So much has happened within the past couple of weeks that have turned out to be some of the most uncanny events of my life. I attended this youth service, or lock-in, at my church last week, which I for one thought was not going to be all that great. I mean, the church is off the chain, but granted most youth services are teen-like informatives, convincing youth that they need to be in God's ministry. It's very preachy and skips around to sugar coat the truth about the world. The forum was for ages 18-35, which I thought was far-fetched but I went anyways. It started with an open-mic/poetry reading which was cool and expressions and emoton ran high. I nearly shed a tear or two. Then we went into these classes devoted to help us as a youthful, christian people, open up about out feeling and concerns regarding certain areas that come up during our haunting days as young people: these included purpose in life, being single and concerns in relationships, and lastly sex. I was fine in the pupose session, thinking I was going to walk out of there with my life's purpose written in the palm of my hand, but it didn't happen that way. I pretty much figured that this sesssion, in particular wasn't helping me, personally. Somehow it all went back to the Bible and God, which it should, but at the same, it just didn't hit home for me...As I left though, I did understand that purpose is not just something that comes and knocks the wind out of you, but more a thriving, working effort, you must put forth energy to develop. It not something written on paper or even determined by an education degree you receive from university. It's more something you have to work towards. You can't stop and give up and say well it never came to me, so maybe I have no purpose. It comes as a result of you working continuously at life and making the best of what you got. You find your passion in what you do...you must indulge or involve yourself in it first before you actaully know. And I understand, I haven't necessarily been actively working towards my purpose, which is why I don't have one, or a passion. I find that I sometimes give in too easy, but mostly my problem is that I judge, or knock it before I try it. Which is obviously my flaw. Something I need to work towards. The next session was being single and relationships. This is where I started to become annoyed. I'm just sitting there in the room, and everything that the man is saying is apparently relevant, but to whom? No mot. Everything was put so eloquently and in good perspective, but it almost meant nothing to me. He spoke of marriage with women, being single and happy, and setting standards and establishing boundaries for relationships before they begin. But for the most, he seemed to be speaking directing to the ladies in the room, which was okay in the beginning, but then I noticed a change. I understand that God created man and woman in the beginning of creation....and I understand that this is the cliche way to exemplify things within the church...but, I too understand that not everyone in this world feels what the next does. In the sense of being homosexual and heterosexual, respectively. Everything from his mouth was your wife this, you your husband that, and marriage this. Why not just say mate, or partner for that matter. But when I think about it, maybe this was done on purpose. The minister who was obviously well-educated, and just may have been aware of the connotations that "partner" and "mate" brought with them, whereas in the Bible, which was undeniably his life/purpose-driven reference of choice, and what he bases all his knowledge from, states clearly that God created woman to be a man's wife. No other (I suppose was his point) shall lie in her place. The session really got to me and I felt almost attacked for feeling the things that I did. The room was filled with pro-heterosexual themes, that I for one could not relate to. I felt isclated, and the funny thing about it, was that I saw another guy in the room who was feeling the same thing, cause he kept looking over at me, as if to say, "what are WE suppose to do with this?" I'd met him earlier in the evening, and he just set off that vibe for me...you know what I'm talking about. (I think he left after that session, cause I didn't see him for the remainder of the night, and now when I think of it, this nigga was texting the entire time!!) So, I walked away from that session feeling alienated from all the people I'd been forced to make nice with earlier that evening. Awkward. Reluctanly I went on into the next session, coyly entitled "S-E-X." Lucky me. I was about to embark on an experience of Christian-crazed ethics and morals regarding sex and fornication. Although it wasn't what I expected at all, in fact everyone was very candid about their experiences and feelings towards the topic, almost to the point of pure shock, it still turned out to be one the most emotion drivin sessions of the night. The talked of saving yourself for marriage and how if you did, it would be a beautiful thing when the time comes for God to bless you with your husband or wife. How, although it wasn't okay for one to sin against God through fornication, it can still be forgiven, though not without it's consequences. See, what I did learn from this, was that fornication is the only sin you can commit against God with your body, or more, with his body. And because of this, consequences are high because you have basically sinned against thyself and violated God Himself, directly. Sad, but asssumably true. So, I ran with this, and basically became depressed about everything I've ever done, and figured my lack of blessings and the cause of all my troubles, whether mental or physical, were due to the decisions, poor decisions I might add, that I've made concerning my sexual and emotional well-being. I figured I'm suffering the repercussions of violating not only myself, but the Father, Himself. Then, once I'd grasp that, I started to fall further into sadness because of the feelings I'd had for another man. And if it was wrong was me to feel these things for another man, let alone have sexual relationship with, then it must also be wrong for me to ever think of myself as ever finding love in this world, aside from the love of God. If it was wrong for me to desire love from another man, or as they saw it---lusting, then it was obviously wrong for me to be a homosexual, and futhermore anything I'd ever thought about myself to be. I am obviously wrong and undesirable in the eyes of God. That nearly made me sick to my stomach. After that session, I became an emotional wreck, and couldn't help but to breakdown everytime I even thought of God lookin down upon me. When they announced the call to the alter, I was one of first to admit myself, for I truly felt a spirit, God's spirit move me. He told me to go, so I went. I just cried, and I cried, and I pray and cried, and boo-hooo-d and cried, and then cried some more. This light-skinned minister layed hands on me, and prayed for me to overcome whatever struggle it was that I enduring. I think he understood exactly what I was going through, because the call was specifically for those who needed deliverance from sexual impurities of such. And I was a guy, and I think he just knew. His prayer was powerful, moving, and sincere. He meant everything he said, and I thank God for him. I cried in my hands, as he left to pray for the other, and while there I just recited my own little words to God. I basically told him, I wanted no more of the homosexual things of my body, and for him to take them all ways, and make me new. I think a lot of anger and emotion just came from the feelings I get when I'm surrounded by the like of gay men. I feel disturbed, filthy, and often times unnerved in their presence...not that all of them are, but gay men, as a whole have really focused themselves into an area where all they seem to be associated with is sex, lust, pleasure, and of unworldly things that disconnects them from the reality of the world. I feel like the environment is so impure and unrealistic to the point where people hearts nearly break to see the sort waste themselves and sell their beings so short of what God intended. Just in that moment I felt overcome by it all, and I wanted nothing more to do with any of it. After my personal prayer, the minister came back over and hugged me, for what seemed like the most honest outreach of sincerity I've ever felt. Almost as if he felt my pain, and...God I can still feel it....it was Love. All in Love. No man has ever embraced me the way that man did, not even my own father, not my uncles, not my brothers, no one, no man. Sad that it takes a stranger to exude the true comrade and love men should feel for one another. That man cared. And I felt it...I felt it.

After that service I was lost for what happens next. What do I do? Start dating women? Force myself into heterosexuality, something I knew nothing about; I mean, I can't pretend to be something I'm not. I'm not straight, but how do I overcome my feelings for men, when I've lived with them since I can remember. It's all I know. I've never wanted to get in a relationshp with a woman for fear of breaking her heart and not loving her the way I needed. I'd feel like I'm depriving her of all she needs and desires as a good woman loving, what is suppose to be a good man, but secretly living a lie. I don't want that for myself. I don't wanna live a life and continue something that is unreal. But on the same token, I wanna live right by God, and from what I know, who I am, is not of his will. I've been tryna figure out what it is that keep me from receiving blessing bestowed upon me in God's will, and everytime I question myself, I always come back with an empty canvas. No answer. But now I found something. Maybe I'm holding onto something God himself has been trying to tear away from me: Homosexuality. If this is so...I worry. How will I live without all that I know. I'm not afraid to say yes to His will, but I'm more afraid to say no to what I thought was me. It's hard, because I struggle with two opposong worlds....the physically one that encourges me to be who I am and live without regret...and the spiritual which tells me this is not of me, and for that you must suffer and bear the the consequences. It's frightening. I'm lost between something I can see and feel, something tangible, and something I can only trust through faith and hope. Why must life be so difficult? To make matters worse, "he" has entered my life yet again, and I feel, rather I know something will arise from it. Lord knows I want it. But to whom will I answer "Yes?"


SoFaReal