Warm greeting, my Blog Family.

Recently, I've been going through a lot lately dealing with aspects of my life's potential. I always thought that once I graduated high school, that I would immediately go to college, then off to Medical School, and work my ass of in internships pursuing my life's dream of becoming a doctor. I'd imagined that I'd be one amongst many, an elite bunch of doctors, and possibly even the one to cure cancer, AIDS, or Diabetes. That was probably my problem...my imagination runs a mile a minute and I attempt at pursuing every thought and idea that comes to mind. When I was young I'd made up in my mind, that I was going to be a doctor....and nothing else. So, throughout my childhood, grade school, secondary schooling...I was a future doctor. I never gave myself room to consider anything else.

Finally, I got to college...and "Ah, hell," reality set in. Bio, Chem, and all the coursework that was prerequisite for the Bio/Pre-Med major, just honestly did not suit my fancy. I was constantly struggling, making myself believe that eventually I'd "get it." That never happened. So, after that I changed my major like five other time over the course of 3 years in pursuit of making a satisfying career. Here I am almost four year later, have moved back home, 2 time college dropout, and still lacking passion in life. This is where my sadness stems and where my soul is void.

So, I went back to a lesson that my grandmother and my aunt taught me years and years ago....when in doubt and when your soul is lost....pray. And so I dropped to my knees and I began to pray. This is a time when I felt like I needed God most, and when I have those moments, I crumble and I break and I weep, inconsolably. For I know there is no one else to call upon, and no one else who can cure my pain and soothe my frustrations. Sometimes, like this time....I cant speak and I'm so emotional, but I know that He knows...and I know He understands, and I know that he listens to me cry, and I worry not about my words...for my surrender alone is good enough. "My grace is sufficient." (smiles @ HisLoveCoversMe)

But the hardest part of this all has been that I've found something...something I've always been passionate about, but never considered it a "passion." And that's music. I love so many genres of music, and when I listen....I listen for quality, I listen for essence, I listen for the music....not the lyrics, but the music....the drums, the strings, and the piano. I hear things like that, and I hear small subtleties that most don't have the ear for. And when you think about it, honestly, it sets the foundation for the emotion in lyrics and the emotion from which the singer sings. And so I thought, why not pursue music? Like most people, I have many reservations about music. Most people don't consider it an actual career, more of a hobby. And think only those select few who stick out can "make it." There is much truth to that, and I think to myself 'what makes me so much better than the next?' I can't read music, I can't play an instrument, and although I can hold a tune, I'm not the best singer. Yet I love, thrive, and breathe music. I never before realize how much...but I am truly passionate for those harmonies and lyrics and melodies. And just like everything else in my life, I think "Why not?"

Its kind of funny because the things that I embrace, the things that I forget to acknowledge, the things I set on the back aisle...are the things I never realized I love the most. Music, art, artistic & theatrical dance....the things that are suppose to be just pleasures, leisures, or hobbies, are the same things that make me happy, that makes me smile.

But I can't avoid associating pleasures with failures; I fear if I get in too deep of reveling in my own glee, I'll loose my purpose and fail. Or just maybe this is my purpose. It's so hard to figure out, because with trying to manifest my passion, comes a lot of work. And from my history, the pattern has been if there's too much involved, I'm not happy. And when I'm not happy...I quit!

So, this is kind of what I'm battling with....a battle of the conscious & logic versus the emotions & pleasures. But I know me a little more than I give myself credit for, and I can almost guarantee that I'll choose my feelings over my thoughts, my emotions over my conscious, and my heart over my head.

I have a long road ahead, but I truly feel like I can do it. I'm going to work towards music engineering/production and composition. So, 2008 here I come. My only prayer is that God rides this journey with me, and guides my hands & fingers along the keys of my new keyboard, as I pursue this dream of mine, and this passion that burns like fire.

"The LORD is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him." -- Lamentations 3:24