So much has happened within the past couple of weeks that have turned out to be some of the most uncanny events of my life. I attended this youth service, or lock-in, at my church last week, which I for one thought was not going to be all that great. I mean, the church is off the chain, but granted most youth services are teen-like informatives, convincing youth that they need to be in God's ministry. It's very preachy and skips around to sugar coat the truth about the world. The forum was for ages 18-35, which I thought was far-fetched but I went anyways. It started with an open-mic/poetry reading which was cool and expressions and emoton ran high. I nearly shed a tear or two. Then we went into these classes devoted to help us as a youthful, christian people, open up about out feeling and concerns regarding certain areas that come up during our haunting days as young people: these included purpose in life, being single and concerns in relationships, and lastly sex. I was fine in the pupose session, thinking I was going to walk out of there with my life's purpose written in the palm of my hand, but it didn't happen that way. I pretty much figured that this sesssion, in particular wasn't helping me, personally. Somehow it all went back to the Bible and God, which it should, but at the same, it just didn't hit home for me...As I left though, I did understand that purpose is not just something that comes and knocks the wind out of you, but more a thriving, working effort, you must put forth energy to develop. It not something written on paper or even determined by an education degree you receive from university. It's more something you have to work towards. You can't stop and give up and say well it never came to me, so maybe I have no purpose. It comes as a result of you working continuously at life and making the best of what you got. You find your passion in what you do...you must indulge or involve yourself in it first before you actaully know. And I understand, I haven't necessarily been actively working towards my purpose, which is why I don't have one, or a passion. I find that I sometimes give in too easy, but mostly my problem is that I judge, or knock it before I try it. Which is obviously my flaw. Something I need to work towards. The next session was being single and relationships. This is where I started to become annoyed. I'm just sitting there in the room, and everything that the man is saying is apparently relevant, but to whom? No mot. Everything was put so eloquently and in good perspective, but it almost meant nothing to me. He spoke of marriage with women, being single and happy, and setting standards and establishing boundaries for relationships before they begin. But for the most, he seemed to be speaking directing to the ladies in the room, which was okay in the beginning, but then I noticed a change. I understand that God created man and woman in the beginning of creation....and I understand that this is the cliche way to exemplify things within the church...but, I too understand that not everyone in this world feels what the next does. In the sense of being homosexual and heterosexual, respectively. Everything from his mouth was your wife this, you your husband that, and marriage this. Why not just say mate, or partner for that matter. But when I think about it, maybe this was done on purpose. The minister who was obviously well-educated, and just may have been aware of the connotations that "partner" and "mate" brought with them, whereas in the Bible, which was undeniably his life/purpose-driven reference of choice, and what he bases all his knowledge from, states clearly that God created woman to be a man's wife. No other (I suppose was his point) shall lie in her place. The session really got to me and I felt almost attacked for feeling the things that I did. The room was filled with pro-heterosexual themes, that I for one could not relate to. I felt isclated, and the funny thing about it, was that I saw another guy in the room who was feeling the same thing, cause he kept looking over at me, as if to say, "what are WE suppose to do with this?" I'd met him earlier in the evening, and he just set off that vibe for me...you know what I'm talking about. (I think he left after that session, cause I didn't see him for the remainder of the night, and now when I think of it, this nigga was texting the entire time!!) So, I walked away from that session feeling alienated from all the people I'd been forced to make nice with earlier that evening. Awkward. Reluctanly I went on into the next session, coyly entitled "S-E-X." Lucky me. I was about to embark on an experience of Christian-crazed ethics and morals regarding sex and fornication. Although it wasn't what I expected at all, in fact everyone was very candid about their experiences and feelings towards the topic, almost to the point of pure shock, it still turned out to be one the most emotion drivin sessions of the night. The talked of saving yourself for marriage and how if you did, it would be a beautiful thing when the time comes for God to bless you with your husband or wife. How, although it wasn't okay for one to sin against God through fornication, it can still be forgiven, though not without it's consequences. See, what I did learn from this, was that fornication is the only sin you can commit against God with your body, or more, with his body. And because of this, consequences are high because you have basically sinned against thyself and violated God Himself, directly. Sad, but asssumably true. So, I ran with this, and basically became depressed about everything I've ever done, and figured my lack of blessings and the cause of all my troubles, whether mental or physical, were due to the decisions, poor decisions I might add, that I've made concerning my sexual and emotional well-being. I figured I'm suffering the repercussions of violating not only myself, but the Father, Himself. Then, once I'd grasp that, I started to fall further into sadness because of the feelings I'd had for another man. And if it was wrong was me to feel these things for another man, let alone have sexual relationship with, then it must also be wrong for me to ever think of myself as ever finding love in this world, aside from the love of God. If it was wrong for me to desire love from another man, or as they saw it---lusting, then it was obviously wrong for me to be a homosexual, and futhermore anything I'd ever thought about myself to be. I am obviously wrong and undesirable in the eyes of God. That nearly made me sick to my stomach. After that session, I became an emotional wreck, and couldn't help but to breakdown everytime I even thought of God lookin down upon me. When they announced the call to the alter, I was one of first to admit myself, for I truly felt a spirit, God's spirit move me. He told me to go, so I went. I just cried, and I cried, and I pray and cried, and boo-hooo-d and cried, and then cried some more. This light-skinned minister layed hands on me, and prayed for me to overcome whatever struggle it was that I enduring. I think he understood exactly what I was going through, because the call was specifically for those who needed deliverance from sexual impurities of such. And I was a guy, and I think he just knew. His prayer was powerful, moving, and sincere. He meant everything he said, and I thank God for him. I cried in my hands, as he left to pray for the other, and while there I just recited my own little words to God. I basically told him, I wanted no more of the homosexual things of my body, and for him to take them all ways, and make me new. I think a lot of anger and emotion just came from the feelings I get when I'm surrounded by the like of gay men. I feel disturbed, filthy, and often times unnerved in their presence...not that all of them are, but gay men, as a whole have really focused themselves into an area where all they seem to be associated with is sex, lust, pleasure, and of unworldly things that disconnects them from the reality of the world. I feel like the environment is so impure and unrealistic to the point where people hearts nearly break to see the sort waste themselves and sell their beings so short of what God intended. Just in that moment I felt overcome by it all, and I wanted nothing more to do with any of it. After my personal prayer, the minister came back over and hugged me, for what seemed like the most honest outreach of sincerity I've ever felt. Almost as if he felt my pain, and...God I can still feel it....it was Love. All in Love. No man has ever embraced me the way that man did, not even my own father, not my uncles, not my brothers, no one, no man. Sad that it takes a stranger to exude the true comrade and love men should feel for one another. That man cared. And I felt it...I felt it.

After that service I was lost for what happens next. What do I do? Start dating women? Force myself into heterosexuality, something I knew nothing about; I mean, I can't pretend to be something I'm not. I'm not straight, but how do I overcome my feelings for men, when I've lived with them since I can remember. It's all I know. I've never wanted to get in a relationshp with a woman for fear of breaking her heart and not loving her the way I needed. I'd feel like I'm depriving her of all she needs and desires as a good woman loving, what is suppose to be a good man, but secretly living a lie. I don't want that for myself. I don't wanna live a life and continue something that is unreal. But on the same token, I wanna live right by God, and from what I know, who I am, is not of his will. I've been tryna figure out what it is that keep me from receiving blessing bestowed upon me in God's will, and everytime I question myself, I always come back with an empty canvas. No answer. But now I found something. Maybe I'm holding onto something God himself has been trying to tear away from me: Homosexuality. If this is so...I worry. How will I live without all that I know. I'm not afraid to say yes to His will, but I'm more afraid to say no to what I thought was me. It's hard, because I struggle with two opposong worlds....the physically one that encourges me to be who I am and live without regret...and the spiritual which tells me this is not of me, and for that you must suffer and bear the the consequences. It's frightening. I'm lost between something I can see and feel, something tangible, and something I can only trust through faith and hope. Why must life be so difficult? To make matters worse, "he" has entered my life yet again, and I feel, rather I know something will arise from it. Lord knows I want it. But to whom will I answer "Yes?"


SoFaReal

So, on my way home from work tonight I had a thought....Why is so hard for people to be in love, and be real about it? Why do people fall out of love so easily. I couldn't find an direct answer, but my answer to myself was that most people in the world aren't real with themselves or their life, for that matter; and futhermore truly have no idea what the idea of love is about. I think too many people give up so easily on what they supposedly and promised to themselves was an ends to an end. Love to me is the most superior none-tangible thing in the world, and it controls who we are to ourselves and one another. I believe that when two people fall in love, instinctually they forget about themselves and begin to focus on the reality of what really matters during that time, which is exactly what's supposed to happen. Love is the most selfless act one can do. You looose all control and begin to do and say things you never thought imaginable. But somewhere in the mist of all that love, people's peripheral becomes blinded...cloudly and they loose sight of why they fell in love to begin with. They forget what the vision of love is and what it is to love. Love is a certain devotion, a dedication to someone other than yourself, whom you believe is worthy of the world and more. I say all this to make the point that some of us expect too much and perfection where there is none....us. We ourselves are too imperfect to give and give everything that our mates or potential mates expect. Some people expect everything to fall in the place they desire it to be, and have this particular vision of the way their love life should develop. We aren't accepting of our reality of imperfection and therefore lose and miss out out on one of the greatest things in the world. We all make mistakes, because we were born that way, yet and still it is our duty to make the proper decision, which is why we have reason. A lot times in relationships we just need to learn to forgive but no forget, and live yet live with a slight caution. You can't control what isn't in your control. We can't always understand why our friends and our partners do the things they do, but the least we can do is try. You never know what they are going through and what they are feeling. I believe that everything happens for an exact reason, like love. That's why we should fight at all cost, the right to keep it. It's too rare to be lettin' it go.

For those of you out there, who are still searching like myself----Don't loose hope. God hears you, he know what you're in need of, and he's gonna give it to you. If God so loves the world, he'll find a place in his own love to share love with you.

"Dandelion"--Tevin Campbell


--So Fa Real--

It's like reachin' for somthin I know you won't give
Those sharp heart-felt pangs nearing desperation
Wasting time and some tears
And tryna release myself from the aching that only I feel
My pleads and damn near begs
Meant nothing cause you still went out
And found some otha nigga against your will
I said I was sorry for what I did
Poured my heart out to you....swore my life to you
Anything you'd ask of me I probably give
I just wanted you to understand....
hurting you was never in my plan
My soul was weak, Heart even weaker
Yet I still knew and you remained....
The truth and only Man
Baby all I want is your love for me
Your heart to stay with me
And promise I'll always be down for you
You had me from hello....
And hopefully one day you'll realize
You can have me til' Goodbye.

There was this guy, or should I say man, in my life about a month. He's obviously not here for me anymore, but my feelings for him still remain. I can't explain, but in the same, the explaination seems quite obvious. Love. I was in love, and still am in love with this boy. And believe me I've tried, I've tried hard to fight what I feel for him, and convince myself of what will never be. But something fights back every time. I wanna keep faith, and I wanna keep hope of possibility...but then I know it's unhealthy for me emotionally to claim what is not mine. He's told me...."I can't be with you...." "I don't like you anymore." But in his voice I hear heart. In his voice I hear hesistation. In his voice I hear him crying. He says to me, "I feel bad for what I'm saying to you, but I really mean it." I can't pinpoint it...but I know it's love. And by no means necessary am I desperate for him...I think of him nearly everyday, and I mentally seek the possibility, but I'm not dying for him. I just know that what we had was something too deep and too thorough to just let go like we did. When I said my last "Goodbye" to him, I was saying "Baby you stiil have my heart and I need you." There was a tense pause, and then his "Bye." It was the softest, sweetest "bye" I'd ever heard from him...and I knew there was something more he wanted to say, but I had to let go. There's too much for me to go into details, but I just want him to know I ain't got nothin' but love! Nothin but....I pray he know he still has my heart, and hopefully not only he but God sees it fit for us to be what WE meant be.

This is my return...Ive been gone for a while now, but I'm back.