Thursday, December 11, 2008

Hello to everyone and to my blog itself. Its been a minute since i last blogged....some things have changed...Ive gotten busy with others.....but here i am now.

Nothing too special occurring....although i said some changes have occurred, my life is still uneventful. But I'm working some things out and trying to get ahead in life. That's what its about...sacrifices and change.

My mother found out that I was gay....really crazy story. It still amazes....her reaction to it all. You expected dramatic, unaccepting mom...but what I got was this devil....evilly conspiring to rid me of this world. She cursed me, denied me....ripped out the love that she supposedly had for me....but i never really believed it. You know, i just always accepted the fact that mom is not always n the house, but she sure is on the fucking table, as these ramen noodles I'm eating. That's my moms love, right there! I eat love for breakfast, lunch and dinner....and sometimes a snack. Y'all already know she just wasn't there. So, love to me is like in another world. It don't mean shit to me.

Sometimes I think i want to be in love. But I'm always so sure....i mean, it doesn't have a foundation with me, so how do accept it so easily. You know, I'm vulnerable to it in the sense that theres no barriers in front of me to protect me from it. I hear it hurts, pains, makes one weak....makes one silly to do odd things!!! I'm afraid of that....and more more, I don't know how.

Since I been sexually active, all i know is flings and one nighters! Its sad, but its all i know...all i was ever taught. You see, I grew up developmentally in Atlanta. Atlanta don't give a shit gay bois....yea, we probably pay over half of the metroplexes property taxing and shit....I mean, we are everywhere n Atlanta. So, you know when i started coming into my own....i knew i was looking pleasure....but more so, i like to say "Satisfaction..." To me that sounds a little more classy, and u can use it in any situation. I was looking to be completely and utterly....made whole, made complete....not longing or without. That what satisfaction means....I'm so full...that i don't want for more!!

And you know, in the media they portray gay men as weak, women. Women take dick....women purr over men....and so thats what I thought i was as well. A felion purr and preying for men....who needed so dick.

Thats what love became for me....dick....tasting it, swallowing it, taking it....condomed....raw....wherever, whenever, however, with whomever!!!

This is all what I know love to me....this life Ive let in intimacy and relationships is without a death!!It is is nothing!

So, when i find men who actually are something....and this is all the time, i know know, when this happens im all okayed....lets go for it....lets make a partnership...a relationship. Then , it comes around the time when u start to have feeling for the next person...they are falling. I am not. I have no connection to people. I make no attachments. Yes, there people and moments that I will cherish for a long while....but nothing stay with my heart....I have heart....I have a heart....but it doesnt accept. There are many credible moments in life that belong......but they sit on the heart....and never rest....never enters my heart. So, i dont know how to let go and let people ride away into my life. It frustrates me because I know I need and even want that for myself....but im not so certain im capable. How do I unlock my heart....its like I locked it...and threw away the key, without a thought as to "maybe someday i might actually want to opened again!"

So, what I been lately is this charades of meeting guys, wooing them....even getting to the point now of actually courting them...then, i get bored. stop. and move on. There things guy I been seeing for the past...well since the day before Thanksgiving. You know, hes a sweetheart....real kind, has gorgeous face and smile....nice qualities. I like him...i really do. And I can see use going somewhere, possibly. He asked me to have sex with him last night...I didnt want to....But you know, he said I put him in a mood to want some dick. So I gave it to him. The bad part.....yes, I think it was to soon, but the worst part of that....I loose interest after early sex...or sex period. I mean, I been seeing this guy for almost two weeks, but I wanted us to see if I can actually do that....and maybe see love down the way. So, we will see what happens with that.

On the other hand, I have this other friend right now! Real cool, real nice....genuinely a sweet guy! He's 27 and a complete top. You know, when I met know it was understood what was going to happen between us regardless of anything else....we were having sex....and that was that. No feelings. None of that. So, he's top right....and I didnt mention DL. Like absolutely no one knows about him!!! Not even his closest friend....his one. So, its rare that I see him because his roomate is hard to get rid maybe twice a week I see him....we freak....and its some of the best dick I ever I know that really out there....but this niggas dick is soooooooo I twitch and shit thinking about it. Image!!!! But yea, we have fucked around like 4 times....really great. But Im also keeping this going while talking to Dude A. Im not even so sure I wanna give let that go....and neither is he....he loves to be with me!!!

And then. lastly, there's a Dude C. Havent met yet, seems to genuinely interested in me, thus far. He's like 27, as well. Cute....killing body! Excited about that. But he could be a combo of Dude A & Dude B. Which would ultimate. He's a vers that might work out well.....


Rewind!!! See what just happened here....I flipped....and I started regaling in the bliss of my current sex life....why does that seem so normal....did I sound satisfied with what was currently occurring in my life? Is it substance????...............And lastly, am I actually relationship material?? On top of this all, I actually starting to get tired of meeting men, all together. Im becoming bored.... Does everyone have to be in love, want to be in love, or have had love??? Does love have to exist for me to sustain???? What is happiness/satisfaction without love?

Any help on this would be lovely.

Shout out to my dude, Blaq-n-Mild.....ur are the Man!!! You always been there...or here....for me! I appreciate u....really welcoming person!

Peace & Love.


Friday, October 10, 2008

Why cant I fix this shit! Im 22 yrs old, and I cant seem to come out of this unhappiness, this emptiness that fully fills and occupies me. I look at my life....even just on the surface...and I realize that I have nothing. There is not shit in my life that I have to live for. And I mean this in a "im not about to kill myself, not depressed" way. What Im saying is "what the fuck am I doing with my life...why am I living....what am I living to do?" I love life, I adore the possibilities. But why am I not enjoying it all.

I have these dreams sometimes, usually very elaborate. And I will see images, motion....see myself doing things in life that I could only dreams about, literally. I see me in careers and with hobbies and things I picture myself doing all the time. But why does it all seem to stay in my head. I cant comprehend why I see the vision, but I can't live the task. I was watching some video on YouTube yesterday, and in the lyrics the artist said somthing so simple, but so profound at the same was something to the nature of "no one knows me under these clothes".........I just found it. It was Alicia Keys' "Superwoman" song and the lyrics were
When I'm breaking down
And I can't be found
And I start to get weak
Cause no one knows
Me underneath these clothes
But I can fly

.......and that shit just really hit me because I find myself everyday just looking at myself inwardly, and thinking 'what people see me as from the outside is nothing that I am on the inside...from my dress to my personality to my aspirations to my potential.....I am everything that no one sees. I live a life that is impurposed for me. I do things that are out of character to make myself feel and look like the next person....but really, Im just trying to find out how to get to that place where I know I should be. Its hard.

One of the struggles I have right now is filling the emptiness of persons in my life. It's something Ive dealt with my whole life. But it comes and it goes with I go though these phases of thinking Im saved, thinking I'm complete....but it always turns out unreal. The way...the only way I've ever dealt with the lack of people in my life is sex. I dont have any concerned family, the companion of friends, the love of a partner.....never have....otherwise Id probably die to hold on to it. It may appear--as it always does--that Im happy in that sense....but the truth is, I have nobody. I dont talk to nobody, I dont chill with nobody, I dont love nobody. I have always been a loner...from grade school to now, and its a complete struggle for me....especially as I have come into adulthood. Either Im pushing people away or they are pushing me away.

So, most of my communication with the "outside" is on this site called BGC. Most of you know about it. And one of the questions I can almost rely on getting is "why are you single." My looks have always gotten me noticed by black men, as I have found as I grow. I didnt really understand how attractive other people thought I was until I got into the online world and until I got on my own and into school and such. You know, I been offered modeling proposals, dates, all that.....but the one thing that seems to linger is the offer of sex. The reality of it all, is that dudes just want to fuck you! You look good as hell, and so they just desire and burn for a piece of you. And me....dealing and struggling with that void of love, with that void of companionship....I give in to it....I say yes. Let's do fuck. And the one thing in the back of my head that kills me about myself everytime is "I dont want to do this....I dont want to do this." I almost never want to have sex. I can count on my hand.....out of all the dudes I have had sex with....the ones I actually wanted to fuck with. It's real sad....but im going to be Real, because thats who I am...and say that I fuck for pity. I offer dudes my body, whether it me being penetrated or me penetrating a form of pity. And I think about it, and it's a real fucking shame. Because I am not that person. Every single time, I come out of the experience feeling hopeless, alone, and drained. There's this sadness that comes over me that just numbs me. My head sometimes gets lost and I feel I have nothing, no matters, nobody. And it hurts me. But I dont know anything different. I dont know how to make up for what I have never had, you know.

How do I make myself complete???How do I keep myself from destroying my potential? How do I keep myself out of people's beds?How do I get people to actually genuinely be concerned for me, and not just judge what they see on my surface? Im tired of being asked why am I single? Im single because you wont love me? You know, its hard to even form this thought....but I am really, really desperate for someone to truly want, care, and love me. There was/is this guy that I am talking to. And we started out badly to begin with by having sex. But I fell for him. The poem below tells of what I felt like the day after I met and had sex with him. But my emotions just overwhelmed me that day from that encounter, and I couldnt control them. I almost didnt want to control them, but I was cool. So, I told this dude how I felt, thinking I was being upfront and real with him. He was cool with it all, but overwhelmed. And I think to myself, and now I maybe I shouldnt have told him, because it freaked him out. He thought that I allowed my feeling to run, which I did....but in the same, I personally thought that he should have been flattered. I didnt realize that to him what we had was just a fuck, because I saw our night as very spiritual; it was that emotional for me. I got carried away---which is unusual---but I was so desperate for someone to want me like it felt like he wanted me that night---that i allowed myself to get carried away like I NEVER would before. And I regret that now, because I let him take a piece of me, he clearly had no desire for because now he's acting like a jerk now. I hate being naive and I hate being stupid enough to allow dudes the benefit of the doubt. You know, sometimes you think you might have met that right one, but it always turns out fucked. Then what? How do you recover from a situation like that, because in any other situation you would have never allowed it to happen. I cant do it anymore. Im tired of messing around, and feeling like shit, and like I have done shitty things after being with men.

I need more control....I need options....I need guidance to help steer me to my real place in life.

I think about school....and i just wonder where thats going. I been out for a while now, and I see kids always talking about it....I see people I graduated with already in careers...people with children; and then, I look at myself, and I just wonder. What have I done in the same amount of time that they have...what do I have to show for the past four years of my life that actually counts fore anything. I'm working two boring, deadend, troublesome jobs that I absolutely hate. I'm not in school. Dont know when I will be back in school. I do have any outside activities that I do. I'm just here. Seems to be just living in the moments. But I think a lot. And I require a lot for myself. I think about going to the Navy...if only for the experience of something new. But the thoughts stop just there, because I know I have no real passion for the military of anything they have to offer. But the possibilities that I might have to advance myself as a person, and then as an individual is what intrigues me. You know, I want to travel and see and experience all the world. I know what's out there. But the "getting to" part is where I stumble.

I think about all the things and places and people that everyone else has seem and done and been a part of and spend time with. And Im just wondering, if I think of it so much, how can i get it. I'm just really tired of waiting around. People say you have to be proactive, a go-getter. You have to 'make it happen.' Then, what the fuck is wrong with me?? How come I am having such a troublesome time at life, and getting the things that I dream of. I'm frustrated with dreaming, and trying to make up for what I dont have. I'm just a little messed up about trying to fill voids with the wrong's not me. Its all just out of place. I'm out of place. Im confused about the people who im trying to let in my life, and the ones i need to let out. Everything has become a blur for me....I feel like im following something without a means....searching discoveries.

Where is thing life of mine going?

I'm not sure what I need?

Or really what I want?

I just know that its missing and I want to find it.

The End.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Something escaped me last night
between the tears, the sweat, and the sex juices

You took me a place I had declined to go
but you spoke well of it
and assured me I'd never want to leave

Hours later I'm left feeling devoid, but comforted
disarrayed and under your control

The walls you battled yesterday are now torn
and my thoughts are out of focus

I don't know what I feel or why.
This has never happened.
I never get caught up.
I never cry over people.

But I have sat time and time again
in these little hours just stuck on you

Still lost in your kisses.
Tasting your salty body.
Sniffing your cologne.
Shivering from your 'bone' pulsating and penetrating me.

Empty-headed and unaffected
I have lost it and I believe you took it

I'm sore.
I'm weak.
And if my sanity speaks truth to me,
it's telling me I'm falling too soon.

I have lost myself in you.
And it hurts like hell
'cause I'm not ready to fall.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Rambles thru the Shambles of This "Life"

I wish that I could cry...cry to someone about some things in my life that challenges me everyday and frightens me throughout the night.....The people who claim strong bonds and nurtured friendships are the same persons I know I don't need in my life...whether friends or family everyone pretends---and are so intentful in doing so---on making it their purpose to "act" like they are truly meaningful to my existence. Im so fed up with the lies and fa├žades that people build to make themselves look good. Im tired of trust in others is so far gone. Why can't people be real anymore...the truth may hurt...but damn it, SAY IT. Im really ready to throw the towel in on everyone I know. Although, im mostly insistent about keeping my life personal, the few times that I actually wish I could lean on someone, no one I know can be there and not judge or criticize....gloat or revel in their own good fortunes. Its all bogus bullshit. This week, I've even gone as far as to cutting off my outlets to the outside world. I've shut down my phone, because im tired of talking about nothing to people I mean nothing to. Im tired of listening to "friends" pretend they give a crap. Im just incredibly annoyed with deception of this world...being alone this past year has made me realize so much. All this not having, not getting, forever longing, constant worry of why, where, and how, has put such a strain on me, that I've began to realize why shit has gone soooo sour in my life. I'm trying now to take the time to accept what I have momentarily, realize that the reason my life is not going is because maybe im just not prepared. I've done sooooo much shit to try resolving the crap that reeks in my life, to make matters better for me, to make a not so happy childhood & a deprived adolescent-hood look better in adulthood, that I have not searched internally for answers to making my life work. Im always planning, forever challenging what I can do...only to see it fail me one point or another. Its hard and frankly depressing to see this shit happen, I can't lie. But there has to be reason, right? Ok.......I quit. Its 2am, im rambling, my thoughts are family is stressing me because they think they understand my "situation" only because they are NOT going thru the same shit. Ahhhhhh! Leave me. Fuck off PEOPLE! You don't me.
*Please excuse the negative tone of my blog. Shit is not right as of late...I would write in personal log journey, but I explicate better when typing. Forgive me.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Stop Picking On Me

When LITERALLY everyone you know, everything you've ever worked against, when every obstacle you have ever been introduced to triumphs even after your greatest, most courageous fight of life...when all these things have failed you...when you've been shut out and never seen success in your favor...what does that mean?

Consciously, im outstandingly motivated, driven to outdo what has never been done in my life...overcoming the strifes I endured, am enduring, and will endure.

I can't make sense of my consistent failure in life. Physically, I have done nothing to hinder a potential win in my complete exist. It makes no sense whatsoever. How could someone so hopeful and so passionate, get stamped on and run over time and time again. I don't know what I have done or haven't done to deserve what I can't seem to get. The shit is fucked up...but im not giving up, because it would be the hardest to do...but Imma say it like this:

"Ah nigga is fuckin' tired of the bullshit."

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Captured At Heart

One of my worse feelings about meeting new people is getting attached. Usually, the fear resides in another individual getting attached to you, and not you actually getting attached. To be honest, I actually fear both (and frankly have a tendency to call those who "get attached," stalkers...when really they're just nothing more than persons trying to get to know me better).

But for some reason or another---whether its the fact that I've always chosen a less-social, "loner" path to adulthood or the fact that I'm just not fond of being around people, considerably---I find myself, psychologically fixed on certain people sometimes. It's very rare, because I'm mostly selective about who is in and out of my life, but when it does happen, I know its for some great reason. You would think that relationships that put you through emotionally would be good or desiring. But for me its torture.

I've try so hard to keep myself emotionally and mentally disbarred from people, so as to keep myself from being hurt like I've seen so many countless times before. I do it in family, in friendships, even so romantically. I prevent myself from allowing my heart to get involved. Maybe my trouble is not in NOT liking people, but fear of what people are capable of.

I have mixed emotions..I'm confused about how I should or shouldn't accept people into my life. I would like to have depth in my connection with people...I want to be pulled and tugged, sometimes drained, even imprisoned by my connect with people, but im emotionally incapable. I have troubled myself so much, that I won't allow kinship & heart to enter my relations with others.

But im not ruthless and I'm not insensitive. I care. I'm just not IN it...does that make sense. Im not in it to where it would mean a break in who I am, in my feelings toward that individual...knowing them won't change me, won't pain me in a great will not put a toll on me.

Although it's beneficial in some situations, it's sad in others. I yearn for substance in relationships, but somewhere along my path in life...the cord between me and "them" was severed.

Every now and again, though, I meet someone. And despite my unconscious efforts to push them out of my life, they're consistent in the beginning, which triggers my emotions and refires my yearning to actually WANT to know them. Its great. They make me feel good, I make them feel good. But the failure comes when I get attached mentally...I want them either romantically or intimately, or both and I can't have them. I hate being that. I feel in control of my actions...but in my head I want our intimacy to last! I want it all the time, in time, and on time. And I believe this is why I stray away from building relationships with people. I consume myself with the peace and grace I get when I meet people who actually DO it for me. The people who somehow knows how to reach & unlock a heart; a heart that is not only locked in & shut down, but locked out emotionally from even feeling.

I guess my trouble is in wanting something I KNOW I can't handle, and I fear it so, that I imprison myself & my happiness from having it. It's like a drug. I feel it best to keep away, because not only do I know it will hurt me inevitably, but it drains me. Id rather be unhappy & unattached, than connected & emotionally without control.


Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Staggered. Where is My Beginning?

Imagine standing in a standstill poise, in the middle of the fastest, most resourceful, and diverse cities in the world...watching all the cars, all the pretty faces, and all the opportunities to revel in life...pass you by; and all you can do is literally watch it---because you're shackled at the ankles and locked into the moment. You feel tormented and tortured, saddened and confused, humanly defiled and mistreated. This is my capacity of life, as I speak.

Everyday, every single day I wake up sad, emotionally & physically trapped, without an understanding as to why my life is without life. I struggle with myself, with my emotions and my mental, wondering why my head wants and needs things I cannot seem to find the means to gravitate to. I feel useless, purposeless, stuck in a place that limits the possibilities and the potential that my heart yearns and my soul has created.

Everyday, I wake up already knowing what the day will bring. Already predicting the schedule of events, or the lack, that will occur. Somedays I feel less empowered, less motivated, less hopeful than the day before...and others, I feel like this is my day for escape. For physical, emotional, and mental freedom. Some days I don't want to wake up, some days I want life to just end, some days is just another day. Another day to sit in a room, surrounded by four white walls and nothing but time ponder.

My faith has been in limbo, I feel forsaken. Unforgiven for something I might have done....and guilty for not believing, for forgetting to pray, for questioning the will of God.

This all sounds so simple to be relieved of. I know it does. How easy it could be to just walk out, step in, and never look back. If it were, believe me, I would be the first to leave. Despite my sadness, despite my sentiments, I am a superiorly motivated and hopeful individual. I am just so tired of lack of resources and misfortune standing at my side, whenever I attempt to make an effort to make my life better. If I've never had any other friends, I've always known that my pals "Lack of Resources" and "Misfortune" would always be there to have my back.

I'm tired of being stuck, I'm tired of struggling, I'm tired of being afraid of shit to go wrong in my life. I'm tired of watching my life, my peers, my family continue on prosperously with their lives, and not understanding what in the world I could have done to not deserve the same. I'm tired of pain riding my back, sadness squeezing the life from me, and hurt making a mockery of me.

I've always deserved better. I've always looked for better. I've tried to be good, but my understanding in truth and in good deeds baffles me. Why do good people hurt so bad?

I'm so frustrated with dreaming wide awake, watching my hopes play out before my eyes...only I'm never an actor in that play.

I just wish to be saved. I don't want to stay here. I'm ready! I am ready.