powerful tool on the detriment of someone's life. I am so frustrated and so angered and so incredibly pained by this reality that I can do nothing...nothing at all, except cry out and give in. I want to so bad, God knows I just wanna died right now, and leave this forsaken world that has treated me so unkind.

I want to be here, God knows I do! I want to finish school, I want to pay my debts, I want to help people...I want to live. But it's everytime, everytime, Lord Jesus, that I get things right or things begin to look up for me, there's always something greater, something more frightening than before, that comes and knocks me back into my horrible truth.

Roughly, I think I'm about $45, 000 in debt. Most if not all of it is student debt, which I'm still defending is not my fault. Mind you, though, I'm still an undergrad with 2 and a half years left to finish. But I came to the conclusion today, that it just might be in my best interest if I don't go back to school for a while, at least not full-time, and at least not until I have some of this debt worked out. The one thing that scares me about a decision as such, is that I'll fail to finish what I promised to myself I would---and that's my college degree. Not only am I riding my own ass to finish, but both sides of my family are watching me...almost literally, depending on me to be a success. I've never let that dependence affect my progress or allow it to stress me; but the funny thing about it, is that while they're rooting me on...not a single one of them knows how troublesome it has been for me to even see the ceilings of a University. Not many know that I've been out of school for nearly two years, got back in school just this semester only to find out that its about to be all over, in the scratch of a pen.

From the outside looking in, I look SO perfect! I look intelligent, composed, focused, determined, virtuous, compelling, noble, just, strong, power, and blessed without stress. Somehow or another I've always maintained that position, and no one has ever questioned otherwise. I find that so hard to believe too...why do I portray such the perfect imagine, yet don't produce or reap the benefits of my self-image. No one knows my struggle unless I tell them, and for the most part, I never tell my life. Even with my best friends, I avoid talking about myself and my own life, and when I do it's very general and I come off like I got my shit together and aint nothing wrong. But on the inside, I'm a shame. A crying shame, and nothing close to what they people expect me to be. And that makes me so sad.

I've always had the outlook of an optimist. Never been shaken by negative, shadowing thoughts of disappointment. My mentality has always been 'thinking positive things, and positive things shall flow.' But is my concept of what is real and what is non-existent really hindering my prosperity, my life. Out of mind, out of sight...is how I look at a lot of thing--things I can't control, things that hurt, things that are opposite of what I aim to get.

I'm really finding it harder and harder to get by. I swear to you, before today, everything seemed great. All the pain and strife that I had really looked like a thing of the past. I was feeling mighty bad before I began this post. But writing it, helped raise many things I need to think about. I can't go around feeling moody, feeling broke down from life. "This too shall past," keeps me going in a lot of the things I go through. And I know I'm only 21, but 21 year olds have their problems too. No one is invincible from reality and the affects of life. You know, this is my reality. And whether I choose to avoid it or not, is all up to me. But knowing me...Imma make it work for me. Everybody can't have the same life, the same pain, or the same triumphs. What dont kill me makes me stronger, and Lord knows I'm still here. Just cause I'm dealing with my pain, don't make it go away. My head is just as heavy as it was before I start writing...but I tell you what...I feel good. I may not look good (but I aint even gon' try myself like that, lol), but deep inside of me, I know that this ain't nothing but one more river to cross. Hell, I been through oceans and streams, to hell and through high water(I'm so on these analogies tonight), and I'm still here. I'm gon' make it.

I got a new job, and I'm gon' be alright. I mean, hey, really...what's $45, 000, lol? What's another year off from school when I've already been off for 2....the opportunity hasn't changed. As long as it's in God's will...as long as He said I can have it, it shall and it will come to past. Hallelujah!

"No Strength, No Joy"---Voices of Citadel

Tragedy strikes....

I found out last night after a tedious day of work, that my grandmother had passed. Initially I was shocked...devastated...in denial. Ifigured that I was invincible when it came to death knocking on my door. In all my 21 years of living, I've never really experienced death so close to home. Hard to believe, seeing as though folks are leaving this place as quickly as they come.

The news came 3 days overdue. I have been without cell for about week (the damn thing finally gave up on me and stopped operating, after I dropped it on the hard contrete for the ump-teenth time). I was in the car with my mother, she'd been having a casual convo with whom I thought was my aunt in Florida, but turned out to be my favorite cousin in Louisiana, when she handed the phone over to me "here, your cousin wants to speak to you." I sais hello, and the first she says is "you know your grandmother died?" No! I didn't believe her because, although she my favorite cousin, she has a thing for lying to seek attention--an ongoing personality damper she's had since I could remember.

It was sad news to hear, believe me, and I wish it weren't true. But what pains me most is not the fact that she's gone. I'm at peace with her exit, for she had suffered long and hard with Ovarian cancer that had finally spread, and was told there was nothing more to be done. I was told she fought to end like real trooper and warrior I knew her to be all her life. But what hurts me more than anything is that I feel like I didn't know her as well as I should have. My relationship with my father's side of the family has always been nothing short of being short. I was always the one they always inquired about....'where is your son, T,' they's ask my father. He'd say I was in this state or this state, cause of my mother's constant travels, and the travels of my own I inheritted from my mother once on my own. I'd told myself that once I was old enough, I would try to get to know the Lewis' a little better. I always somewhat blamed my mother for always keeping me so distanced from them....but once I was old enough, it became my responsibility....one that I never fulfilled.

Now, my grandmother is gone. Weeks before her death, I'd had a dream that she's died...not knowing then that she had been battling Ovarian Cancer, I called my dad and told him. He told me about the situation and encouraged me to call her. But I "never got around to it." Really I have no excuse for not calling....I had her number...even though I live in Texas now, my mother has always kept a directory for NE Louisiana in the house, and I knew where to find it. And I feel incredibly guilty and selfish because me not calling her is something I have a habit of doing with a lot of people in my life. I have a tendency to sever perfectly great relationship with people that have come into my life. I cut people, dont call, no email, no nothing. Why? I dont know. People who I know love me, and would love to be in my life....I'm selfish for thinking of other people and ruining the ties between myself and people God has put into my life for a reason, no a season. I have a hard time differentiating the two, and it makes me hate myself so much when I don't realize how important relationships with people really are. That's why I'm so incredibly lonely in my life, that's why I don't have a life---cause I push people out.

My whole life, I've been somewhat a loner. Not by nature, but by choice. I dont know if its because I'm afraid of being hurt by someone, or what. But I think I have come too comfortable in that lonliness, that its beginning to hurt me and will continue to hurt me evenmore in the longer span of things---I need to realize that I need people. I always, always say: "I dont need nobody but Jesus and my mama." And I know damn when that's not a good motto. But I say it, and I believe it, and its selfish, and it hurts.

Now because I was selfish, I'm only left with memories of the many time I did see my grandmother. I think the last time was when I had come back from Atlanta my first year at Oglethorpe, maybe almost 2 years ago. She was happy to see me, and i her. Such power and humorous woman. I wish I could have known her. I know she didn't put up with no mess, and was one of those no-holds-barred women. The mouth of a sailor, boy, she was a riot, lol. I miss her. I really do. The one thing great that could from this, is that I will get to be with my family. The family I've never really known, and it will give me the opportunity to make amends when needed, and secure long-lasting relationships to those that are dear.

I need to wake up, though. Times a'changin' and I'm gon' need somebody one day. I use to hate when my mother told me that-- 'you gon' need somebody one day.' I didn't wanna believe her, and even though I hate to admit when she's right....I'm sure she is.

May God rest her soul untrouble. We love you "Jo."

You spend several weeks getting to know someone that will be no more real to your life than santa is to the innocent, imaginable souls and then in the flip of the script, literally, they vanish. Dead. Gone, only remnant to that person who truly believed in the majesty. Maybe i am punk for this, but i call it heart....to weep, to fathom the ache of a prominent spirit. Someone who aspired, who accomplished so much, who willed their whole existence to be something positive, something meaningful.

And to see it taken hurts me. Im talking about real....these people feel so real to me & i wish i knew them. People like Dorian from I. Wrote. This. Song, the house. Mother from Three. Sides. To. Every. Story, and most recently Ty from Manhood: The. Longest. Moan. Its like i live through these character & their "fam" cause i have yet to experiece such life. I become proud of them. I feel them. And it just pains me to see them go. Whats the goal in killing off a character in a work of fiction so well produced. Like why must the climax or the pivotal point in the storyline be made from death? Thats the ultimate end, you know? But i suppose it wouldnt be so great if the climax wasnt so pivotal. Ijuswannaknow...why they gotta die? Dayne, this is one for you?

Wassup blog world. Sittin at work and just wanted to holla. Peace and One Love. <3

I really don't ask for much...I'm not expecting the moon, the stars, the sunshine, nor the rain. I don't need you to be wealthy, glamourous, or a genuis. All I ask is for the real you....a you despite what you are, what you've done, and where you've been. I need an individual none-compromising about the things they hold a deep belief and keeping for; a person of courage and honor, humiltiy and grace, spirit and humor, of willful heart and tender soul.

But looking through the experiences I've had, it looks that the less I ask, the more I get. Why is it so commonplace, that whenever you meet a new relationship prospect, he always comes with too much baggage. I'm imperfect, and if I had a choice, I'd want an imperfect man. We all have certain issues and strifes that sometimes impede the true nature of who we aspire to be. It's evitable to have those struggles in life that you cannot conquer, despite a persistent battle. Often times we need guidance, some reassurance that time is a' changin' and the sun does shine on the other side.

He was so perfect in the beginning. In fact, I had such a hopeful heart for the "us" factor, and I truly looked forward to knowing the real man, behind the illuminated character portrayed outwardly. It was a wonderful journey, both for me and for him. I'd never met anyone like him. He brightened everything within me and about me. Extracted so many emotions within, and just helped me to appreciate more the pleasures in life, simply. Often times, I come home from work, listening to the "Quiet Storm" on the radio, and it's like every song, lyrically, spoke to me. Some made me smile, others a bit misty-eyed, and a few I even weeped to, allowing my mind to be consumed with thoughts of "Mr. Man." It happened so fast, how'd I'd get so sprung on him so quickly, yet so infectiously. The things that changed about me after I met him, were and are positive changes, things that help you seize Life as it was meant to be seized.

Suddenly, things took a U-Turn South. Things were steady at first. Then, they sped up slowly, he started calling me baby out of the blue, then I remember one day he was telling me how much he had missed me in the previous days. I felt the same, then "You love me...?," he asked. This was at week 3. I brushed it off, and figured he was just so wrapped up in the moment, and it was like the next most romantic thing to say. I set him straight on how I really felt and made sure he knew exactly where I stood on "Love." It wasn't anything I played with loosely, and if was to happen, it would in due time. It was actually nice getting to know the guy completely for a change. I really enjoyed myself. Then, I think within his mind, he began to take things up several levels without consulting me first. I suppose I was naive to allow things to take off the way they did---I've paid for every date that we've ever had. It was really no big idea at first. He'd just lost his second job, meaning less income and more month at the end of the money than money at the end of the money. I understood, cause I'd been in a silimar bind before. So, it was forgiving. Then, his car had some unforseen misfortunes and he asked me for help to get it fixed. I had empathy for his situation, so I complied and gave him $100 towards his repairs.

Now two weeks later, he decides to put his other car in the shop--which mind you, is a show car----without having the proper funds to get it fixed. He just sends his car to the repair center, no really having any set plans as to how he was going to get it out. I found out yesterday that his plans actually involved me. Granted he had come to me previously about the potential of helping him fix his second car, but I'd also firmly informed him that I had other priorities, and that I could not help him. Granted I've only known this cat for like a month and a half, which is all the reason why I find the entire situation to be uncanny. Basically, he puts his car in shop, not having the means to cover the repairs, but expecting me to help him cover. If, I did that, who's going to cover me. He's so convinced, because he's seen my house once, that I'm some rich kid, who has all this money to spare. (1)No one pays my bills for me but me. (2)I live in my mother's house which she worked damn hard for (3)don't judge a person for their outward or materialistic appearances. But what is really is pissing me off about the entire situation with him, is that he's so unrelentling. I tell him 'no.' And basically he floors me until he gets a yes. Coercing me with "baby" this and "boo" that. Yeah, I'll admit that shit is real nice to hear every once in while, but don't be cruel and use it against me. I really don't want to believe he's trying to use me, cause I really feel like he cares---and this not trying to be that typical 'I'm so head over head, I'd do anything" type sprung lover. I like him, fa real. But what I think has happened, is that he's convinced himself that we're more than we really are to one another. To him, I'm more like his future husband, who he's been with for a while, and he's treating me as such. He wants me to capture his world and take care of him and look out for him, but truth is, I'm not ready for what he's wants. I always thought that I would be the one moving too fast in a relationship, but he's really doing too much for me right now.

I want to stay with him, and get to know him, and make whatever it is between us work. I just need for him to take 10 steps back. I like him, a lot. And he knows this, and I know he feels the same, even before money was introduced. But I think he's so consumed with the notion of me being his 'guiding light,' that he forgets that I still really don't know him, I'm only human, and that all I have is 'me' to look out for 'me'. If I did have his back, then who's going to have mine? Is he going to stand for me, when I have nothing? I'm tired of being nice, It's like you do one good deed in your life, and people just continue to look for more. It's so hard to do great things in people's lives, when there is no appreciation. You show appreciation not by thanks or acknowledgement, but by convincing the deed-er that what you did for them is not being taken in-vain. I'm thru being people's push-thru, punch bag. I just want it to be over.

"Believe"--Raheem Devaughn

Mr. Man wants to get his second car fixed. Hes a car enthusiast, and he wants me to pitch in and help. I feel like if we were together for a lil while longer then i might not hesistate. Mind u i just gave him 100 to fix his lart one and weve onlx known each other not even a month. Is he using me or does he see as like his future husband, and just expects me to. I dont want to feel used. But i like him a lot. Wat do i do?

This is an official test trial of blogger mobile. Hope it works! Hi to myself, by the way. I love me!

Right now, my life's pretty damn uneventful, to say the least. I've recently moved from ATL back home with Mother in the state, where everyone across the nation is convinced that everything is "Bigger." Ain't shit here big, but the bigotted minds of the unreformed people that populate this Godforsaken place. I'm tyring to make due. But shit here is really beginning to irk the fuck outta me. I'm a pleasant guy, truly. But there are things in life, that I must refrain from to keep that way. And right now, what's pissin' me off more and more each day, is a this job I have to show my face at 7am every waking morning.

I thought waiting tables was stressful. But nothing I've done so far has literally made me come home and weep....literally, I leave this place and I'm rolling in tears and all the niggas lookin' at me 'like wat the fuck is wrong with this fruit.' Granted I am an emotional wreck, but not in public. I feel like the lowest of all low when I walk into that building and compromise everything that I've worked so hard to acheive for myself mentally and emotionally. My intergrity, my intelligence, my confidence, everything about me, I must toss aside to please others people. And I'm tired. This is really one of the most wreckless things I've done in my life.

My employement outlook: Sprint Wirelss Customer Care Rep. You laugh, I know you do...but really, you don't know my troubles. When I started, I fugured, this looks to be breeze. I sit here on my ass and talk on the phone. I was wrong in the first to judge. I knew the job consisted of two things that I don't particularly have a liking to: sitting on my ass and talking on the phone. "Normal" people would look at me and be like "wat the freak is wrong with you." You get paid to do basically nothing...you're barely expending energy. Well, I don't like being worthless. But I digress.

For 10 hours/5 days a week I must sit and sit and sit and listen to disguntled customers literally bitch and bitch and bitch, and oh, did I forget to mention BITCH about everything they hate about Sprint and the "incompetent [...]you people" they hire to service their supposed "loyal"...oh, i'm sorry "valued" customers. You couldn't imagine how this wears and tears at my soul. Maybe I'm some new generation "KO," but I can't do stress, I can't take worries, I can't deal with "issues" all the fucking time. I really thought I liked people...but more and more each day, I literally am disgusted at the fact that I am one too. I don't really expect anyone to understand exactly what I'm feeling about this job, but it really hurts me. I'm a really good-hearted kind, intellect who thrives on goodness....goodness of love, goodness of life, and goodness of the people. And right now, the people are making my life a living nightmare.

I worked yesterday (Friday), and got to a point where I knew if I took one more call, I would bitch the hell out of whomever gave me face...or in this case "verbal." I knew for a fact I either would have broke down on the phone, or been extremely evil to the next "valued customer." So, I simply got up from my little cubical, like I was exiting for lunch, hit that loggout button, and dismissed myself. I took my hour-long lunch, and decided to say fuck my last 4 hours of production time. So, I call management over the break, and told her I had an accident and wouldn't be returning. Can you believe this witchy bitch had the nerve to ask me "Are you hurt..." ..."No, I'm not. But I have to stay here and handle this," I replied. "Can you really not come back to work"..................HOLD ON A HOT FUCKIN" MINUTE!!!!! BITCH I JUST TOLD YOU I HAD AN ACCIDENT ON MY FUCKIN WATCH, NOT YOURS. I KNOW GODDAMN WELL YOU JUST DIDN'T QUESTION WHETHER I WAS COMING BACK IN THAT SORRY ASS PLACE YOU CALL WORK AND FINISH YOUR PRODUCTION HOURS. YOU GOT 200 OTHER PEOPLE IN THAT BUILDING, ON TOP OF THE HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF REPs ACROSS THIS MUTHAFUCKIN WORLD, AND YOU GOT THE NERVE, BITCH ,YOU REALLY GOT THE NERVE TO ASK ME "CAN YOU REALLY NOT COME BACK." Needless to say that got me hotter than fish grease!! I almost went off and told her where she can take her measly $8.24 an hour, but I'm really not like that. I actually think before I speak....

I trying to finish this last week out, and then I'm gone. I really can't do it. I forbid to ever do Customer Service again. I will not deal with another stranger's issues. I can't, I can't, I can't. It's not for me...catering to the needs of other people who insist on being rude, disrespectful, controlling, manipulative, and demanding is not cut out for a dude like me. I have too much pride for Bullshit.

I just need to get back in school now...2months more. I hate the workforce. I just pray to God that I don't end up with a degree and career to follow that I can't make work. I'm just the type of person that when I'm not happy, it shows. I've always wanted to control it, but it doesn't work. I hate for things to make me unhappy, make me sad, and make me cry. I really do. And the only thing in this world that's keeping me smiling right now is "Mr. Man." He really makes me a happy man. He makes me smile, makes me laugh, makes me enjoy my life, like no one before him has. And, boy, do I love that. It's not even anything sexual either, he just keeps me content being near him....because he's a happy man, always smiling, always enjoying his time, his life, his world.

And so, I thank God for his presence in my life. Even if what we are in this moment does not last, I'm just thankful. Thankful because I do have something to find pleasure in, to find joy in. He truly brings me joy. And that's why I can say dispite a stressful, worrisome job, I still have MY JOY.

"Missin' You"--Mary J.

I don't know, y'all . 'Mr. Man' could be somethin' special. Like fa real, now, we are really trippin' on each other. I went on my first date ever last week, and it was real special. He's such a cutie, beautiful smile, beautiful face, niggas just beautiful. At first I wasn't really trippin on him because he wasn't callin' me. And when a nigga don't call, I feel like that's a sure sign that he don't want yo ass. So, I was like, that's cool. I had figured that maybe he was again, just a dude wantin' to get in my pants (which I gotta stop lettin' happen to me. I've already blogged about this, but like I said I already know better). Anyways, we had a real chill time at this restaurant and I really got to see a part of him, that I had no idea existed. He reminded me so much of myself, man. Like all smiles, happy, free dude. And he's really sweet to people. He kept telling me how intelligent I was, how he knew I could aspire for greatness in my life. People tell me shit like this all the time, but it's nice comin' from him because it felt real sincere. So, of course, I was cheesin' all over, which he adored. He read my palm, telling me he sees love from this really handsome dude, with a great smile...yadda yadda...I was like how you know...but it was cute. O my Gosh, he held my hand in front of all these hickish-lookin' people. I was soo nervous. I'm like nigga...we're in Texas, c'mon. But he didn't even care, which made me real happy.

I'm not tryna jinx anything, but I like him. I really missed him this last week, and I found out he missed me too. So, we chillin' again this weekend. Real excited. I'll be back with the details...

So Fa Real

At what point in your life, do you determine and learn to determine what is and what is not proper. I have so many varying and conflicting dimensions of my personality that just consistenly oppose one another, and I'm at a place right now where I can no longer figure out what's better for me. Mostly, I'm speaking in regards to my relations with other people. For me, relationships aren't an important aspect of my life right now. Honestly, I have not the desire, not the patience, nor the time it takes to make something so consuming work. To date, I've been in one relationship, with on guy, and honestly I will say that it wasn't the best. So, in some sense I am biased when in comes to being tied down. I'm not looking to be committed to anything or anyone that's going to try and stop me from achieving whatever it is that I need and want for my life. Too many times, I've seen in my friends relations, that you get locked. You become so wrapped up and consumed with pleasing the other person, and trying to "complete" them that you loose yourself in the mix. And that's not cool with me. I've always held that I'm an individual first, and everything else last. I'm tryna live my life for me, 'cause I'm all I got. If the relationship goes sour, who's going to look after me then. So, depending on others to fulfill me and complete me, is completely out of the question. I think because I've spent so much time by myself, I've learned a lot, and I've figured out just from watching other people, what it is that I do and don't want from other people. That's why, despite whatever the terms or grounds that a relationship is set, I keep a security barrier on. No matter whom it is....I keep myself protected. I'm not coming out looking like a fool because I allowed someone else to control and manipulate me, then leave me to sulk in my OWN despair, that I brought on my 'OWNSELF.' It's ridiculous to me. But I digress....

The real issue that I'm having is trying to choose between what I know and I feel within is right when it comes to intimacy, sex, and relationships, and a combination of what I want/I need/and what I strong-heartedly desire. As, I stated before. I'm not looking to be in a relationship right now. I'm 21 year old. I have an entire life left to devote to that when the moment so presents itself. I don't see any hurry, and furthermore I haven't seen the potential. Not everybody are you meant to be with, right? But that's just my problem. Okay, being gay, many a times an opportunity presents itself where a guy is interested in you. It happens to me all the time. And I'm okay with that. But it seems that because it happens so often, I feel a little more promiscuous every time. I've only been with like 6 or 7 people. To some that's not a lot. And when I really think about it, it really isn't. But 6 out of those 6 or 7 times, the relationship has been strickly.....dickly, I suppose you can say. It wasn't a relationship, and I was obviously okay with that, otherwise I wouldn't have gone through with it all. That's fine. And the one time that it was something more, I dreaded nearly everyday of it. Hence, the reason why I'm Semi-Anti Relationships. The reason I don't feel so bad about being with 6 guys in like a year and a half, is because (1) I wasn't looking for anything (2) With each guy I had more than a few occasions (no one-night-stands). But the thing now, that I can't seem to fathom, is 'do I come off as being easy?' Why out of the 6 or 7, 6 were completely sexual and/or intimate. I mean, with a few of them, there was the potential for something more, but I wasn't really interested in pursuing anything. I mean, do I have the face or the persona that says 'I make an incredible fuck?' I mean, I'm not disputing that I don't, I'm just saying, is that what guys perceive of me. Do I come off as more objective to other guys. I don't wear provocative clothing of any sort; as a matter of fact, I would say that I look more like the "relationship guy." The guy who never fucks around, is always faithful, and loves his man. That's how I would describe my outter appearance. Maybe I'm reading a bit too deeply, but every guy I've been with seems like completely obsessed with my sexiness. Not to come as conceited, but these are their words.

So now, I've met a dude. A dude that I so far, can see potential in. He's incredibly sexy, has an very chill, laid back personality, much like me, and that's what I like about him. The other major thing that I love about him is that he's mature. I mean, a lot more mature. I was surprised when he told me, cause I just couldn't see it. But he's 30, and I'm 21. But I swear to you, he looks 24. He takes very good care of his body, and the thing about it is, that he pursured me. Like I didn't even notice this dude at first. Then he just picked up a random convo. about my glasses, which was really odd, so I brushed it off. But he was persistent. Which I admired. I've only know him for not even a week. But I see potential. I wanna know where this can lead, not saying a relationship, per se. I just wanna know where it leads. I know that takes time, but the issue is that I think I might have fucked that chance up. The day after I met him, we got intimate....in a car. My first....it was very unusual for me. I'm afraid that that incident, might have screw the chance of him looking at me, and vice versa, differently. Is it because we got intimate (nothing serious) the day after we met, that the grounds and terms for what to expect, is already set? Or could it be that, we were just two sexually and intimately frustrated dudes, that were extremely attracted to one another, that got down because we were weak. I just don't want him to think that I'm easy or that we can't see where things lead. That's what I wanna know--where it all leads. I could probably deal with us being 'strictly dickly,' but it's not really what I want from him right now. I feel connection with him, and it could just be the fact that he's older, that I expect him to be more mature and not want something just strictly intimate. So, my question is how do I let him know that I want to get to know him, without coming off as being desperate or going to fast in too little time?? It seems that I'm looking for substance, you know. It doesn't even have to be relationship status, I just don't want anymore SEX ONLY status. I suppose I've matured some. Cause a year ago, I didn't mind just sex. But now, it's something new. I want sex, but I want there to be something behind it. I just don't want things to move too fast and I don't wanna fuck up "potential." So, how do I do it?? I'm tryna let this dude know I like him. Just not only for sex....


"Part-Time Lover"---H-Town

SoFaReal

Letting people go is sometimes one of the greatest thing you can do for yourself, especially when that person ain't doing you no good but bringing more drama and destruction into your home and your temple. Today was the ending of something great, and the beginning of something great. I finally let the person I called my best friend--my only true friend--go. Why? It's simple. The one bad thing that he ever did to me and for me, overrided all the other goods he ever did. Usually people would say you allow the good to conquer the evil. But I finally rose to a point in my life and my relationship with him, that I couldn't do no more but throw my hands and annouce a forfeit. All he ever did was reek havoc and chaos into my life. Constant drama. And all I can say is that it made me "wanna holler." Everything and anything was something major to him that he had to read something into. He could never things to just be. To him everything had a reason. Granted, I can understand that to some degree. But when everything that stinks seems to revolve around you, you lead people to draw away...and further stay away. He will miss me when I'm gone....