Why cant I fix this shit....my shit! Im 22 yrs old, and I cant seem to come out of this unhappiness, this emptiness that fully fills and occupies me. I look at my life....even just on the surface...and I realize that I have nothing. There is not shit in my life that I have to live for. And I mean this in a "im not about to kill myself, not depressed" way. What Im saying is "what the fuck am I doing with my life...why am I living....what am I living to do?" I love life, I adore the possibilities. But why am I not enjoying it all.

I have these dreams sometimes, usually very elaborate. And I will see images, motion....see myself doing things in life that I could only dreams about, literally. I see me in careers and with hobbies and things I picture myself doing all the time. But why does it all seem to stay in my head. I cant comprehend why I see the vision, but I can't live the task. I was watching some video on YouTube yesterday, and in the lyrics the artist said somthing so simple, but so profound at the same time....it was something to the nature of "no one knows me under these clothes".........I just found it. It was Alicia Keys' "Superwoman" song and the lyrics were

When I'm breaking down
And I can't be found
And I start to get weak
Cause no one knows
Me underneath these clothes
But I can fly

.......and that shit just really hit me because I find myself everyday just looking at myself inwardly, and thinking 'what people see me as from the outside is nothing that I am on the inside...from my dress to my personality to my aspirations to my potential.....I am everything that no one sees. I live a life that is impurposed for me. I do things that are out of character to make myself feel and look like the next person....but really, Im just trying to find out how to get to that place where I know I should be. Its hard.

One of the struggles I have right now is filling the emptiness of persons in my life. It's something Ive dealt with my whole life. But it comes and it goes with time...as I go though these phases of thinking Im saved, thinking I'm complete....but it always turns out unreal. The way...the only way I've ever dealt with the lack of people in my life is sex. I dont have any concerned family, the companion of friends, the love of a partner.....never have....otherwise Id probably die to hold on to it. It may appear--as it always does--that Im happy in that sense....but the truth is, I have nobody. I dont talk to nobody, I dont chill with nobody, I dont love nobody. I have always been a loner...from grade school to now, and its a complete struggle for me....especially as I have come into adulthood. Either Im pushing people away or they are pushing me away.

So, most of my communication with the "outside" is on this site called BGC. Most of you know about it. And one of the questions I can almost rely on getting is "why are you single." My looks have always gotten me noticed by black men, as I have found as I grow. I didnt really understand how attractive other people thought I was until I got into the online world and until I got on my own and into school and such. You know, I been offered modeling proposals, dates, all that.....but the one thing that seems to linger is the offer of sex. The reality of it all, is that dudes just want to fuck you! You look good as hell, and so they just desire and burn for a piece of you. And me....dealing and struggling with that void of love, with that void of companionship....I give in to it....I say yes. Let's do fuck. And the one thing in the back of my head that kills me about myself everytime is "I dont want to do this....I dont want to do this." I almost never want to have sex. I can count on my hand.....out of all the dudes I have had sex with....the ones I actually wanted to fuck with. It's real sad....but im going to be Real, because thats who I am...and say that I fuck for pity. I offer dudes my body, whether it me being penetrated or me penetrating them....as a form of pity. And I think about it, and it's a real fucking shame. Because I am not that person. Every single time, I come out of the experience feeling hopeless, alone, and drained. There's this sadness that comes over me that just numbs me. My head sometimes gets lost and I feel purposeless....like I have nothing, no matters, nobody. And it hurts me. But I dont know anything different. I dont know how to make up for what I have never had, you know.

How do I make myself complete???How do I keep myself from destroying my potential? How do I keep myself out of people's beds?How do I get people to actually genuinely be concerned for me, and not just judge what they see on my surface? Im tired of being asked why am I single? Im single because you wont love me? You know, its hard to even form this thought....but I am really, really desperate for someone to truly want, care, and love me. There was/is this guy that I am talking to. And we started out badly to begin with by having sex. But I fell for him. The poem below tells of what I felt like the day after I met and had sex with him. But my emotions just overwhelmed me that day from that encounter, and I couldnt control them. I almost didnt want to control them, but I was cool. So, I told this dude how I felt, thinking I was being upfront and real with him. He was cool with it all, but overwhelmed. And I think to myself, and now I maybe I shouldnt have told him, because it freaked him out. He thought that I allowed my feeling to run, which I did....but in the same, I personally thought that he should have been flattered. I didnt realize that to him what we had was just a fuck, because I saw our night as very spiritual; it was that emotional for me. I got carried away---which is unusual---but I was so desperate for someone to want me like it felt like he wanted me that night---that i allowed myself to get carried away like I NEVER would before. And I regret that now, because I let him take a piece of me, he clearly had no desire for because now he's acting like a jerk now. I hate being naive and I hate being stupid enough to allow dudes the benefit of the doubt. You know, sometimes you think you might have met that right one, but it always turns out fucked. Then what? How do you recover from a situation like that, because in any other situation you would have never allowed it to happen. I cant do it anymore. Im tired of messing around, and feeling like shit, and like I have done shitty things after being with men.

I need more control....I need options....I need guidance to help steer me to my real place in life.

I think about school....and i just wonder where thats going. I been out for a while now, and I see kids always talking about it....I see people I graduated with already in careers...people with children; and then, I look at myself, and I just wonder. What have I done in the same amount of time that they have...what do I have to show for the past four years of my life that actually counts fore anything. I'm working two boring, deadend, troublesome jobs that I absolutely hate. I'm not in school. Dont know when I will be back in school. I do have any outside activities that I do. I'm just here. Seems to be just living in the moments. But I think a lot. And I require a lot for myself. I think about going to the Navy...if only for the experience of something new. But the thoughts stop just there, because I know I have no real passion for the military of anything they have to offer. But the possibilities that I might have to advance myself as a person, and then as an individual is what intrigues me. You know, I want to travel and see and experience all the world. I know what's out there. But the "getting to" part is where I stumble.

I think about all the things and places and people that everyone else has seem and done and been a part of and spend time with. And Im just wondering, if I think of it so much, how can i get it. I'm just really tired of waiting around. People say you have to be proactive, a go-getter. You have to 'make it happen.' Then, what the fuck is wrong with me?? How come I am having such a troublesome time at life, and getting the things that I dream of. I'm frustrated with dreaming, and trying to make up for what I dont have. I'm just a little messed up about trying to fill voids with the wrong ingredients....it's not me. Its all just out of place. I'm out of place. Im confused about the people who im trying to let in my life, and the ones i need to let out. Everything has become a blur for me....I feel like im following something without a means....searching aimlessly...no guidance....no map....no discoveries.

Where is thing life of mine going?

I'm not sure what I need?

Or really what I want?

I just know that its missing and I want to find it.

The End.