Rambles thru the Shambles of This "Life"

I wish that I could cry...cry to someone about some things in my life that challenges me everyday and frightens me throughout the night.....The people who claim strong bonds and nurtured friendships are the same persons I know I don't need in my life...whether friends or family everyone pretends---and are so intentful in doing so---on making it their purpose to "act" like they are truly meaningful to my existence. Im so fed up with the lies and façades that people build to make themselves look good. Im tired of people...my trust in others is so far gone. Why can't people be real anymore...the truth may hurt...but damn it, SAY IT. Im really ready to throw the towel in on everyone I know. Although, im mostly insistent about keeping my life personal, the few times that I actually wish I could lean on someone, no one I know can be there and not judge or criticize....gloat or revel in their own good fortunes. Its all bogus bullshit. This week, I've even gone as far as to cutting off my outlets to the outside world. I've shut down my phone, because im tired of talking about nothing to people I mean nothing to. Im tired of listening to "friends" pretend they give a crap. Im just incredibly annoyed with deception of this world...being alone this past year has made me realize so much. All this not having, not getting, forever longing, constant worry of why, where, and how, has put such a strain on me, that I've began to realize why shit has gone soooo sour in my life. I'm trying now to take the time to accept what I have momentarily, realize that the reason my life is not going is because maybe im just not prepared. I've done sooooo much shit to try resolving the crap that reeks in my life, to make matters better for me, to make a not so happy childhood & a deprived adolescent-hood look better in adulthood, that I have not searched internally for answers to making my life work. Im always planning, forever challenging what I can do...only to see it fail me one point or another. Its hard and frankly depressing to see this shit happen, I can't lie. But there has to be reason, right? Ok.......I quit. Its 2am, im rambling, my thoughts are incoherent...my family is stressing me because they think they understand my "situation" only because they are NOT going thru the same shit. Ahhhhhh! Leave me. Fuck off PEOPLE! You don't me.
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*Please excuse the negative tone of my blog. Shit is not right as of late...I would write in personal log journey, but I explicate better when typing. Forgive me.