You spend several weeks getting to know someone that will be no more real to your life than santa is to the innocent, imaginable souls and then in the flip of the script, literally, they vanish. Dead. Gone, only remnant to that person who truly believed in the majesty. Maybe i am punk for this, but i call it heart....to weep, to fathom the ache of a prominent spirit. Someone who aspired, who accomplished so much, who willed their whole existence to be something positive, something meaningful.

And to see it taken hurts me. Im talking about real....these people feel so real to me & i wish i knew them. People like Dorian from I. Wrote. This. Song, the house. Mother from Three. Sides. To. Every. Story, and most recently Ty from Manhood: The. Longest. Moan. Its like i live through these character & their "fam" cause i have yet to experiece such life. I become proud of them. I feel them. And it just pains me to see them go. Whats the goal in killing off a character in a work of fiction so well produced. Like why must the climax or the pivotal point in the storyline be made from death? Thats the ultimate end, you know? But i suppose it wouldnt be so great if the climax wasnt so pivotal. Ijuswannaknow...why they gotta die? Dayne, this is one for you?

Wassup blog world. Sittin at work and just wanted to holla. Peace and One Love. <3

I really don't ask for much...I'm not expecting the moon, the stars, the sunshine, nor the rain. I don't need you to be wealthy, glamourous, or a genuis. All I ask is for the real you....a you despite what you are, what you've done, and where you've been. I need an individual none-compromising about the things they hold a deep belief and keeping for; a person of courage and honor, humiltiy and grace, spirit and humor, of willful heart and tender soul.

But looking through the experiences I've had, it looks that the less I ask, the more I get. Why is it so commonplace, that whenever you meet a new relationship prospect, he always comes with too much baggage. I'm imperfect, and if I had a choice, I'd want an imperfect man. We all have certain issues and strifes that sometimes impede the true nature of who we aspire to be. It's evitable to have those struggles in life that you cannot conquer, despite a persistent battle. Often times we need guidance, some reassurance that time is a' changin' and the sun does shine on the other side.

He was so perfect in the beginning. In fact, I had such a hopeful heart for the "us" factor, and I truly looked forward to knowing the real man, behind the illuminated character portrayed outwardly. It was a wonderful journey, both for me and for him. I'd never met anyone like him. He brightened everything within me and about me. Extracted so many emotions within, and just helped me to appreciate more the pleasures in life, simply. Often times, I come home from work, listening to the "Quiet Storm" on the radio, and it's like every song, lyrically, spoke to me. Some made me smile, others a bit misty-eyed, and a few I even weeped to, allowing my mind to be consumed with thoughts of "Mr. Man." It happened so fast, how'd I'd get so sprung on him so quickly, yet so infectiously. The things that changed about me after I met him, were and are positive changes, things that help you seize Life as it was meant to be seized.

Suddenly, things took a U-Turn South. Things were steady at first. Then, they sped up slowly, he started calling me baby out of the blue, then I remember one day he was telling me how much he had missed me in the previous days. I felt the same, then "You love me...?," he asked. This was at week 3. I brushed it off, and figured he was just so wrapped up in the moment, and it was like the next most romantic thing to say. I set him straight on how I really felt and made sure he knew exactly where I stood on "Love." It wasn't anything I played with loosely, and if was to happen, it would in due time. It was actually nice getting to know the guy completely for a change. I really enjoyed myself. Then, I think within his mind, he began to take things up several levels without consulting me first. I suppose I was naive to allow things to take off the way they did---I've paid for every date that we've ever had. It was really no big idea at first. He'd just lost his second job, meaning less income and more month at the end of the money than money at the end of the money. I understood, cause I'd been in a silimar bind before. So, it was forgiving. Then, his car had some unforseen misfortunes and he asked me for help to get it fixed. I had empathy for his situation, so I complied and gave him $100 towards his repairs.

Now two weeks later, he decides to put his other car in the shop--which mind you, is a show car----without having the proper funds to get it fixed. He just sends his car to the repair center, no really having any set plans as to how he was going to get it out. I found out yesterday that his plans actually involved me. Granted he had come to me previously about the potential of helping him fix his second car, but I'd also firmly informed him that I had other priorities, and that I could not help him. Granted I've only known this cat for like a month and a half, which is all the reason why I find the entire situation to be uncanny. Basically, he puts his car in shop, not having the means to cover the repairs, but expecting me to help him cover. If, I did that, who's going to cover me. He's so convinced, because he's seen my house once, that I'm some rich kid, who has all this money to spare. (1)No one pays my bills for me but me. (2)I live in my mother's house which she worked damn hard for (3)don't judge a person for their outward or materialistic appearances. But what is really is pissing me off about the entire situation with him, is that he's so unrelentling. I tell him 'no.' And basically he floors me until he gets a yes. Coercing me with "baby" this and "boo" that. Yeah, I'll admit that shit is real nice to hear every once in while, but don't be cruel and use it against me. I really don't want to believe he's trying to use me, cause I really feel like he cares---and this not trying to be that typical 'I'm so head over head, I'd do anything" type sprung lover. I like him, fa real. But what I think has happened, is that he's convinced himself that we're more than we really are to one another. To him, I'm more like his future husband, who he's been with for a while, and he's treating me as such. He wants me to capture his world and take care of him and look out for him, but truth is, I'm not ready for what he's wants. I always thought that I would be the one moving too fast in a relationship, but he's really doing too much for me right now.

I want to stay with him, and get to know him, and make whatever it is between us work. I just need for him to take 10 steps back. I like him, a lot. And he knows this, and I know he feels the same, even before money was introduced. But I think he's so consumed with the notion of me being his 'guiding light,' that he forgets that I still really don't know him, I'm only human, and that all I have is 'me' to look out for 'me'. If I did have his back, then who's going to have mine? Is he going to stand for me, when I have nothing? I'm tired of being nice, It's like you do one good deed in your life, and people just continue to look for more. It's so hard to do great things in people's lives, when there is no appreciation. You show appreciation not by thanks or acknowledgement, but by convincing the deed-er that what you did for them is not being taken in-vain. I'm thru being people's push-thru, punch bag. I just want it to be over.

"Believe"--Raheem Devaughn

Mr. Man wants to get his second car fixed. Hes a car enthusiast, and he wants me to pitch in and help. I feel like if we were together for a lil while longer then i might not hesistate. Mind u i just gave him 100 to fix his lart one and weve onlx known each other not even a month. Is he using me or does he see as like his future husband, and just expects me to. I dont want to feel used. But i like him a lot. Wat do i do?

This is an official test trial of blogger mobile. Hope it works! Hi to myself, by the way. I love me!

Right now, my life's pretty damn uneventful, to say the least. I've recently moved from ATL back home with Mother in the state, where everyone across the nation is convinced that everything is "Bigger." Ain't shit here big, but the bigotted minds of the unreformed people that populate this Godforsaken place. I'm tyring to make due. But shit here is really beginning to irk the fuck outta me. I'm a pleasant guy, truly. But there are things in life, that I must refrain from to keep that way. And right now, what's pissin' me off more and more each day, is a this job I have to show my face at 7am every waking morning.

I thought waiting tables was stressful. But nothing I've done so far has literally made me come home and weep....literally, I leave this place and I'm rolling in tears and all the niggas lookin' at me 'like wat the fuck is wrong with this fruit.' Granted I am an emotional wreck, but not in public. I feel like the lowest of all low when I walk into that building and compromise everything that I've worked so hard to acheive for myself mentally and emotionally. My intergrity, my intelligence, my confidence, everything about me, I must toss aside to please others people. And I'm tired. This is really one of the most wreckless things I've done in my life.

My employement outlook: Sprint Wirelss Customer Care Rep. You laugh, I know you do...but really, you don't know my troubles. When I started, I fugured, this looks to be breeze. I sit here on my ass and talk on the phone. I was wrong in the first to judge. I knew the job consisted of two things that I don't particularly have a liking to: sitting on my ass and talking on the phone. "Normal" people would look at me and be like "wat the freak is wrong with you." You get paid to do basically nothing...you're barely expending energy. Well, I don't like being worthless. But I digress.

For 10 hours/5 days a week I must sit and sit and sit and listen to disguntled customers literally bitch and bitch and bitch, and oh, did I forget to mention BITCH about everything they hate about Sprint and the "incompetent [...]you people" they hire to service their supposed "loyal"...oh, i'm sorry "valued" customers. You couldn't imagine how this wears and tears at my soul. Maybe I'm some new generation "KO," but I can't do stress, I can't take worries, I can't deal with "issues" all the fucking time. I really thought I liked people...but more and more each day, I literally am disgusted at the fact that I am one too. I don't really expect anyone to understand exactly what I'm feeling about this job, but it really hurts me. I'm a really good-hearted kind, intellect who thrives on goodness....goodness of love, goodness of life, and goodness of the people. And right now, the people are making my life a living nightmare.

I worked yesterday (Friday), and got to a point where I knew if I took one more call, I would bitch the hell out of whomever gave me face...or in this case "verbal." I knew for a fact I either would have broke down on the phone, or been extremely evil to the next "valued customer." So, I simply got up from my little cubical, like I was exiting for lunch, hit that loggout button, and dismissed myself. I took my hour-long lunch, and decided to say fuck my last 4 hours of production time. So, I call management over the break, and told her I had an accident and wouldn't be returning. Can you believe this witchy bitch had the nerve to ask me "Are you hurt..." ..."No, I'm not. But I have to stay here and handle this," I replied. "Can you really not come back to work"..................HOLD ON A HOT FUCKIN" MINUTE!!!!! BITCH I JUST TOLD YOU I HAD AN ACCIDENT ON MY FUCKIN WATCH, NOT YOURS. I KNOW GODDAMN WELL YOU JUST DIDN'T QUESTION WHETHER I WAS COMING BACK IN THAT SORRY ASS PLACE YOU CALL WORK AND FINISH YOUR PRODUCTION HOURS. YOU GOT 200 OTHER PEOPLE IN THAT BUILDING, ON TOP OF THE HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF REPs ACROSS THIS MUTHAFUCKIN WORLD, AND YOU GOT THE NERVE, BITCH ,YOU REALLY GOT THE NERVE TO ASK ME "CAN YOU REALLY NOT COME BACK." Needless to say that got me hotter than fish grease!! I almost went off and told her where she can take her measly $8.24 an hour, but I'm really not like that. I actually think before I speak....

I trying to finish this last week out, and then I'm gone. I really can't do it. I forbid to ever do Customer Service again. I will not deal with another stranger's issues. I can't, I can't, I can't. It's not for me...catering to the needs of other people who insist on being rude, disrespectful, controlling, manipulative, and demanding is not cut out for a dude like me. I have too much pride for Bullshit.

I just need to get back in school now...2months more. I hate the workforce. I just pray to God that I don't end up with a degree and career to follow that I can't make work. I'm just the type of person that when I'm not happy, it shows. I've always wanted to control it, but it doesn't work. I hate for things to make me unhappy, make me sad, and make me cry. I really do. And the only thing in this world that's keeping me smiling right now is "Mr. Man." He really makes me a happy man. He makes me smile, makes me laugh, makes me enjoy my life, like no one before him has. And, boy, do I love that. It's not even anything sexual either, he just keeps me content being near him....because he's a happy man, always smiling, always enjoying his time, his life, his world.

And so, I thank God for his presence in my life. Even if what we are in this moment does not last, I'm just thankful. Thankful because I do have something to find pleasure in, to find joy in. He truly brings me joy. And that's why I can say dispite a stressful, worrisome job, I still have MY JOY.

"Missin' You"--Mary J.

I don't know, y'all . 'Mr. Man' could be somethin' special. Like fa real, now, we are really trippin' on each other. I went on my first date ever last week, and it was real special. He's such a cutie, beautiful smile, beautiful face, niggas just beautiful. At first I wasn't really trippin on him because he wasn't callin' me. And when a nigga don't call, I feel like that's a sure sign that he don't want yo ass. So, I was like, that's cool. I had figured that maybe he was again, just a dude wantin' to get in my pants (which I gotta stop lettin' happen to me. I've already blogged about this, but like I said I already know better). Anyways, we had a real chill time at this restaurant and I really got to see a part of him, that I had no idea existed. He reminded me so much of myself, man. Like all smiles, happy, free dude. And he's really sweet to people. He kept telling me how intelligent I was, how he knew I could aspire for greatness in my life. People tell me shit like this all the time, but it's nice comin' from him because it felt real sincere. So, of course, I was cheesin' all over, which he adored. He read my palm, telling me he sees love from this really handsome dude, with a great smile...yadda yadda...I was like how you know...but it was cute. O my Gosh, he held my hand in front of all these hickish-lookin' people. I was soo nervous. I'm like nigga...we're in Texas, c'mon. But he didn't even care, which made me real happy.

I'm not tryna jinx anything, but I like him. I really missed him this last week, and I found out he missed me too. So, we chillin' again this weekend. Real excited. I'll be back with the details...

So Fa Real