Staggered. Where is My Beginning?

Imagine standing in a standstill poise, in the middle of the fastest, most resourceful, and diverse cities in the world...watching all the cars, all the pretty faces, and all the opportunities to revel in life...pass you by; and all you can do is literally watch it---because you're shackled at the ankles and locked into the moment. You feel tormented and tortured, saddened and confused, humanly defiled and mistreated. This is my capacity of life, as I speak.

Everyday, every single day I wake up sad, emotionally & physically trapped, without an understanding as to why my life is without life. I struggle with myself, with my emotions and my mental, wondering why my head wants and needs things I cannot seem to find the means to gravitate to. I feel useless, purposeless, stuck in a place that limits the possibilities and the potential that my heart yearns and my soul has created.

Everyday, I wake up already knowing what the day will bring. Already predicting the schedule of events, or the lack, that will occur. Somedays I feel less empowered, less motivated, less hopeful than the day before...and others, I feel like this is my day for escape. For physical, emotional, and mental freedom. Some days I don't want to wake up, some days I want life to just end, some days is just another day. Another day to sit in a room, surrounded by four white walls and nothing but time ponder.

My faith has been in limbo, I feel forsaken. Unforgiven for something I might have done....and guilty for not believing, for forgetting to pray, for questioning the will of God.

This all sounds so simple to be relieved of. I know it does. How easy it could be to just walk out, step in, and never look back. If it were, believe me, I would be the first to leave. Despite my sadness, despite my sentiments, I am a superiorly motivated and hopeful individual. I am just so tired of lack of resources and misfortune standing at my side, whenever I attempt to make an effort to make my life better. If I've never had any other friends, I've always known that my pals "Lack of Resources" and "Misfortune" would always be there to have my back.

I'm tired of being stuck, I'm tired of struggling, I'm tired of being afraid of shit to go wrong in my life. I'm tired of watching my life, my peers, my family continue on prosperously with their lives, and not understanding what in the world I could have done to not deserve the same. I'm tired of pain riding my back, sadness squeezing the life from me, and hurt making a mockery of me.

I've always deserved better. I've always looked for better. I've tried to be good, but my understanding in truth and in good deeds baffles me. Why do good people hurt so bad?

I'm so frustrated with dreaming wide awake, watching my hopes play out before my eyes...only I'm never an actor in that play.

I just wish to be saved. I don't want to stay here. I'm ready! I am ready.

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SoFaReal