Rambles thru the Shambles of This "Life"

I wish that I could cry...cry to someone about some things in my life that challenges me everyday and frightens me throughout the night.....The people who claim strong bonds and nurtured friendships are the same persons I know I don't need in my life...whether friends or family everyone pretends---and are so intentful in doing so---on making it their purpose to "act" like they are truly meaningful to my existence. Im so fed up with the lies and façades that people build to make themselves look good. Im tired of people...my trust in others is so far gone. Why can't people be real anymore...the truth may hurt...but damn it, SAY IT. Im really ready to throw the towel in on everyone I know. Although, im mostly insistent about keeping my life personal, the few times that I actually wish I could lean on someone, no one I know can be there and not judge or criticize....gloat or revel in their own good fortunes. Its all bogus bullshit. This week, I've even gone as far as to cutting off my outlets to the outside world. I've shut down my phone, because im tired of talking about nothing to people I mean nothing to. Im tired of listening to "friends" pretend they give a crap. Im just incredibly annoyed with deception of this world...being alone this past year has made me realize so much. All this not having, not getting, forever longing, constant worry of why, where, and how, has put such a strain on me, that I've began to realize why shit has gone soooo sour in my life. I'm trying now to take the time to accept what I have momentarily, realize that the reason my life is not going is because maybe im just not prepared. I've done sooooo much shit to try resolving the crap that reeks in my life, to make matters better for me, to make a not so happy childhood & a deprived adolescent-hood look better in adulthood, that I have not searched internally for answers to making my life work. Im always planning, forever challenging what I can do...only to see it fail me one point or another. Its hard and frankly depressing to see this shit happen, I can't lie. But there has to be reason, right? Ok.......I quit. Its 2am, im rambling, my thoughts are incoherent...my family is stressing me because they think they understand my "situation" only because they are NOT going thru the same shit. Ahhhhhh! Leave me. Fuck off PEOPLE! You don't me.
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*Please excuse the negative tone of my blog. Shit is not right as of late...I would write in personal log journey, but I explicate better when typing. Forgive me.

Stop Picking On Me

When LITERALLY everyone you know, everything you've ever worked against, when every obstacle you have ever been introduced to triumphs even after your greatest, most courageous fight of life...when all these things have failed you...when you've been shut out and never seen success in your favor...what does that mean?

Consciously, im outstandingly motivated, driven to outdo what has never been done in my life...overcoming the strifes I endured, am enduring, and will endure.

I can't make sense of my consistent failure in life. Physically, I have done nothing to hinder a potential win in my complete exist. It makes no sense whatsoever. How could someone so hopeful and so passionate, get stamped on and run over time and time again. I don't know what I have done or haven't done to deserve what I can't seem to get. The shit is fucked up...but im not giving up, because it would be the hardest to do...but Imma say it like this:

"Ah nigga is fuckin' tired of the bullshit."

Captured At Heart

One of my worse feelings about meeting new people is getting attached. Usually, the fear resides in another individual getting attached to you, and not you actually getting attached. To be honest, I actually fear both (and frankly have a tendency to call those who "get attached," stalkers...when really they're just nothing more than persons trying to get to know me better).

But for some reason or another---whether its the fact that I've always chosen a less-social, "loner" path to adulthood or the fact that I'm just not fond of being around people, considerably---I find myself, psychologically fixed on certain people sometimes. It's very rare, because I'm mostly selective about who is in and out of my life, but when it does happen, I know its for some great reason. You would think that relationships that put you through emotionally would be good or desiring. But for me its torture.

I've try so hard to keep myself emotionally and mentally disbarred from people, so as to keep myself from being hurt like I've seen so many countless times before. I do it in family, in friendships, even so romantically. I prevent myself from allowing my heart to get involved. Maybe my trouble is not in NOT liking people, but fear of what people are capable of.

I have mixed emotions..I'm confused about how I should or shouldn't accept people into my life. I would like to have depth in my connection with people...I want to be pulled and tugged, sometimes drained, even imprisoned by my connect with people, but im emotionally incapable. I have troubled myself so much, that I won't allow kinship & heart to enter my relations with others.

But im not ruthless and I'm not insensitive. I care. I'm just not IN it...does that make sense. Im not in it to where it would mean a break in who I am, in my feelings toward that individual...knowing them won't change me, won't pain me in a great deal...it will not put a toll on me.

Although it's beneficial in some situations, it's sad in others. I yearn for substance in relationships, but somewhere along my path in life...the cord between me and "them" was severed.

Every now and again, though, I meet someone. And despite my unconscious efforts to push them out of my life, they're consistent in the beginning, which triggers my emotions and refires my yearning to actually WANT to know them. Its great. They make me feel good, I make them feel good. But the failure comes when I get attached mentally...I want them either romantically or intimately, or both and I can't have them. I hate being that. I feel in control of my actions...but in my head I want our intimacy to last! I want it all the time, in time, and on time. And I believe this is why I stray away from building relationships with people. I consume myself with the peace and grace I get when I meet people who actually DO it for me. The people who somehow knows how to reach & unlock a heart; a heart that is not only locked in & shut down, but locked out emotionally from even feeling.

I guess my trouble is in wanting something I KNOW I can't handle, and I fear it so, that I imprison myself & my happiness from having it. It's like a drug. I feel it best to keep away, because not only do I know it will hurt me inevitably, but it drains me. Id rather be unhappy & unattached, than connected & emotionally without control.

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{SoFaReal}

Staggered. Where is My Beginning?

Imagine standing in a standstill poise, in the middle of the fastest, most resourceful, and diverse cities in the world...watching all the cars, all the pretty faces, and all the opportunities to revel in life...pass you by; and all you can do is literally watch it---because you're shackled at the ankles and locked into the moment. You feel tormented and tortured, saddened and confused, humanly defiled and mistreated. This is my capacity of life, as I speak.

Everyday, every single day I wake up sad, emotionally & physically trapped, without an understanding as to why my life is without life. I struggle with myself, with my emotions and my mental, wondering why my head wants and needs things I cannot seem to find the means to gravitate to. I feel useless, purposeless, stuck in a place that limits the possibilities and the potential that my heart yearns and my soul has created.

Everyday, I wake up already knowing what the day will bring. Already predicting the schedule of events, or the lack, that will occur. Somedays I feel less empowered, less motivated, less hopeful than the day before...and others, I feel like this is my day for escape. For physical, emotional, and mental freedom. Some days I don't want to wake up, some days I want life to just end, some days is just another day. Another day to sit in a room, surrounded by four white walls and nothing but time ponder.

My faith has been in limbo, I feel forsaken. Unforgiven for something I might have done....and guilty for not believing, for forgetting to pray, for questioning the will of God.

This all sounds so simple to be relieved of. I know it does. How easy it could be to just walk out, step in, and never look back. If it were, believe me, I would be the first to leave. Despite my sadness, despite my sentiments, I am a superiorly motivated and hopeful individual. I am just so tired of lack of resources and misfortune standing at my side, whenever I attempt to make an effort to make my life better. If I've never had any other friends, I've always known that my pals "Lack of Resources" and "Misfortune" would always be there to have my back.

I'm tired of being stuck, I'm tired of struggling, I'm tired of being afraid of shit to go wrong in my life. I'm tired of watching my life, my peers, my family continue on prosperously with their lives, and not understanding what in the world I could have done to not deserve the same. I'm tired of pain riding my back, sadness squeezing the life from me, and hurt making a mockery of me.

I've always deserved better. I've always looked for better. I've tried to be good, but my understanding in truth and in good deeds baffles me. Why do good people hurt so bad?

I'm so frustrated with dreaming wide awake, watching my hopes play out before my eyes...only I'm never an actor in that play.

I just wish to be saved. I don't want to stay here. I'm ready! I am ready.

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SoFaReal