I wish that I could cry...cry to someone about some things in my life that challenges me everyday and frightens me throughout the night.....The people who claim strong bonds and nurtured friendships are the same persons I know I don't need in my life...whether friends or family everyone pretends---and are so intentful in doing so---on making it their purpose to "act" like they are truly meaningful to my existence. Im so fed up with the lies and façades that people build to make themselves look good. Im tired of people...my trust in others is so far gone. Why can't people be real anymore...the truth may hurt...but damn it, SAY IT. Im really ready to throw the towel in on everyone I know. Although, im mostly insistent about keeping my life personal, the few times that I actually wish I could lean on someone, no one I know can be there and not judge or criticize....gloat or revel in their own good fortunes. Its all bogus bullshit. This week, I've even gone as far as to cutting off my outlets to the outside world. I've shut down my phone, because im tired of talking about nothing to people I mean nothing to. Im tired of listening to "friends" pretend they give a crap. Im just incredibly annoyed with deception of this world...being alone this past year has made me realize so much. All this not having, not getting, forever longing, constant worry of why, where, and how, has put such a strain on me, that I've began to realize why shit has gone soooo sour in my life. I'm trying now to take the time to accept what I have momentarily, realize that the reason my life is not going is because maybe im just not prepared. I've done sooooo much shit to try resolving the crap that reeks in my life, to make matters better for me, to make a not so happy childhood & a deprived adolescent-hood look better in adulthood, that I have not searched internally for answers to making my life work. Im always planning, forever challenging what I can do...only to see it fail me one point or another. Its hard and frankly depressing to see this shit happen, I can't lie. But there has to be reason, right? Ok.......I quit. Its 2am, im rambling, my thoughts are incoherent...my family is stressing me because they think they understand my "situation" only because they are NOT going thru the same shit. Ahhhhhh! Leave me. Fuck off PEOPLE! You don't me.
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*Please excuse the negative tone of my blog. Shit is not right as of late...I would write in personal log journey, but I explicate better when typing. Forgive me.
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4 comments:
Wow yo. First and foremost I've missed you as of late. You haven't blogged in forever so I'm glad to see that you're still breathing. Now to your post...
I think both you and I are experiencing the same things with respect to friends. This year has been quite interesting in terms of my interminglings. I've made the conscious decision to keep spend more time with myself and become slightly introverted. There comes a time in ones life where it is important to spend time seeking strength from w/in and purging yourself whether brief or extended from those on the outside. Relying on others is cute, however, self reliance is best! "God BLESS the child thats got his own" and all that.
I do not purport to know what's going on in your life for we have never spoken beyond this blog but understand that all the things you are struggling thru in your life has a purpose unbeknown to you right now. Understand that even your best laid plans my fail because they conflict with GODS plan for you. When you put your energy into something that does not succeed, take a moment to find the lesson in the failure because it is then that GOD is speaking and directing your path. I personally view failure as a path to future success!
All in all baby boy, you'll be fine. Stay positive at ALL times and be open to new possibilities. Trust me, they will come when you least expect it as long as you're willing to receive it.
~Damnit!
Friends are often under valued and people are elevated to this position being unworthy! I don't have many people around me and I like that. Hookups and a bf. Nobody much to talk to but at the same time nobody to disappoint me!
I do hope that you do step into the self knowledge that you seek and grow in such!
This is so intensed man. Let talk soon.
Even though I am so late and have been in and out of my own blog .... after reading what you said..... I really feel you on what your saying. I have also went through the struggles of being alone even when I am not alone in the physical sense. Emotionally, I felt alone. All people at work, family, even the relationship that I was once in didn't fully complete me and just caused me pain. The people that I thought understood me didn't and the one person I thought would understand, my ex, seems that we were both in different places.
Currently, I am dealing with the fact of being alone. Not having anyone to truly talk to or cry on their shoulder. Let alone that I am miles away from my family... living in a state where I still know no one. Right now I am attempting to focus on me and it hasn't been long, but in the same breathe it has not been easy. I got to work with my mask in my pocket...a mask that has a smile on it. However, at the end of the day that mask is not a true representation of me at my current state.
But to speak on both of our behalfs....you have to be happy within and love youself within. Friends and family are nice, but realize that they aren't always going to be there for you and you are going to have to live for you and make yourself happy at times. It is hard to do, but once you master it then the feeling of needing someone will change. In the same breathe you have to realize people come into your life for a reason too and not always for what we expect, want, or need them for. Everything is a lesson in life and you just have to be positive and learn from it. You cant feel sorry for yourself and shut down because thats what some people want you to do....that is what the devil wants you to even do and you just can't give it or people that power. Overcome, stay positive, and stay strong. Use this blogger as your outlet like you have been doing. Know that you have people out there that actually read the things you are going through and have that virtual shoulder out for you to cry on when you have nothing else. I know I am late on the post but I hope you are doing well at this point and feel much better and have a more positive outlook on things.
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