K...I wasn't plannin' on blogging anytime soon, cause what I wanna blog hasn't reached a climax yet, but y'all stay tuned...but tell me why the hell I'm feelin' like a 3rd grader back in elementary school by playin' this losser game Tag, that I'm already partial to...why? Hmm...well, got damnit, I'm bitter that's why!!! Sadly, I was always the social outcast in elementary and junior high school, 'cause everybody figured I gay...well, guess what kids!...you jinxed me. Yes, I love the penis, and all its glory, baby!! Anyways, here's the rules. If I tag a person that's already been tagged, deal wit it, aight : D ............

The rules of the game are:

(1) Link to the person that tagged you and post the rules on your blog...

(2) Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself...

(3) Tag 7 random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs...

(4) Let each person know that they've been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.


Random Facts About SoFaReal:

(1) I hate people, lol. I know right...what do I mean. It's what it looks like. I have a huge disliking for people in general 'cause they do stupid shit, say stupid shit, and work my nerves like nobody's business. It's really a complex situation, and there's so many aspects in explaining it...but I'm very selective about allowing people to get to know me and vice versa. I might have to explain myself at some point in this blog, but ask me later.

(2) I'm not fond of my family. You might have been able to gather this from previous post, but they're not the best of people. We just have nothing in common, and I only pretend like I like them because I'm a nice person and I have a heart. Did I just contradict myself?

(3) My friends love me, but can never get in contact with me...I hate answering the phone, so I tend to ignore you and wait for the voicemail. No voicemail, no callback. I really think it just has to do with me not liking to talk on the phone.

(4) I was once hit in the head with a flying brick, and suffered an extensive concussion. Passed out for 10min, and my brother almost went to jail...damn, it...if only I would have died. I don't like him at all.

(5) I'm usually very conservative in public, looks are somewhat cocky and standoffish, but I'm nothing close to being any of those things. I'm actually incredibly laid back, chill, and very in tune with my emotions, my mind, and the heart. I even thought about becoming a rastarafi once. But who the hell is Haile Selassie I. Ain't nobody like Jesus, chile! (I'm not usually this gay, only on Blogger). But most people find me incredibly likable.

(6) Thank God, this is number 6 'cause I don't like talking about myself. Most times I ramble and tell people irrelevant shit they never cared to know. But believe me, I won't tell you much...I tend to be private in my thoughts, and don't tell my friends, fam, or anyone how I really feel. I'm think I'm a real bastard sometimes. I have quick tongue, if you cross me wrong.

(7) I'm really naive and I tend to make very stupid, often times regretable decisions because I'm spontaneous...I'm very unpredictable and do things cause they look or sound good. Its a flaw I'm trying to fix...y'all pray for me!

(8) Oh, I'm a rule breaker...don't try to make me conform, cause I wont comply. That's why there's a number 8. I'm very much an individual and I have a hard time being receptive to advise that I know is good for me, but doesn't sound good to me.

"Homosexuality, Lesbianism, these bodily pervesions...those walls must come down. We're setting the standard...we're setting the mark for another generation. We will not tolerate what you set as normal. We will not tolerate what you say we should just make peace with. No! No! No!"

~fr. Israel & New Breed's latest album "A Deeper Level"

So you guys know that Im like going thru this huge spiritual awakening, right. Well, yeah. Gods always lived in my spirit, ive been saved for quite some time, but im really beginning to composition myself for the fullness of Gods profoundness. Anywho, i started buying all these gospel cds, not to seem like im this changed, bible-fied Christian overnight, but because i was compelled to and i felt like thats what i wanted to hear. i not gon lie, like i said im not that changed, i still get down with my Maxwell soul sessions and Leela James grooves...music is music to me, if its good...the shit is good. But what im having an issue with is the community of Christian. All i gotta say is "they make me sick." Its like the very thing you try to stray away from in society--- negativity, ostrasization, deceit, stigmas---its the same shit you fall right back into when you try to surrender yourself to something greater than you, and greater than all the
other bullshit in this world. Like nothing ever gets right...a damned if you do, a damned if you dont type situation. Im tired of everytime i turn on one of these cds theyre talking about overcoming homosexuality, lesbianism, and all this other supposed "fire pit" bound crap. You know, its this type of behavior that make those who really love God and hold sacred to their belief system, turn away and negate that which is sometimes their only space for refuge, you know what i mean. Some of these churches are like damn cults, and really aint got nothin to do with the realness and fundamentals of what being a Christian or any belief is all about. Personally im not even all about the religious aspects involved, and ive always been about principles before governance. And even though im usually able to sustain my position with God, sometimes its hard cause all you get is a consistency of people speaking out against everything that keeps you afloat...the hate they spit, the things they do really do hurt, and at times its so frustrating and confusing because you dont know where to turn, or whom or what to believe. But i am what i am, and im not ever changing something thats proves so natural to me; im not about to "fix" myself to please nobody cause when all is said and done, im still inflicted with the same wounds and circumstances i was before. Im not this way for nothing...i wouldnt feel so passionate it, if it was not mine to own. I shook the reverend of my church's hand the other day on his meet and greet after church, and it was nothing...just a shake and keep it movin. But it was his stare, almost a glare or a scowl, that really set me back. Like he was reading me, and knew something about me that the other hundrer in the congregation didnt...i felt almost naked, exposed even. It...something was just wrong on so many levels, and it didnt sit well with me. I remembered why i had left this church in the first place. But to be read and sized in God House is just a feeling i really dont appreciate and furthermore completely uncomfortale with. I feel so unwanted. So i wonder what do other bloggers feel about church, the sub society that has been created within them, and the experiences you might have had dealing with acceptance or the lack thereof?

How does one begin to composition themselves to give honor and thanks to parents who would otherwise be deemed unworthy?

I've always known that there is and always has been a struggle in the relationship that I hold with my parents. Of course, the revelation didn't come until I was old enough to truly understand more complicated concepts and the ability to analyze them; yet nonetheless the thought has always been 'why is my family not the image of the great American family I see in the magazine;' 'why is it that I only see my father and my second family only during certain holidays;' 'why does mom work two jobs and leave us kids here at home alone;' 'why is my family not a family.'

The memories of my childhood are few and far in between. I can't say that I recall my three best friends "John, Marcus, and Billy-Joe," because they didn't exist. I don't remember having a large playroom full of toys, and the latest and greatest arcade games, because it didn't exist. Neither can I say that every Christmas I woke to loads upon loads of new things to call my own and revel in joy about, with John, Marcus, and Billy-Joe, because this simply did not exist.

Don't misunderstand, though. I'm not out to make it appear that I had the most awful and disappointing childhood. And frankly, I will be the first to admit that there are plenty upon plenties of millions of grown men and teenage young boys who are locked in cold prison cells, who had much worse experiences than I. But unlike some of them, I was so lucky...rather blessed, to not be raised in a ghetto; my parents weren't led down the hard to kill path of heavy drug usage, or even thievery. I wasn't influenced by the streets and being in a gang is not where I sought refuge. Although, being raised in a single family home with three other kids, there were the typical hard times---scarcity of food, unpaid bills, food-stamp recipient, housing assistance--but it wasn't bad enough to kill me. They say the quickest way to poverty is having children out of wedlock, and my mother had four reasons to be on that waiting list for assistance, four free lunch forms to fill out, and four child support checks to collect, and prayed to God they came through 'cause God knows some of us had some deadbeat daddies. But we made it. I'm not in jail, I'm not on drugs, heroin, speed...all the above. I'm not a Blood, I'm not a Crip. I'm not in somebody's mental asylum. Despite that though, where does the real deficiency lie? Where was I really robbed as an individual? Where wasn't I nurtured?

Not only my mother, but my father---even in his absence (which was no fault of his own)---failed to shape the man I was to inevitably become. They failed me because they never made the time to spend time with me. They never really showed me the evils and goods, the trials and the triumphs of the world. They never guided me in what was acceptable and what was not. Basically, I raised myself. They sustained me in my physical being---keeping me clothed, feed, sheltered---but I made me and the world made me who I am today. When I didn't know the answers to a question, I feed my inclination for knowledge; When I was covered and shadowed by clouds of darkness & depression, sadness and shame, I sheltered my own head. And when I felt naked without a person in the world to seek cover, I clothed my own body. Everything I know and everything I have ever known is from my own experiences, or from the mouths of other people who took the time to educate and love upon little ole' me. Somebody was caring enough, had the heart enough to say "I'm going to show this child." But for the most part I've had to learn from my own mistakes, some of which I still make today.

The education I have is because I pushed myself, I motivated myself to do better and be better than my parents were. I was motivated by what not to do, rather than what to do. I have a hard time not blaming my parents for some of the shit I go through each day of my life. Sometimes I play that "what if" game, which I hate; but how do you not, when everything you aren't is because they are not and did not. I blame them for not being involved in my life---why didn't you ask me how school was, or even if I meant someone "special" at school. I blame them for my lack in talent and for making me an inactive child---why didn't you put me in baseball, football...hell, why not ballet. Maybe I could have been a great pianist, or an all-start athlete. I blame them when I can't express myself because I lack the vocabulary, or the education that I desire because they didn't feed me knowledge at home. I blame for not informing me of the weary and wayward ways of the world. Why wasn't I educated about where I came from, my ancestors, my heritage, the persecution of my people. Why didn't you give me a good sense of pride in being a black man in a white man's world. Hell, because of that I struggled with claiming ownership to who I am and from whom I come! Why didn't you...why didn't you be a real parent, a real mom, a real dad and help make me what I could have become or should have become.

You know, this is somthing that I truly thought I could conquer in a matter of days. But out of all the things in my life right now that I am slowly, but surely gaining confidence and bravery to defeat...this is the one battle that pains me more than any. Don't get me wrong...I'm not depressed, and I'm not stressed. I'm just tryng to do better for myself and for my own life, so that I may have peace, prosperity and so that it may be well with me. But this I can't forgive. And as much as it hurts me to say it, my parents failed me and cursed me; and damnit it ain't so easy to just forgive something or someone that has always hurt you. So, really, how do I let go? I want to forgive badly, but I can't close a grave that somebody is still digging?

I wish I'd never come back here
'cause the pain I left
just rang me up, said 'Wassup'
replagued my soul

Then said to me 'Welcome Back'

I wish I'd never come back here

'cause every night when I lay my body down to sleep

I rest in a river

a river of my own blood, my own sweat

but mostly my own tears

from the horrid days and dreaded nights

when you'd beat my mind, kill my spirit

and burn every dream I had

'til all was left was but a hole

I wish I'd never come back here

to relive the murder you committed to my heart

you raped my mind

assaulted my thoughts

shoved me down back to dirt

then spat me shame

never allowing me my strength to regain

I wish I'd never come back here

because I'm a coward for not blaming you

for failing me in my youth

cursing me as a man

disillusioned by the reality that I am but what I am

and whether you love me or not

God is my Man

holding me tight in every night

whispering to me those things that you refuse

I wish I'd never come back here

but here I am

standing in this room that burns my flesh

throbbing in my brain

feeling prisoner to this place I know as home

About two weeks ago, after a very long and even excruciating period, I made my first steps back into the house of the Lord. It sounds almost simplistic now, but at the time of my departure, I had made my mind up that despite the relationship that I had built with God, I would allow certain distractions...certain ailments to deter the path and even block that path, from the very presence that gives me my survival. Yes...I called myself don' fixed and punished every man that called himself a "Man of God" and every place of worship by convincing myself that because they couldn't bless me with a message that spoke to my heart and because they couldn't render relevance to my life, that I'd be damned if I gave them another red cent. No sooner than I had set myself on that high shelf, then flung my nose in the air, so did the wheels turn and I became the prince of all damned. I learned a hard lesson for my sacrifice.

You see, our God is a selfish yet spiteful God. And I truly believe that because I am a pupil of his being, and because I knew the fundamentals of his word, and because I had taken the holy sacrament of baptism, and furthermore been saved by his blood, that He punished me deeper than those who didn't know Him. I could not reasonably put together a conclusion as to why "this" person has a beautiful home, or the other a fierce sports car that made all the heads turn, or the next, meaningful love...yet I'm left with a hand full of nothing. Usually, I'm not concerned about what other people have. I'm not an envious person and I don't have a jealous bone in my body. Yet and still, it made no sense for me to carry on the word and will of the Holy Master and still not see my blessings reign.

But more importantly, what I've learned despite the misconception, is that we all don't belong to Him. Of course, He loves us all, and has room in His kingdom for every soul. But it is our choices and our reasoning that separate us from His presense. The very man that is head of that lucretive corporation and even has money enough to trash, could have very well sold his soul to darkness because he felt forsaken by He who gave him life. I feel like there in lies the problem of those persons who loose their trust in God. Many of us feel like if we go to church and read the Bible that we'll all be okay. Our expectations of God are set high and we look to Him for miracles. We want what we want, when we want, yet don't realize that for everything there is a price, whether monetary or otherwise, for that which is worldly and everything that is not. I think we not only lack to communicate with God, but too we don't gratify Him enough; we don't thank Him for just being who He is. We form the conception that He is truly an Almighty, but really read into it as he is an All-Willing. He is all willing and ready to give you the things that you want because you feel like you deserve a treat for a good deed. This was me.

I wanted so much from God and I wanted Him to be my All-in-All; yet when I really think about what I was doing to deserve so much, I realize that at that point I had accepted a place that made me not only look small, but feel it. At the time, I thought I had it all right...going to work, paying my bills, helping in the community. But it was the things that I felt wasn't so bad that God wasn't so receptive to...loosely giving myself sexually to anybody who asked, smoking that "good," and reveling in material gods. Sheryl Crow says in her song "if it makes you happy, it can't be that bad." That was one of my best mottos, and I'd tell it to anybody who couldn't figure out if something they were doing was good or bad. But Sheryl, let me tell you something, home girl. There is so much more to it than gratifying yourself. Sure it sounds good, but if Jesus was the self-indulgent man that many of us are today, we wouldn't even be the who of what we think we are.

So, now I praise. For it is a miracle that he has even given me the means to recognize and admit my wrongs. Sure I still struggle with finding myself and shaping myself into a better individual; but in due time I will fully transition into the mold He longs me to be. I still battle everyday with the people in my life, and trying to rid the ones who are no good for me. I still cry when things aren't in reach, and my life spins with no control. But those days are gone of me asking for those things which won't fulfill me. God is my fill. And if He wants me to have, I will have...but I'm not going to push. Now when I pray, I just pray for peace. Peace of mind, peace for patience, peace in love...peace for my soul. If nothing else, I want my peace. Just extend me peace, and e'thang gon' be aight.

My purpose here tonight is to basically make a personal post. But first before I do anything else, I would just like to send out my love and my appreciation to all you Bloggers who stopped in on me, and showed me soooo much love. I have never been "Wow"ed so many times in my life...and it just touched me tremendously how all of you were affected by my post. It brings me so much joy to know that I moved you in the ways you say I did, and I'm also grateful for the inspiring feedback you left. Although I was just being SoFaReal...I thank you anyhow....

...and on to the post...

I've been feelin' this for like the past two weeks, and so while in class today...my sentiments finally hit paper.

(Untitled)

You please me in bounty

Careesing me from my soles to my soul

Filling me whole with no control

Some say I'm insane to be inflamed

By such rapture that makes me weep even when I sleep

though I'm not ashamed to take blame

for the fire that has possessed my desires

Wowed by the sound

of the voice that gets me moist

in places not limited to faces

yet replaces social norms that form

and that arise to demise

the true me that only I see

You keep me when I'm weak

Pick me up when I'm stuck beneath life's muck

And even in times of those inevitable binds

Comfort you make, though never forsake

So this is thanks

A musing of my heart, not the banks

And too a formal plea for the need of the seed

which you plant and renders a pant

and for the consuming affect that starts at the nape of the neck

runs through my pecks, though its not sex.

It's the nature of the sensations

that provides me the inspiration

to announce to those I call my kin

that this pleasure is no sin

but an expression of my inner peace.