Sunday night....I'm exhausted from over-exerting myself in preparing for three major exams and a paper that are all scheduled for that following Tuesday. Worn out, draping eyes, and scattered thoughts, I tell myself I'm going to sleep...and now. But before I do, I try to spill time, hopping on the infamous BGC to do 'God knows what.' Firstly, let me just say I'm not a fan of the site. I believe that it embodies very negative aspect of the gay life that many of us are trying to fight against...the instant sex and the fake profiles are endless. I will say that I have met about 2-3 guys who are actually very decent and I now talk with them on a regular basis. Although, I'm biased to the site---mostly because of the activity that goes on there---I find myself drawn to it probably more than I should be. But mostly, I admit that I use it in the times when I'm bored, and I feel like talking or communicating with someone. With that said...I jump on BGC right before I decide to go to sleep. I'm hit up several times (more than I care to be), mostly with guys saying "you have a pretty smile" or "wats good?" (Uh, lame....!) Anywho, finally right before I'm about to hit the logout link, I decide to check my messages once more. A guy hits me up in the area, says his "wassup," only in the next message he writes "was hopin we could just sit n talk for a lil while yo and smoke a blunt together if u smoked but if not we could just sit and talk yo...a nig just need a shoulder to lean on and shit." I thought this was odd, because I really felt that this dude was going through something, and he somewhat openly expressed his feelings to me. I felt compelled, and so I started asking him if everything was cool with him. He said yeah, but he just really needed someone to talk to, "just chill and no sex yo." He went on in his message to say that I could crash at his house for the night, and go wherever I needed to go in the morn. I can't explain my reaction, but I was really stunned. This dude, who knows nothing about me, and likewise, had just invited me into his home, said that I could spend the night in his bed, and shower in his tub when I woke." Wat! I was just taken aback by his welcome.

But anyways, we talk like 6-7 minutes more and somehow, for some reason I felt an urge to go. I don't know why, because deep within me I felt that this could be a setup. I could easy get in the car and be going to meet my death...this could be a trap into somebody's sick orgy feast...I was nervous, but I wanted to go. So, when I got up to get showered and get dressed, i just kept praying to God to please let everything be okay....don't let this dude have evil or malice in his intentions, and I prayed asking why I felt so convinced that I needed to go. Still, I felt no reservation enough to keep me at home. Fast forward 45 min. I get to the guy's house, and he comes to meet me at the door. He's like 5'7, dark skinned, nicely trimmed hair, kind of thugged-out dude, but he looks somewhat under-weight. But I don't think anything of it, I mean, everyone tells me I need to gain weight all the time. I enter his room, nothing out of the ordinary. He lived with mother and two brothers who were in the house asleep. That made me a bit nervous, mostly because he had the door wide open and once we got into conversation he was talking pretty candidly at a tone that I know anyone who was in the house could easily hear. So, we get comfortable and I'm okay with the guy. We're just talking for a while, watching tv, and I was actually glad that I had come because it had been a while since I really spent time with anyone, much less my own family. (Yes, I'm pretty lonely at this point in my life). Somewhere in the conversation, I think back to the small talk we had over BGC, and I expressed to him my concern at the time and told him that I really thought something was wrong...I said to him "I felt like you were going to kill yourself or something." His words, although very short, just spoke to me in the message and I really read something so much more into what it actually said. I can sense when someone's going through, and I just knew something was up.

So, I ask him what was going on. Initially, he hesitated and then said "nothing." I'm quiet for a moment, because I know he will say more. "I just wasn't feeling good earlier." I reply with a simple 'okay,' but I look over at him. He's lying down, embracing his pillow with it covering both his chest and face. When I look over, he's peeking at me, almost like he's reading me to see what my reaction is, or if he can trust me. Funny, but I though it was cute. He comes closer to me in the bed and says "I just got this friend...you know. You ever met anybody with HIV?" 'No, not knowingly,' I say to him. 'Why, does your friend have it or something?' "Nah," he says "Well, if you haven't, then you just did." I look at him, staring actually, and he's still peeking from his pillow, like he's asking 'what next?' The innocence in his glare and the tears forming in his eyes, causes me to cry. He goes on to say more, but I'm just still lost in his prior words "well, you just have." This guy just told me he was HIV positive and I didn't know what to say, but I knew what I felt. I think what really got to me was the fact that he was young. The fact that he had HIV wasn't the issue, and I wasn't surprised that I didn't become outraged or disgusted, like many naive people do. I know somethings about it, and either way, I'm not the type of guy who will run away from you because you have a disease, or even a minor cold. That's not cool. But I was just so lost because this young dude, kid-like almost--even though he was probably not even a year young than I--had HIV. It could have been me, I thought. I remember I use to say to myself, not too long ago, that if I ever became HIV positive I wouldn't want to live. I would kill myself before I let something like that overcome me. That was the more naive me talking, then...probably less then 2 years ago, but those were my sentiments towards HIV. I felt like it was a death sentence, and I wanted no part in it.

So, I just cried with him for like 5-10 while we talked about him living with HIV, how he contracted it, how he's dealing with it, and how he's protecting himself and others now that he's aware of his status. It surprised me, because he actually seemed really dedicated and adamant about the well-being of his partners, because like we were talking about, some dudes just don't give care about who they're messing with and if they infect them or not. There are somethings sexually he would never allow anymore, some of which i would have thought was okay, but even the slightest possibility of contraction was a concern for him. I admired him for that. He was surprised by my comfort being with him, but I actually felt very good being near him. I thanked God for allowing me to hear and understand his call to me, and I trusted myself for trusting my intuition. The night went by, we talked and laughed more, and I had made a new friend. I didn't stay to shower, but he was okay with that.

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This is where the problem comes in.. I was happy about the formentioned situation, but it was the next night that made me unhappy. Me and the guy ended up talking and texting the following day, which was Monday and he convinced me to stay again that night. So, I did. Took some food over and I thought that was that. In his messages earlier, he had hinted that he really wanted to kiss me the night before, but that he wasn't sure how comfortable I really was, given his status. I expressed to him that I would have been fine with that, and that his status had no weight on my feeling towards him. He said well maybe we could get a chance to make up for that later. A kiss, I think is no big idea. It's just a simple form of intimacy that two people express when they feel something deeper than how you feel if you gave someone a hug. It doesn't necessarily have to lead to anything more. And I assured this dude that I was celibate, and really trying to not be sexually intimate with anyone unless I was in a relationship. Disappointed he was because he mentioned that he wanted to give me head, but he respected me for telling him and respected my position. I know, I was just as stunned about the head thing, too, but I could understand it...he's a guy, and I'm a guy...we're attracted to one another...we're both horny...let's be sexual. But no, I was waiting, and he understood. I get to his house, we talk, and watch "Black Snake Moan" (interesting movie and probably the wrong one to be watching considering the circumstances). Somewhere during the movie I get really tired---probably from working my ass off with those exams, and lack of sleep---and so I turn away from the television and try to doze off. Mind you, I'm facing him now, and he's not even 7 inches away from me. He starts touching me...yes, there!...and I don't say anything, except 'what are you doing?' Somehow---gosh I don't know how---my sex ends up out of my pants and in his mouth. Ouch, now I'm ashamed. What happened to saving myself. I wanted to say no...and I thought about all the times I've criticized other men for cheating on their significant other, because they "couldn't say no." But here I was not being able to say no. I know this is cliche, but it felt so good. (I'm sorry, Self!)

Basically, my issue is that I have a problem with saying no when I'm sexually propositioned. It's the only time that I have had sex, but I can't seem to find it in myself to scream "NO!" when someone asks me for it. I just give it to them, or its kind of taken. No hesitation, no reservation. My issue is not with dude being positive, but with myself not being able to hold my ground and respect myself and my feelings towards trying to do better. My biggest fear right now, is that the time will come when someone wants to be with me in a relationship...and I end up disrespecting and dishonoring our commitment to one another by submitting myself to someone else's advances. Honestly, I would like to think I would be better than that, but it's happened before. I remember I met this fine dude when I lived in Atlanta, and the first night we messed around. Afterwards, he said to me "let's not do this again. Let's wait." But instead, everytime I went over to his house, I'd pursue him and he'd give me what I wanted. He's a man, right? I regret doing that, because I really genuinely felt something for him and it was mutual, but I didn't know how to handle not "getting it." I can't handle being intimate, without being sexual.