Captured At Heart

One of my worse feelings about meeting new people is getting attached. Usually, the fear resides in another individual getting attached to you, and not you actually getting attached. To be honest, I actually fear both (and frankly have a tendency to call those who "get attached," stalkers...when really they're just nothing more than persons trying to get to know me better).

But for some reason or another---whether its the fact that I've always chosen a less-social, "loner" path to adulthood or the fact that I'm just not fond of being around people, considerably---I find myself, psychologically fixed on certain people sometimes. It's very rare, because I'm mostly selective about who is in and out of my life, but when it does happen, I know its for some great reason. You would think that relationships that put you through emotionally would be good or desiring. But for me its torture.

I've try so hard to keep myself emotionally and mentally disbarred from people, so as to keep myself from being hurt like I've seen so many countless times before. I do it in family, in friendships, even so romantically. I prevent myself from allowing my heart to get involved. Maybe my trouble is not in NOT liking people, but fear of what people are capable of.

I have mixed emotions..I'm confused about how I should or shouldn't accept people into my life. I would like to have depth in my connection with people...I want to be pulled and tugged, sometimes drained, even imprisoned by my connect with people, but im emotionally incapable. I have troubled myself so much, that I won't allow kinship & heart to enter my relations with others.

But im not ruthless and I'm not insensitive. I care. I'm just not IN it...does that make sense. Im not in it to where it would mean a break in who I am, in my feelings toward that individual...knowing them won't change me, won't pain me in a great deal...it will not put a toll on me.

Although it's beneficial in some situations, it's sad in others. I yearn for substance in relationships, but somewhere along my path in life...the cord between me and "them" was severed.

Every now and again, though, I meet someone. And despite my unconscious efforts to push them out of my life, they're consistent in the beginning, which triggers my emotions and refires my yearning to actually WANT to know them. Its great. They make me feel good, I make them feel good. But the failure comes when I get attached mentally...I want them either romantically or intimately, or both and I can't have them. I hate being that. I feel in control of my actions...but in my head I want our intimacy to last! I want it all the time, in time, and on time. And I believe this is why I stray away from building relationships with people. I consume myself with the peace and grace I get when I meet people who actually DO it for me. The people who somehow knows how to reach & unlock a heart; a heart that is not only locked in & shut down, but locked out emotionally from even feeling.

I guess my trouble is in wanting something I KNOW I can't handle, and I fear it so, that I imprison myself & my happiness from having it. It's like a drug. I feel it best to keep away, because not only do I know it will hurt me inevitably, but it drains me. Id rather be unhappy & unattached, than connected & emotionally without control.

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{SoFaReal}