About two weeks ago, after a very long and even excruciating period, I made my first steps back into the house of the Lord. It sounds almost simplistic now, but at the time of my departure, I had made my mind up that despite the relationship that I had built with God, I would allow certain distractions...certain ailments to deter the path and even block that path, from the very presence that gives me my survival. Yes...I called myself don' fixed and punished every man that called himself a "Man of God" and every place of worship by convincing myself that because they couldn't bless me with a message that spoke to my heart and because they couldn't render relevance to my life, that I'd be damned if I gave them another red cent. No sooner than I had set myself on that high shelf, then flung my nose in the air, so did the wheels turn and I became the prince of all damned. I learned a hard lesson for my sacrifice.

You see, our God is a selfish yet spiteful God. And I truly believe that because I am a pupil of his being, and because I knew the fundamentals of his word, and because I had taken the holy sacrament of baptism, and furthermore been saved by his blood, that He punished me deeper than those who didn't know Him. I could not reasonably put together a conclusion as to why "this" person has a beautiful home, or the other a fierce sports car that made all the heads turn, or the next, meaningful love...yet I'm left with a hand full of nothing. Usually, I'm not concerned about what other people have. I'm not an envious person and I don't have a jealous bone in my body. Yet and still, it made no sense for me to carry on the word and will of the Holy Master and still not see my blessings reign.

But more importantly, what I've learned despite the misconception, is that we all don't belong to Him. Of course, He loves us all, and has room in His kingdom for every soul. But it is our choices and our reasoning that separate us from His presense. The very man that is head of that lucretive corporation and even has money enough to trash, could have very well sold his soul to darkness because he felt forsaken by He who gave him life. I feel like there in lies the problem of those persons who loose their trust in God. Many of us feel like if we go to church and read the Bible that we'll all be okay. Our expectations of God are set high and we look to Him for miracles. We want what we want, when we want, yet don't realize that for everything there is a price, whether monetary or otherwise, for that which is worldly and everything that is not. I think we not only lack to communicate with God, but too we don't gratify Him enough; we don't thank Him for just being who He is. We form the conception that He is truly an Almighty, but really read into it as he is an All-Willing. He is all willing and ready to give you the things that you want because you feel like you deserve a treat for a good deed. This was me.

I wanted so much from God and I wanted Him to be my All-in-All; yet when I really think about what I was doing to deserve so much, I realize that at that point I had accepted a place that made me not only look small, but feel it. At the time, I thought I had it all right...going to work, paying my bills, helping in the community. But it was the things that I felt wasn't so bad that God wasn't so receptive to...loosely giving myself sexually to anybody who asked, smoking that "good," and reveling in material gods. Sheryl Crow says in her song "if it makes you happy, it can't be that bad." That was one of my best mottos, and I'd tell it to anybody who couldn't figure out if something they were doing was good or bad. But Sheryl, let me tell you something, home girl. There is so much more to it than gratifying yourself. Sure it sounds good, but if Jesus was the self-indulgent man that many of us are today, we wouldn't even be the who of what we think we are.

So, now I praise. For it is a miracle that he has even given me the means to recognize and admit my wrongs. Sure I still struggle with finding myself and shaping myself into a better individual; but in due time I will fully transition into the mold He longs me to be. I still battle everyday with the people in my life, and trying to rid the ones who are no good for me. I still cry when things aren't in reach, and my life spins with no control. But those days are gone of me asking for those things which won't fulfill me. God is my fill. And if He wants me to have, I will have...but I'm not going to push. Now when I pray, I just pray for peace. Peace of mind, peace for patience, peace in love...peace for my soul. If nothing else, I want my peace. Just extend me peace, and e'thang gon' be aight.