Hello to everyone and to my blog itself. Its been a minute since i last blogged....some things have changed...Ive gotten busy with others.....but here i am now.



Nothing too special occurring....although i said some changes have occurred, my life is still uneventful. But I'm working some things out and trying to get ahead in life. That's what its about...sacrifices and change.



My mother found out that I was gay....really crazy story. It still amazes....her reaction to it all. You expected dramatic, unaccepting mom...but what I got was this devil....evilly conspiring to rid me of this world. She cursed me, denied me....ripped out the love that she supposedly had for me....but i never really believed it. You know, i just always accepted the fact that mom is not always n the house, but she sure is on the fucking table, as these ramen noodles I'm eating. That's my moms love, right there! I eat love for breakfast, lunch and dinner....and sometimes a snack. Y'all already know she just wasn't there. So, love to me is like in another world. It don't mean shit to me.



Sometimes I think i want to be in love. But I'm always so sure....i mean, it doesn't have a foundation with me, so how do accept it so easily. You know, I'm vulnerable to it in the sense that theres no barriers in front of me to protect me from it. I hear it hurts, pains, makes one weak....makes one silly to do odd things!!! I'm afraid of that....and more more, I don't know how.



Since I been sexually active, all i know is flings and one nighters! Its sad, but its all i know...all i was ever taught. You see, I grew up developmentally in Atlanta. Atlanta don't give a shit gay bois....yea, we probably pay over half of the metroplexes property taxing and shit....I mean, we are everywhere n Atlanta. So, you know when i started coming into my own....i knew i was looking pleasure....but more so, i like to say "Satisfaction..." To me that sounds a little more classy, and u can use it in any situation. I was looking to be completely and utterly....made whole, made complete....not longing or without. That what satisfaction is....it means....I'm so full...that i don't want for more!!



And you know, in the media they portray gay men as weak, sissies....like women. Women take dick....women purr over men....and so thats what I thought i was as well. A felion purr and preying for men....who needed so dick.



Thats what love became for me....dick....tasting it, swallowing it, taking it....condomed....raw....wherever, whenever, however, with whomever!!!



This is all what I know love to me....this life Ive let in intimacy and relationships is without life...is a death!!It is nothing.....love is nothing!



So, when i find men who actually are something....and this is all the time, i know it......you know, when this happens im all okayed....lets go for it....lets make a partnership...a relationship. Then , it comes around the time when u start to have feeling for the next person...they are falling. I am not. I have no connection to people. I make no attachments. Yes, there people and moments that I will cherish for a long while....but nothing stay with my heart....I have heart....I have a heart....but it doesnt accept. There are many credible moments in life that belong......but they sit on the heart....and never rest....never enters my heart. So, i dont know how to let go and let people ride away into my life. It frustrates me because I know I need and even want that for myself....but im not so certain im capable. How do I unlock my heart....its like I locked it...and threw away the key, without a thought as to "maybe someday i might actually want to opened again!"



So, what I been lately is this charades of meeting guys, wooing them....even getting to the point now of actually courting them...then, i get bored. stop. and move on. There things guy I been seeing for the past...well since the day before Thanksgiving. You know, hes a sweetheart....real kind, has gorgeous face and smile....nice qualities. I like him...i really do. And I can see use going somewhere, possibly. He asked me to have sex with him last night...I didnt want to....But you know, he said I put him in a mood to want some dick. So I gave it to him. The bad part.....yes, I think it was to soon, but the worst part of that....I loose interest after early sex...or sex period. I mean, I been seeing this guy for almost two weeks, but I wanted us to sustain....to see if I can actually do that....and maybe see love down the way. So, we will see what happens with that.



On the other hand, I have this other friend right now! Real cool, real nice....genuinely a sweet guy! He's 27 and a complete top. You know, when I met him....you know it was understood what was going to happen between us regardless of anything else....we were having sex....and that was that. No feelings. None of that. So, he's top right....and I didnt mention DL. Like absolutely no one knows about him!!! Not even his closest friend....his roommates...no one. So, its rare that I see him because his roomate is hard to get rid of....so maybe twice a week I see him....we freak....and its some of the best dick I ever had....lol....Like I know that really out there....but this niggas dick is soooooooo right....like I twitch and shit thinking about it. Image!!!! But yea, we have fucked around like 4 times....really great. But Im also keeping this going while talking to Dude A. Im not even so sure I wanna give let that go....and neither is he....he loves to be with me!!!



And then. lastly, there's a Dude C. Havent met yet, seems to genuinely interested in me, thus far. He's like 27, as well. Cute....killing body! Excited about that. But he could be a combo of Dude A & Dude B. Which would ultimate. He's a vers top....so that might work out well.....



___________



Rewind!!! See what just happened here....I flipped....and I started regaling in the bliss of my current sex life....why does that seem so normal....did I sound satisfied with what was currently occurring in my life? Is it substance????...............And lastly, am I actually relationship material?? On top of this all, I actually starting to get tired of meeting men, all together. Im becoming bored.... Does everyone have to be in love, want to be in love, or have had love??? Does love have to exist for me to sustain???? What is happiness/satisfaction without love?



Any help on this would be lovely.



Shout out to my dude, Blaq-n-Mild.....ur are the Man!!! You always been there...or here....for me! I appreciate u....really welcoming person!



Peace & Love.



Syd.