At what point in your life, do you determine and learn to determine what is and what is not proper. I have so many varying and conflicting dimensions of my personality that just consistenly oppose one another, and I'm at a place right now where I can no longer figure out what's better for me. Mostly, I'm speaking in regards to my relations with other people. For me, relationships aren't an important aspect of my life right now. Honestly, I have not the desire, not the patience, nor the time it takes to make something so consuming work. To date, I've been in one relationship, with on guy, and honestly I will say that it wasn't the best. So, in some sense I am biased when in comes to being tied down. I'm not looking to be committed to anything or anyone that's going to try and stop me from achieving whatever it is that I need and want for my life. Too many times, I've seen in my friends relations, that you get locked. You become so wrapped up and consumed with pleasing the other person, and trying to "complete" them that you loose yourself in the mix. And that's not cool with me. I've always held that I'm an individual first, and everything else last. I'm tryna live my life for me, 'cause I'm all I got. If the relationship goes sour, who's going to look after me then. So, depending on others to fulfill me and complete me, is completely out of the question. I think because I've spent so much time by myself, I've learned a lot, and I've figured out just from watching other people, what it is that I do and don't want from other people. That's why, despite whatever the terms or grounds that a relationship is set, I keep a security barrier on. No matter whom it is....I keep myself protected. I'm not coming out looking like a fool because I allowed someone else to control and manipulate me, then leave me to sulk in my OWN despair, that I brought on my 'OWNSELF.' It's ridiculous to me. But I digress....

The real issue that I'm having is trying to choose between what I know and I feel within is right when it comes to intimacy, sex, and relationships, and a combination of what I want/I need/and what I strong-heartedly desire. As, I stated before. I'm not looking to be in a relationship right now. I'm 21 year old. I have an entire life left to devote to that when the moment so presents itself. I don't see any hurry, and furthermore I haven't seen the potential. Not everybody are you meant to be with, right? But that's just my problem. Okay, being gay, many a times an opportunity presents itself where a guy is interested in you. It happens to me all the time. And I'm okay with that. But it seems that because it happens so often, I feel a little more promiscuous every time. I've only been with like 6 or 7 people. To some that's not a lot. And when I really think about it, it really isn't. But 6 out of those 6 or 7 times, the relationship has been strickly.....dickly, I suppose you can say. It wasn't a relationship, and I was obviously okay with that, otherwise I wouldn't have gone through with it all. That's fine. And the one time that it was something more, I dreaded nearly everyday of it. Hence, the reason why I'm Semi-Anti Relationships. The reason I don't feel so bad about being with 6 guys in like a year and a half, is because (1) I wasn't looking for anything (2) With each guy I had more than a few occasions (no one-night-stands). But the thing now, that I can't seem to fathom, is 'do I come off as being easy?' Why out of the 6 or 7, 6 were completely sexual and/or intimate. I mean, with a few of them, there was the potential for something more, but I wasn't really interested in pursuing anything. I mean, do I have the face or the persona that says 'I make an incredible fuck?' I mean, I'm not disputing that I don't, I'm just saying, is that what guys perceive of me. Do I come off as more objective to other guys. I don't wear provocative clothing of any sort; as a matter of fact, I would say that I look more like the "relationship guy." The guy who never fucks around, is always faithful, and loves his man. That's how I would describe my outter appearance. Maybe I'm reading a bit too deeply, but every guy I've been with seems like completely obsessed with my sexiness. Not to come as conceited, but these are their words.

So now, I've met a dude. A dude that I so far, can see potential in. He's incredibly sexy, has an very chill, laid back personality, much like me, and that's what I like about him. The other major thing that I love about him is that he's mature. I mean, a lot more mature. I was surprised when he told me, cause I just couldn't see it. But he's 30, and I'm 21. But I swear to you, he looks 24. He takes very good care of his body, and the thing about it is, that he pursured me. Like I didn't even notice this dude at first. Then he just picked up a random convo. about my glasses, which was really odd, so I brushed it off. But he was persistent. Which I admired. I've only know him for not even a week. But I see potential. I wanna know where this can lead, not saying a relationship, per se. I just wanna know where it leads. I know that takes time, but the issue is that I think I might have fucked that chance up. The day after I met him, we got intimate....in a car. My first....it was very unusual for me. I'm afraid that that incident, might have screw the chance of him looking at me, and vice versa, differently. Is it because we got intimate (nothing serious) the day after we met, that the grounds and terms for what to expect, is already set? Or could it be that, we were just two sexually and intimately frustrated dudes, that were extremely attracted to one another, that got down because we were weak. I just don't want him to think that I'm easy or that we can't see where things lead. That's what I wanna know--where it all leads. I could probably deal with us being 'strictly dickly,' but it's not really what I want from him right now. I feel connection with him, and it could just be the fact that he's older, that I expect him to be more mature and not want something just strictly intimate. So, my question is how do I let him know that I want to get to know him, without coming off as being desperate or going to fast in too little time?? It seems that I'm looking for substance, you know. It doesn't even have to be relationship status, I just don't want anymore SEX ONLY status. I suppose I've matured some. Cause a year ago, I didn't mind just sex. But now, it's something new. I want sex, but I want there to be something behind it. I just don't want things to move too fast and I don't wanna fuck up "potential." So, how do I do it?? I'm tryna let this dude know I like him. Just not only for sex....


"Part-Time Lover"---H-Town

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