Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Mariah Carey_Without You

I have been goin' crazy, almost literally over this performance and song. One of the most incredibly emotional song I've ever heard in all my life. I can't pin point why, but it brings me to tears. There's so much passion and depth in her vocals that's its indescribable. And that is....SoFaReal.

Sunday, October 08, 2006

I was thinking to myself yesterday at work, while sulking in a wee bit of depression....who do I believe could be the one person that could make me happy in this very moment (or at least take my worries from me just for a little while). I thought and I thought....imagined myself in that person's presence and them attempting to console me...make me feel better about the struggling life that I lead. And as I went through each person....I still felt the same emotionally when I imagined them....an embrace from my mother--No....encouraging words from my religious aunt and uncle--No....insiteful thoughts from my grandmother--No....and finally there was one---the only person I've ever really cared about in an emotionally loving way...."my boi." And although I know we've had our problems and worries....there's still something there for me to know that he still has my back. I know he's said somethings to me that hurt so bad, and I've done somethings to make him feel the same...but in any and all things we've endured, I still feel like no one....no one can do the things for me he's done. I was in love with "my boi," but what about that experience---even though I know that what we had is over---keeps me feeling what I feel about him. I know he would never hurt me intentionally and only has my best interest at heart. And I understand that more now that we are only just friends. I just love him for who he is and what he's done in my life. Despite what I've done to him, I know if he knew that I truly needed him there for me, he would be....put everything else aside, forget everything that's happened...he would be there for me, because our relatioship is based off only love, and not disagreements and upsets that cause bitterness towards one another. That doesn't dictate the virtues within us to be good to one another. And because of that, I can't have nothing but love for him. I know he's my source of savior, no matter where I am in life and who I'm with, he will always be my back-bone. That's true love. Sometimes I feel like I just want to fall into him, be one within him, and share the essence of him. I know that man's soul, y'all. It's so hard to explain how I feel about this man, and it's not even an in love thing....it's something so much more. I know it, and I trust it.


SoFaReal

Friday, October 06, 2006


So, here's my problem: I'm working a fucking dead-end job that comsumes every bit of my life, and it's leading me to a place where I'm not only being worn down to the core, but I'm beginning to loose my individuality. I feel like everything that i do, resolves around that little place of employement named Chili's. Every since I've been there, I feel like I'm a completely different person, and I don't even know what things interest me anymore. I've been feeling these things for a while now, and yes, I've even tried to get out of this hole that I'm in by looking for another job, but nothing seems to look up for me. And it's funny how I know why I hate Chili's and why I feel like I need another job, but for some reason I'm just convinced that things will get better for me. But I truly believe that tonight was my final straw and what really set everything off for me. I was there from 5p until about 10p and I kid you not I had all of 5 tables on a Friday night, and made $20. And if there's anyone out there who knows about serving, you know damn well that i had a FUCKED-UP night. Friday fucking night. I was pissed the fucked off; and on top of that they had me doing To-Go, which i by the way, wasn't getting paid for, and I had this party with these ill-behaved ass kids who tore napkins and shit all over the fucking place, and who were fuckin' up shit all throughout the fucking restaurant. I was mad because #1) I have to clean that shit up and #2) they didn't fucking tip me shit, and took up all of two hours of my goddamn time. That's a lot of money I could have been making. And don't y'all go and start judging me and shit, talkin' bout all I care about is getting money out of people, and shit. That is not the fuckin' case. I make goddamn $2.13 and hour, none of which I see, and all of my money comes from tip. Every cent that I spend, every bill that I pay, every tank of gas that i fill...all comes from my tips. My sustaining life depends on that shit. That's why I'm fed the fuck up. I'm just tried of serving stupid-ass, ill-mannered ass people, who ain't about shit. I'm just tired of this shit. I feel like serving is a fucking trap. You get into it, and it's alright at first, but then they start wantin' you to work more shifts, do more work, stressin' you the fuck out, and on top of that I'm at a slow ass Chili's. Don't nobody give a fuck about Chili' no more. I'm just tired of it. That's my point. I can't do it no more. I'm not the person I use to be, I can never do the thing I desire to do, and I'm just losing out on the experience of life too much to continue. I feel like I don't belong to myself anymore. Who am I, and how can I go about retaining that life that was once within me? Help me find my truth....


SoFaReal

Tuesday, October 03, 2006


"His Fire Within Me"

removing things of the past

is something undeniably tough to do

reconsiling the great emotional mass

and trying to unmark all the feelings that i felt for you

i know it's unhealthy & my mind keeps tellin' me its okay to be free

but truth be told, you're the greatest thing that's ever happened to me

its so hard to say goodbye to your yesterdays and all the things you knew to be so real

i remember when you first called me your hubby

and from that point on, i realized it was my heart you were tryna steal

but now that's all a memory of the "what was"

and as surely as dusk falls

so does the passion i once felt to which i gave my all

this is truthfully the best thing for both of us

parting separately to venture in our own ways

but still making certain, close by we'll both stay

and if fate so brings us back on some randomly appointed day

inseparable by a mutual vision of truth, love, & even lust

our hearts then must be like criss & cross---not truly one without the other

and that we must only trust.....

~~~~~~~~~~

SoFaReal