Tragedy strikes....

I found out last night after a tedious day of work, that my grandmother had passed. Initially I was shocked...devastated...in denial. Ifigured that I was invincible when it came to death knocking on my door. In all my 21 years of living, I've never really experienced death so close to home. Hard to believe, seeing as though folks are leaving this place as quickly as they come.

The news came 3 days overdue. I have been without cell for about week (the damn thing finally gave up on me and stopped operating, after I dropped it on the hard contrete for the ump-teenth time). I was in the car with my mother, she'd been having a casual convo with whom I thought was my aunt in Florida, but turned out to be my favorite cousin in Louisiana, when she handed the phone over to me "here, your cousin wants to speak to you." I sais hello, and the first she says is "you know your grandmother died?" No! I didn't believe her because, although she my favorite cousin, she has a thing for lying to seek attention--an ongoing personality damper she's had since I could remember.

It was sad news to hear, believe me, and I wish it weren't true. But what pains me most is not the fact that she's gone. I'm at peace with her exit, for she had suffered long and hard with Ovarian cancer that had finally spread, and was told there was nothing more to be done. I was told she fought to end like real trooper and warrior I knew her to be all her life. But what hurts me more than anything is that I feel like I didn't know her as well as I should have. My relationship with my father's side of the family has always been nothing short of being short. I was always the one they always inquired about....'where is your son, T,' they's ask my father. He'd say I was in this state or this state, cause of my mother's constant travels, and the travels of my own I inheritted from my mother once on my own. I'd told myself that once I was old enough, I would try to get to know the Lewis' a little better. I always somewhat blamed my mother for always keeping me so distanced from them....but once I was old enough, it became my responsibility....one that I never fulfilled.

Now, my grandmother is gone. Weeks before her death, I'd had a dream that she's died...not knowing then that she had been battling Ovarian Cancer, I called my dad and told him. He told me about the situation and encouraged me to call her. But I "never got around to it." Really I have no excuse for not calling....I had her number...even though I live in Texas now, my mother has always kept a directory for NE Louisiana in the house, and I knew where to find it. And I feel incredibly guilty and selfish because me not calling her is something I have a habit of doing with a lot of people in my life. I have a tendency to sever perfectly great relationship with people that have come into my life. I cut people, dont call, no email, no nothing. Why? I dont know. People who I know love me, and would love to be in my life....I'm selfish for thinking of other people and ruining the ties between myself and people God has put into my life for a reason, no a season. I have a hard time differentiating the two, and it makes me hate myself so much when I don't realize how important relationships with people really are. That's why I'm so incredibly lonely in my life, that's why I don't have a life---cause I push people out.

My whole life, I've been somewhat a loner. Not by nature, but by choice. I dont know if its because I'm afraid of being hurt by someone, or what. But I think I have come too comfortable in that lonliness, that its beginning to hurt me and will continue to hurt me evenmore in the longer span of things---I need to realize that I need people. I always, always say: "I dont need nobody but Jesus and my mama." And I know damn when that's not a good motto. But I say it, and I believe it, and its selfish, and it hurts.

Now because I was selfish, I'm only left with memories of the many time I did see my grandmother. I think the last time was when I had come back from Atlanta my first year at Oglethorpe, maybe almost 2 years ago. She was happy to see me, and i her. Such power and humorous woman. I wish I could have known her. I know she didn't put up with no mess, and was one of those no-holds-barred women. The mouth of a sailor, boy, she was a riot, lol. I miss her. I really do. The one thing great that could from this, is that I will get to be with my family. The family I've never really known, and it will give me the opportunity to make amends when needed, and secure long-lasting relationships to those that are dear.

I need to wake up, though. Times a'changin' and I'm gon' need somebody one day. I use to hate when my mother told me that-- 'you gon' need somebody one day.' I didn't wanna believe her, and even though I hate to admit when she's right....I'm sure she is.

May God rest her soul untrouble. We love you "Jo."