About two weeks ago, after a very long and even excruciating period, I made my first steps back into the house of the Lord. It sounds almost simplistic now, but at the time of my departure, I had made my mind up that despite the relationship that I had built with God, I would allow certain distractions...certain ailments to deter the path and even block that path, from the very presence that gives me my survival. Yes...I called myself don' fixed and punished every man that called himself a "Man of God" and every place of worship by convincing myself that because they couldn't bless me with a message that spoke to my heart and because they couldn't render relevance to my life, that I'd be damned if I gave them another red cent. No sooner than I had set myself on that high shelf, then flung my nose in the air, so did the wheels turn and I became the prince of all damned. I learned a hard lesson for my sacrifice.

You see, our God is a selfish yet spiteful God. And I truly believe that because I am a pupil of his being, and because I knew the fundamentals of his word, and because I had taken the holy sacrament of baptism, and furthermore been saved by his blood, that He punished me deeper than those who didn't know Him. I could not reasonably put together a conclusion as to why "this" person has a beautiful home, or the other a fierce sports car that made all the heads turn, or the next, meaningful love...yet I'm left with a hand full of nothing. Usually, I'm not concerned about what other people have. I'm not an envious person and I don't have a jealous bone in my body. Yet and still, it made no sense for me to carry on the word and will of the Holy Master and still not see my blessings reign.

But more importantly, what I've learned despite the misconception, is that we all don't belong to Him. Of course, He loves us all, and has room in His kingdom for every soul. But it is our choices and our reasoning that separate us from His presense. The very man that is head of that lucretive corporation and even has money enough to trash, could have very well sold his soul to darkness because he felt forsaken by He who gave him life. I feel like there in lies the problem of those persons who loose their trust in God. Many of us feel like if we go to church and read the Bible that we'll all be okay. Our expectations of God are set high and we look to Him for miracles. We want what we want, when we want, yet don't realize that for everything there is a price, whether monetary or otherwise, for that which is worldly and everything that is not. I think we not only lack to communicate with God, but too we don't gratify Him enough; we don't thank Him for just being who He is. We form the conception that He is truly an Almighty, but really read into it as he is an All-Willing. He is all willing and ready to give you the things that you want because you feel like you deserve a treat for a good deed. This was me.

I wanted so much from God and I wanted Him to be my All-in-All; yet when I really think about what I was doing to deserve so much, I realize that at that point I had accepted a place that made me not only look small, but feel it. At the time, I thought I had it all right...going to work, paying my bills, helping in the community. But it was the things that I felt wasn't so bad that God wasn't so receptive to...loosely giving myself sexually to anybody who asked, smoking that "good," and reveling in material gods. Sheryl Crow says in her song "if it makes you happy, it can't be that bad." That was one of my best mottos, and I'd tell it to anybody who couldn't figure out if something they were doing was good or bad. But Sheryl, let me tell you something, home girl. There is so much more to it than gratifying yourself. Sure it sounds good, but if Jesus was the self-indulgent man that many of us are today, we wouldn't even be the who of what we think we are.

So, now I praise. For it is a miracle that he has even given me the means to recognize and admit my wrongs. Sure I still struggle with finding myself and shaping myself into a better individual; but in due time I will fully transition into the mold He longs me to be. I still battle everyday with the people in my life, and trying to rid the ones who are no good for me. I still cry when things aren't in reach, and my life spins with no control. But those days are gone of me asking for those things which won't fulfill me. God is my fill. And if He wants me to have, I will have...but I'm not going to push. Now when I pray, I just pray for peace. Peace of mind, peace for patience, peace in love...peace for my soul. If nothing else, I want my peace. Just extend me peace, and e'thang gon' be aight.

My purpose here tonight is to basically make a personal post. But first before I do anything else, I would just like to send out my love and my appreciation to all you Bloggers who stopped in on me, and showed me soooo much love. I have never been "Wow"ed so many times in my life...and it just touched me tremendously how all of you were affected by my post. It brings me so much joy to know that I moved you in the ways you say I did, and I'm also grateful for the inspiring feedback you left. Although I was just being SoFaReal...I thank you anyhow....

...and on to the post...

I've been feelin' this for like the past two weeks, and so while in class today...my sentiments finally hit paper.

(Untitled)

You please me in bounty

Careesing me from my soles to my soul

Filling me whole with no control

Some say I'm insane to be inflamed

By such rapture that makes me weep even when I sleep

though I'm not ashamed to take blame

for the fire that has possessed my desires

Wowed by the sound

of the voice that gets me moist

in places not limited to faces

yet replaces social norms that form

and that arise to demise

the true me that only I see

You keep me when I'm weak

Pick me up when I'm stuck beneath life's muck

And even in times of those inevitable binds

Comfort you make, though never forsake

So this is thanks

A musing of my heart, not the banks

And too a formal plea for the need of the seed

which you plant and renders a pant

and for the consuming affect that starts at the nape of the neck

runs through my pecks, though its not sex.

It's the nature of the sensations

that provides me the inspiration

to announce to those I call my kin

that this pleasure is no sin

but an expression of my inner peace.

I really don't ask for much...I'm not expecting the moon, the stars, the sunshine, nor the rain. I don't need you to be wealthy, glamourous, or a genuis. All I ask is for the real you....a you despite what you are, what you've done, and where you've been. I need an individual none-compromising about the things they hold a deep belief and keeping for; a person of courage and honor, humiltiy and grace, spirit and humor, of willful heart and tender soul.

But looking through the experiences I've had, it looks that the less I ask, the more I get. Why is it so commonplace, that whenever you meet a new relationship prospect, he always comes with too much baggage. I'm imperfect, and if I had a choice, I'd want an imperfect man. We all have certain issues and strifes that sometimes impede the true nature of who we aspire to be. It's evitable to have those struggles in life that you cannot conquer, despite a persistent battle. Often times we need guidance, some reassurance that time is a' changin' and the sun does shine on the other side.

He was so perfect in the beginning. In fact, I had such a hopeful heart for the "us" factor, and I truly looked forward to knowing the real man, behind the illuminated character portrayed outwardly. It was a wonderful journey, both for me and for him. I'd never met anyone like him. He brightened everything within me and about me. Extracted so many emotions within, and just helped me to appreciate more the pleasures in life, simply. Often times, I come home from work, listening to the "Quiet Storm" on the radio, and it's like every song, lyrically, spoke to me. Some made me smile, others a bit misty-eyed, and a few I even weeped to, allowing my mind to be consumed with thoughts of "Mr. Man." It happened so fast, how'd I'd get so sprung on him so quickly, yet so infectiously. The things that changed about me after I met him, were and are positive changes, things that help you seize Life as it was meant to be seized.

Suddenly, things took a U-Turn South. Things were steady at first. Then, they sped up slowly, he started calling me baby out of the blue, then I remember one day he was telling me how much he had missed me in the previous days. I felt the same, then "You love me...?," he asked. This was at week 3. I brushed it off, and figured he was just so wrapped up in the moment, and it was like the next most romantic thing to say. I set him straight on how I really felt and made sure he knew exactly where I stood on "Love." It wasn't anything I played with loosely, and if was to happen, it would in due time. It was actually nice getting to know the guy completely for a change. I really enjoyed myself. Then, I think within his mind, he began to take things up several levels without consulting me first. I suppose I was naive to allow things to take off the way they did---I've paid for every date that we've ever had. It was really no big idea at first. He'd just lost his second job, meaning less income and more month at the end of the money than money at the end of the money. I understood, cause I'd been in a silimar bind before. So, it was forgiving. Then, his car had some unforseen misfortunes and he asked me for help to get it fixed. I had empathy for his situation, so I complied and gave him $100 towards his repairs.

Now two weeks later, he decides to put his other car in the shop--which mind you, is a show car----without having the proper funds to get it fixed. He just sends his car to the repair center, no really having any set plans as to how he was going to get it out. I found out yesterday that his plans actually involved me. Granted he had come to me previously about the potential of helping him fix his second car, but I'd also firmly informed him that I had other priorities, and that I could not help him. Granted I've only known this cat for like a month and a half, which is all the reason why I find the entire situation to be uncanny. Basically, he puts his car in shop, not having the means to cover the repairs, but expecting me to help him cover. If, I did that, who's going to cover me. He's so convinced, because he's seen my house once, that I'm some rich kid, who has all this money to spare. (1)No one pays my bills for me but me. (2)I live in my mother's house which she worked damn hard for (3)don't judge a person for their outward or materialistic appearances. But what is really is pissing me off about the entire situation with him, is that he's so unrelentling. I tell him 'no.' And basically he floors me until he gets a yes. Coercing me with "baby" this and "boo" that. Yeah, I'll admit that shit is real nice to hear every once in while, but don't be cruel and use it against me. I really don't want to believe he's trying to use me, cause I really feel like he cares---and this not trying to be that typical 'I'm so head over head, I'd do anything" type sprung lover. I like him, fa real. But what I think has happened, is that he's convinced himself that we're more than we really are to one another. To him, I'm more like his future husband, who he's been with for a while, and he's treating me as such. He wants me to capture his world and take care of him and look out for him, but truth is, I'm not ready for what he's wants. I always thought that I would be the one moving too fast in a relationship, but he's really doing too much for me right now.

I want to stay with him, and get to know him, and make whatever it is between us work. I just need for him to take 10 steps back. I like him, a lot. And he knows this, and I know he feels the same, even before money was introduced. But I think he's so consumed with the notion of me being his 'guiding light,' that he forgets that I still really don't know him, I'm only human, and that all I have is 'me' to look out for 'me'. If I did have his back, then who's going to have mine? Is he going to stand for me, when I have nothing? I'm tired of being nice, It's like you do one good deed in your life, and people just continue to look for more. It's so hard to do great things in people's lives, when there is no appreciation. You show appreciation not by thanks or acknowledgement, but by convincing the deed-er that what you did for them is not being taken in-vain. I'm thru being people's push-thru, punch bag. I just want it to be over.

"Believe"--Raheem Devaughn

I don't know, y'all . 'Mr. Man' could be somethin' special. Like fa real, now, we are really trippin' on each other. I went on my first date ever last week, and it was real special. He's such a cutie, beautiful smile, beautiful face, niggas just beautiful. At first I wasn't really trippin on him because he wasn't callin' me. And when a nigga don't call, I feel like that's a sure sign that he don't want yo ass. So, I was like, that's cool. I had figured that maybe he was again, just a dude wantin' to get in my pants (which I gotta stop lettin' happen to me. I've already blogged about this, but like I said I already know better). Anyways, we had a real chill time at this restaurant and I really got to see a part of him, that I had no idea existed. He reminded me so much of myself, man. Like all smiles, happy, free dude. And he's really sweet to people. He kept telling me how intelligent I was, how he knew I could aspire for greatness in my life. People tell me shit like this all the time, but it's nice comin' from him because it felt real sincere. So, of course, I was cheesin' all over, which he adored. He read my palm, telling me he sees love from this really handsome dude, with a great smile...yadda yadda...I was like how you know...but it was cute. O my Gosh, he held my hand in front of all these hickish-lookin' people. I was soo nervous. I'm like nigga...we're in Texas, c'mon. But he didn't even care, which made me real happy.

I'm not tryna jinx anything, but I like him. I really missed him this last week, and I found out he missed me too. So, we chillin' again this weekend. Real excited. I'll be back with the details...

So Fa Real