The best things in my life are those that i tend to stray away from. No matter how small or great the reward is, I escape the opportunity for challenge everytime. It seems that I expect those gifts not to bring challenge. I prefer to have them work out for me than the other way around, and for this reason, I lack the blessings both to and for life...
It's funny. I describe it as--"the world treating me unkindly" or "struggling from this world I'm thrown." You see, basically, I figure that the key factor to me determining why I currently have so many issues, so much pain, is to look at where I've been (literally), how I've affected it, and who I've been with. It's so hard for me to see the reality that stares me dead in the eyes. But I can't look back. I can't stand the glare of disappointment and disapproval that I would receive, cause I know I've failed. I've brought misery to every positive outlook, good influence, and every desirable deed that I was given. Not worked for...but given. 'Cause it's like when I'm given it, I can't find the means to appreciate it. I can't disciple the differences of something naturally presented to me and from something I create the means to achieve.
My thing is that I am only affected by the surface. I see only what something is literally made of, and not what it is made from. Because if I really took the time to be affected by meaning and by essence, then I wouldn't have the issues that i am having. But I'm weak. I'm incompetent. I'm I'm deterred by reality. I'm so unaffected by any and everything that I dont want to see, don't want to hear, or don't want to feel because I'm fearful that I'll kill everything inside of the emptiness I've already created within myself.
I'm deeply saddened that it took something so monstrous to make me see myself from an outward view looking in. And I'm angry. Im angered at the fact that I have not only poisoned myself, but I've poisoned the relationships that I have with other people and the things that have come into my life. How can I be trusted, how can any person be moved by anything that comes from me when I'm so freaking blind and oblivious.
Let's be so honest...I'm sitting here talking in circle and in rhymes...but I can't be honest with myself. Let's do air some dirty laundry, if you will. My acceptance at the University of Kansas more than 3 years ago was an ultimate opportunity for the change that I deeply longed for. So, I left Texas. I met good people, had joyous times, and made lasting memories. Was I grateful for it? You answer..I'm not there now and haven't been since freshamn year ended 2 and a half years ago. You wanna know the real reason I left...the reason not sugar-coated to suit the approval of other people? It sure as hell wasn't financial reasons and it wasn't because Lawrecne is a small ass, boring ass little town, which I deceived not only others to believe...but hell, I was convinced this was the reason for a while too. The real reason, and the reason that made it all happen was that there were too many white people. There you have it...sounds shady as hell. But I've admitted it for the first time in 3 years that I am a closeted racist who smiles in your face, talk you up, but a real son-of-a-bitch 'cause I'm not affected by your humanistic qualities, cause in my mind I've already ruled you unworthy and insufficient because you're not dark like me.
How I came to this point sometimes is beyond me. White people have always been a friend of mine, and my disposition in race is something fairly new to me. But ever since my first year in college when I learned about the real prejudices of the world and of this country, I sometimes am to the point where if you're not black or dark then don't touch me. See, there's one of two ways that a person can learn to deal with racism, segregation, and other injustices amongst their own race--positively and use that plight of hate as a platform for good social and racial reform amonst the mainstream. Or negatively, like I ashamably have and allow things like stereotypes to affect you personally and begin to denigrate the intergrity and humility of other races. That's basically what has happened to me, as a result of finding my own ethnic identity. I'm not proud of it, but I'm also not ashamed to admitting my faults.
Example two of how I've horribly disgraced my life...Hasaan...Few words---> the...best...thing...that...has...ever...happned...to...me! Plainly said, but not so plainly played out. This dude has showered me with nothing short of infectious love. He praises me, he wooes me, he encourages me, he challenges me, he motivates me, he comforts me, he contents me. It's no question that he loves me probably more than he's loved anyone or anything. He could probably never admit his devotion but I sense it, and I know it's real. I can almost touch it. But when we were together, I didn't know how to handle it. I couldn' accept the fact that someone could adore me with such depth, and that brought so much mystery. He sacrificed so much to be with me, so much to make what we had meaninful, to make it last. Hold up...make it last?Is that even in the "Lifestyle Handbook?" Gay relationships don't sustain anything past an infactuation misguided as love and several great fucks. That's real. So, when I figured he was about real shit, I couldn't deal. I was so accustomed to "boy meets boy; boy bats his eyes at the other boy; then boy fucks boy in other boy's bed," that I devauled the importance of substance. I didn't know how to be in a relationship...all the niggas I'd been with only wanted one thing from me...sex...and so I accepted it as my reality...I had convinced myself that nothing meaningful happens when you're young. Everything was so screwed up between us. I mean, he's always always been under the impression that it was his fault that we failed as a union. But the truth is that I failed him as a lover, as a partner. Unconsciously or subconsciously, I made him what all the other niggas made me...a fuck. I made him my fuck. He became that simple ass nigga that I had so routinely summoned up in the past, during that lonely period of the month where I felt vulnerable, incomplete, and desperate for sexual intimacy. I began to say things that would turn him off from me, to the point where it became normal for us to just fuck, be fucked, and sleep. That's what I wanted from him, and that's what he offered.
And so we got bored with one another, started this consistency of arguments, name calling, and mutual disconnections. I didn't touch him, he didn't touch me. Needless to say, we parted ways, became just friends, then no friends at all, friends again, back to no friends, to friends longing for love...secretely in one another, but both of us being too ashamed to confess for fear of being shattered all over again. I lost him, but now I can't dodge my longing for him all over again. How do you let someone go who loved you so much. Would give you any and everything you desired? Selfish.
I've learned so little from the experiences brought to teach me a lesson. Instead, I favored naivety and disguise to mask me from the things that I feared the most. maturity, aversion of the things I fear won't make me happy, separation of myself from reality, only to live in this perfect illusion I've concocted in my wee little brain. All of this has made me a very selfish person, brought nothing but clouds & heavy rain. I've made a fool of me and disappointed myself. Until I can establish a conception of discipline, acknowledge truth in my own world, and position my life around it, I'll continue to see those same dreary days in this mighty bright land...I need to do some serious soul searchin'...
