Hi, my name is SoFaReal. I'm 21 years old....and I'm drowning in debt!

This is the reality that I have come to realize is my life, despite the self-encouragement and dutiful prayer.

Within the past 2 days I have been more shocked by my financial debt more than I have at any other time in my life....and I cannot begin to tell you how hopeless my life seems right now. I never knew that something so petty as money, could become such a powerful tool on the detriment of someone's life. I am so frustrated and so angered and so incredibly pained by this reality that I can do nothing...nothing at all, except cry out and give in. I want to so bad, God knows I just wanna died right now, and leave this forsaken world that has treated me so unkind.

I want to be here, God knows I do! I want to finish school, I want to pay my debts, I want to help people...I want to live. But it's everytime, everytime, Lord Jesus, that I get things right or things begin to look up for me, there's always something greater, something more frightening than before, that comes and knocks me back into my horrible truth.

Roughly, I think I'm about $45, 000 in debt. Most if not all of it is student debt, which I'm still defending is not my fault. Mind you, though, I'm still an undergrad with 2 and a half years left to finish. But I came to the conclusion today, that it just might be in my best interest if I don't go back to school for a while, at least not full-time, and at least not until I have some of this debt worked out. The one thing that scares me about a decision as such, is that I'll fail to finish what I promised to myself I would---and that's my college degree. Not only am I riding my own ass to finish, but both sides of my family are watching me...almost literally, depending on me to be a success. I've never let that dependence affect my progress or allow it to stress me; but the funny thing about it, is that while they're rooting me on...not a single one of them knows how troublesome it has been for me to even see the ceilings of a University. Not many know that I've been out of school for nearly two years, got back in school just this semester only to find out that its about to be all over, in the scratch of a pen.

From the outside looking in, I look SO perfect! I look intelligent, composed, focused, determined, virtuous, compelling, noble, just, strong, power, and blessed without stress. Somehow or another I've always maintained that position, and no one has ever questioned otherwise. I find that so hard to believe too...why do I portray such the perfect imagine, yet don't produce or reap the benefits of my self-image. No one knows my struggle unless I tell them, and for the most part, I never tell my life. Even with my best friends, I avoid talking about myself and my own life, and when I do it's very general and I come off like I got my shit together and aint nothing wrong. But on the inside, I'm a shame. A crying shame, and nothing close to what they people expect me to be. And that makes me so sad.

I've always had the outlook of an optimist. Never been shaken by negative, shadowing thoughts of disappointment. My mentality has always been 'thinking positive things, and positive things shall flow.' But is my concept of what is real and what is non-existent really hindering my prosperity, my life. Out of mind, out of sight...is how I look at a lot of thing--things I can't control, things that hurt, things that are opposite of what I aim to get.

I'm really finding it harder and harder to get by. I swear to you, before today, everything seemed great. All the pain and strife that I had really looked like a thing of the past. I was feeling mighty bad before I began this post. But writing it, helped raise many things I need to think about. I can't go around feeling moody, feeling broke down from life. "This too shall past," keeps me going in a lot of the things I go through. And I know I'm only 21, but 21 year olds have their problems too. No one is invincible from reality and the affects of life. You know, this is my reality. And whether I choose to avoid it or not, is all up to me. But knowing me...Imma make it work for me. Everybody can't have the same life, the same pain, or the same triumphs. What dont kill me makes me stronger, and Lord knows I'm still here. Just cause I'm dealing with my pain, don't make it go away. My head is just as heavy as it was before I start writing...but I tell you what...I feel good. I may not look good (but I aint even gon' try myself like that, lol), but deep inside of me, I know that this ain't nothing but one more river to cross. Hell, I been through oceans and streams, to hell and through high water(I'm so on these analogies tonight), and I'm still here. I'm gon' make it.

I got a new job, and I'm gon' be alright. I mean, hey, really...what's $45, 000, lol? What's another year off from school when I've already been off for 2....the opportunity hasn't changed. As long as it's in God's will...as long as He said I can have it, it shall and it will come to past. Hallelujah!

"No Strength, No Joy"---Voices of Citadel