Tragedy strikes....

I found out last night after a tedious day of work, that my grandmother had passed. Initially I was shocked...devastated...in denial. Ifigured that I was invincible when it came to death knocking on my door. In all my 21 years of living, I've never really experienced death so close to home. Hard to believe, seeing as though folks are leaving this place as quickly as they come.

The news came 3 days overdue. I have been without cell for about week (the damn thing finally gave up on me and stopped operating, after I dropped it on the hard contrete for the ump-teenth time). I was in the car with my mother, she'd been having a casual convo with whom I thought was my aunt in Florida, but turned out to be my favorite cousin in Louisiana, when she handed the phone over to me "here, your cousin wants to speak to you." I sais hello, and the first she says is "you know your grandmother died?" No! I didn't believe her because, although she my favorite cousin, she has a thing for lying to seek attention--an ongoing personality damper she's had since I could remember.

It was sad news to hear, believe me, and I wish it weren't true. But what pains me most is not the fact that she's gone. I'm at peace with her exit, for she had suffered long and hard with Ovarian cancer that had finally spread, and was told there was nothing more to be done. I was told she fought to end like real trooper and warrior I knew her to be all her life. But what hurts me more than anything is that I feel like I didn't know her as well as I should have. My relationship with my father's side of the family has always been nothing short of being short. I was always the one they always inquired about....'where is your son, T,' they's ask my father. He'd say I was in this state or this state, cause of my mother's constant travels, and the travels of my own I inheritted from my mother once on my own. I'd told myself that once I was old enough, I would try to get to know the Lewis' a little better. I always somewhat blamed my mother for always keeping me so distanced from them....but once I was old enough, it became my responsibility....one that I never fulfilled.

Now, my grandmother is gone. Weeks before her death, I'd had a dream that she's died...not knowing then that she had been battling Ovarian Cancer, I called my dad and told him. He told me about the situation and encouraged me to call her. But I "never got around to it." Really I have no excuse for not calling....I had her number...even though I live in Texas now, my mother has always kept a directory for NE Louisiana in the house, and I knew where to find it. And I feel incredibly guilty and selfish because me not calling her is something I have a habit of doing with a lot of people in my life. I have a tendency to sever perfectly great relationship with people that have come into my life. I cut people, dont call, no email, no nothing. Why? I dont know. People who I know love me, and would love to be in my life....I'm selfish for thinking of other people and ruining the ties between myself and people God has put into my life for a reason, no a season. I have a hard time differentiating the two, and it makes me hate myself so much when I don't realize how important relationships with people really are. That's why I'm so incredibly lonely in my life, that's why I don't have a life---cause I push people out.

My whole life, I've been somewhat a loner. Not by nature, but by choice. I dont know if its because I'm afraid of being hurt by someone, or what. But I think I have come too comfortable in that lonliness, that its beginning to hurt me and will continue to hurt me evenmore in the longer span of things---I need to realize that I need people. I always, always say: "I dont need nobody but Jesus and my mama." And I know damn when that's not a good motto. But I say it, and I believe it, and its selfish, and it hurts.

Now because I was selfish, I'm only left with memories of the many time I did see my grandmother. I think the last time was when I had come back from Atlanta my first year at Oglethorpe, maybe almost 2 years ago. She was happy to see me, and i her. Such power and humorous woman. I wish I could have known her. I know she didn't put up with no mess, and was one of those no-holds-barred women. The mouth of a sailor, boy, she was a riot, lol. I miss her. I really do. The one thing great that could from this, is that I will get to be with my family. The family I've never really known, and it will give me the opportunity to make amends when needed, and secure long-lasting relationships to those that are dear.

I need to wake up, though. Times a'changin' and I'm gon' need somebody one day. I use to hate when my mother told me that-- 'you gon' need somebody one day.' I didn't wanna believe her, and even though I hate to admit when she's right....I'm sure she is.

May God rest her soul untrouble. We love you "Jo."

You spend several weeks getting to know someone that will be no more real to your life than santa is to the innocent, imaginable souls and then in the flip of the script, literally, they vanish. Dead. Gone, only remnant to that person who truly believed in the majesty. Maybe i am punk for this, but i call it heart....to weep, to fathom the ache of a prominent spirit. Someone who aspired, who accomplished so much, who willed their whole existence to be something positive, something meaningful.

And to see it taken hurts me. Im talking about real....these people feel so real to me & i wish i knew them. People like Dorian from I. Wrote. This. Song, the house. Mother from Three. Sides. To. Every. Story, and most recently Ty from Manhood: The. Longest. Moan. Its like i live through these character & their "fam" cause i have yet to experiece such life. I become proud of them. I feel them. And it just pains me to see them go. Whats the goal in killing off a character in a work of fiction so well produced. Like why must the climax or the pivotal point in the storyline be made from death? Thats the ultimate end, you know? But i suppose it wouldnt be so great if the climax wasnt so pivotal. Ijuswannaknow...why they gotta die? Dayne, this is one for you?

Wassup blog world. Sittin at work and just wanted to holla. Peace and One Love. <3

I really don't ask for much...I'm not expecting the moon, the stars, the sunshine, nor the rain. I don't need you to be wealthy, glamourous, or a genuis. All I ask is for the real you....a you despite what you are, what you've done, and where you've been. I need an individual none-compromising about the things they hold a deep belief and keeping for; a person of courage and honor, humiltiy and grace, spirit and humor, of willful heart and tender soul.

But looking through the experiences I've had, it looks that the less I ask, the more I get. Why is it so commonplace, that whenever you meet a new relationship prospect, he always comes with too much baggage. I'm imperfect, and if I had a choice, I'd want an imperfect man. We all have certain issues and strifes that sometimes impede the true nature of who we aspire to be. It's evitable to have those struggles in life that you cannot conquer, despite a persistent battle. Often times we need guidance, some reassurance that time is a' changin' and the sun does shine on the other side.

He was so perfect in the beginning. In fact, I had such a hopeful heart for the "us" factor, and I truly looked forward to knowing the real man, behind the illuminated character portrayed outwardly. It was a wonderful journey, both for me and for him. I'd never met anyone like him. He brightened everything within me and about me. Extracted so many emotions within, and just helped me to appreciate more the pleasures in life, simply. Often times, I come home from work, listening to the "Quiet Storm" on the radio, and it's like every song, lyrically, spoke to me. Some made me smile, others a bit misty-eyed, and a few I even weeped to, allowing my mind to be consumed with thoughts of "Mr. Man." It happened so fast, how'd I'd get so sprung on him so quickly, yet so infectiously. The things that changed about me after I met him, were and are positive changes, things that help you seize Life as it was meant to be seized.

Suddenly, things took a U-Turn South. Things were steady at first. Then, they sped up slowly, he started calling me baby out of the blue, then I remember one day he was telling me how much he had missed me in the previous days. I felt the same, then "You love me...?," he asked. This was at week 3. I brushed it off, and figured he was just so wrapped up in the moment, and it was like the next most romantic thing to say. I set him straight on how I really felt and made sure he knew exactly where I stood on "Love." It wasn't anything I played with loosely, and if was to happen, it would in due time. It was actually nice getting to know the guy completely for a change. I really enjoyed myself. Then, I think within his mind, he began to take things up several levels without consulting me first. I suppose I was naive to allow things to take off the way they did---I've paid for every date that we've ever had. It was really no big idea at first. He'd just lost his second job, meaning less income and more month at the end of the money than money at the end of the money. I understood, cause I'd been in a silimar bind before. So, it was forgiving. Then, his car had some unforseen misfortunes and he asked me for help to get it fixed. I had empathy for his situation, so I complied and gave him $100 towards his repairs.

Now two weeks later, he decides to put his other car in the shop--which mind you, is a show car----without having the proper funds to get it fixed. He just sends his car to the repair center, no really having any set plans as to how he was going to get it out. I found out yesterday that his plans actually involved me. Granted he had come to me previously about the potential of helping him fix his second car, but I'd also firmly informed him that I had other priorities, and that I could not help him. Granted I've only known this cat for like a month and a half, which is all the reason why I find the entire situation to be uncanny. Basically, he puts his car in shop, not having the means to cover the repairs, but expecting me to help him cover. If, I did that, who's going to cover me. He's so convinced, because he's seen my house once, that I'm some rich kid, who has all this money to spare. (1)No one pays my bills for me but me. (2)I live in my mother's house which she worked damn hard for (3)don't judge a person for their outward or materialistic appearances. But what is really is pissing me off about the entire situation with him, is that he's so unrelentling. I tell him 'no.' And basically he floors me until he gets a yes. Coercing me with "baby" this and "boo" that. Yeah, I'll admit that shit is real nice to hear every once in while, but don't be cruel and use it against me. I really don't want to believe he's trying to use me, cause I really feel like he cares---and this not trying to be that typical 'I'm so head over head, I'd do anything" type sprung lover. I like him, fa real. But what I think has happened, is that he's convinced himself that we're more than we really are to one another. To him, I'm more like his future husband, who he's been with for a while, and he's treating me as such. He wants me to capture his world and take care of him and look out for him, but truth is, I'm not ready for what he's wants. I always thought that I would be the one moving too fast in a relationship, but he's really doing too much for me right now.

I want to stay with him, and get to know him, and make whatever it is between us work. I just need for him to take 10 steps back. I like him, a lot. And he knows this, and I know he feels the same, even before money was introduced. But I think he's so consumed with the notion of me being his 'guiding light,' that he forgets that I still really don't know him, I'm only human, and that all I have is 'me' to look out for 'me'. If I did have his back, then who's going to have mine? Is he going to stand for me, when I have nothing? I'm tired of being nice, It's like you do one good deed in your life, and people just continue to look for more. It's so hard to do great things in people's lives, when there is no appreciation. You show appreciation not by thanks or acknowledgement, but by convincing the deed-er that what you did for them is not being taken in-vain. I'm thru being people's push-thru, punch bag. I just want it to be over.

"Believe"--Raheem Devaughn

Mr. Man wants to get his second car fixed. Hes a car enthusiast, and he wants me to pitch in and help. I feel like if we were together for a lil while longer then i might not hesistate. Mind u i just gave him 100 to fix his lart one and weve onlx known each other not even a month. Is he using me or does he see as like his future husband, and just expects me to. I dont want to feel used. But i like him a lot. Wat do i do?

This is an official test trial of blogger mobile. Hope it works! Hi to myself, by the way. I love me!

Right now, my life's pretty damn uneventful, to say the least. I've recently moved from ATL back home with Mother in the state, where everyone across the nation is convinced that everything is "Bigger." Ain't shit here big, but the bigotted minds of the unreformed people that populate this Godforsaken place. I'm tyring to make due. But shit here is really beginning to irk the fuck outta me. I'm a pleasant guy, truly. But there are things in life, that I must refrain from to keep that way. And right now, what's pissin' me off more and more each day, is a this job I have to show my face at 7am every waking morning.

I thought waiting tables was stressful. But nothing I've done so far has literally made me come home and weep....literally, I leave this place and I'm rolling in tears and all the niggas lookin' at me 'like wat the fuck is wrong with this fruit.' Granted I am an emotional wreck, but not in public. I feel like the lowest of all low when I walk into that building and compromise everything that I've worked so hard to acheive for myself mentally and emotionally. My intergrity, my intelligence, my confidence, everything about me, I must toss aside to please others people. And I'm tired. This is really one of the most wreckless things I've done in my life.

My employement outlook: Sprint Wirelss Customer Care Rep. You laugh, I know you do...but really, you don't know my troubles. When I started, I fugured, this looks to be breeze. I sit here on my ass and talk on the phone. I was wrong in the first to judge. I knew the job consisted of two things that I don't particularly have a liking to: sitting on my ass and talking on the phone. "Normal" people would look at me and be like "wat the freak is wrong with you." You get paid to do basically nothing...you're barely expending energy. Well, I don't like being worthless. But I digress.

For 10 hours/5 days a week I must sit and sit and sit and listen to disguntled customers literally bitch and bitch and bitch, and oh, did I forget to mention BITCH about everything they hate about Sprint and the "incompetent [...]you people" they hire to service their supposed "loyal"...oh, i'm sorry "valued" customers. You couldn't imagine how this wears and tears at my soul. Maybe I'm some new generation "KO," but I can't do stress, I can't take worries, I can't deal with "issues" all the fucking time. I really thought I liked people...but more and more each day, I literally am disgusted at the fact that I am one too. I don't really expect anyone to understand exactly what I'm feeling about this job, but it really hurts me. I'm a really good-hearted kind, intellect who thrives on goodness....goodness of love, goodness of life, and goodness of the people. And right now, the people are making my life a living nightmare.

I worked yesterday (Friday), and got to a point where I knew if I took one more call, I would bitch the hell out of whomever gave me face...or in this case "verbal." I knew for a fact I either would have broke down on the phone, or been extremely evil to the next "valued customer." So, I simply got up from my little cubical, like I was exiting for lunch, hit that loggout button, and dismissed myself. I took my hour-long lunch, and decided to say fuck my last 4 hours of production time. So, I call management over the break, and told her I had an accident and wouldn't be returning. Can you believe this witchy bitch had the nerve to ask me "Are you hurt..." ..."No, I'm not. But I have to stay here and handle this," I replied. "Can you really not come back to work"..................HOLD ON A HOT FUCKIN" MINUTE!!!!! BITCH I JUST TOLD YOU I HAD AN ACCIDENT ON MY FUCKIN WATCH, NOT YOURS. I KNOW GODDAMN WELL YOU JUST DIDN'T QUESTION WHETHER I WAS COMING BACK IN THAT SORRY ASS PLACE YOU CALL WORK AND FINISH YOUR PRODUCTION HOURS. YOU GOT 200 OTHER PEOPLE IN THAT BUILDING, ON TOP OF THE HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF REPs ACROSS THIS MUTHAFUCKIN WORLD, AND YOU GOT THE NERVE, BITCH ,YOU REALLY GOT THE NERVE TO ASK ME "CAN YOU REALLY NOT COME BACK." Needless to say that got me hotter than fish grease!! I almost went off and told her where she can take her measly $8.24 an hour, but I'm really not like that. I actually think before I speak....

I trying to finish this last week out, and then I'm gone. I really can't do it. I forbid to ever do Customer Service again. I will not deal with another stranger's issues. I can't, I can't, I can't. It's not for me...catering to the needs of other people who insist on being rude, disrespectful, controlling, manipulative, and demanding is not cut out for a dude like me. I have too much pride for Bullshit.

I just need to get back in school now...2months more. I hate the workforce. I just pray to God that I don't end up with a degree and career to follow that I can't make work. I'm just the type of person that when I'm not happy, it shows. I've always wanted to control it, but it doesn't work. I hate for things to make me unhappy, make me sad, and make me cry. I really do. And the only thing in this world that's keeping me smiling right now is "Mr. Man." He really makes me a happy man. He makes me smile, makes me laugh, makes me enjoy my life, like no one before him has. And, boy, do I love that. It's not even anything sexual either, he just keeps me content being near him....because he's a happy man, always smiling, always enjoying his time, his life, his world.

And so, I thank God for his presence in my life. Even if what we are in this moment does not last, I'm just thankful. Thankful because I do have something to find pleasure in, to find joy in. He truly brings me joy. And that's why I can say dispite a stressful, worrisome job, I still have MY JOY.

"Missin' You"--Mary J.

I don't know, y'all . 'Mr. Man' could be somethin' special. Like fa real, now, we are really trippin' on each other. I went on my first date ever last week, and it was real special. He's such a cutie, beautiful smile, beautiful face, niggas just beautiful. At first I wasn't really trippin on him because he wasn't callin' me. And when a nigga don't call, I feel like that's a sure sign that he don't want yo ass. So, I was like, that's cool. I had figured that maybe he was again, just a dude wantin' to get in my pants (which I gotta stop lettin' happen to me. I've already blogged about this, but like I said I already know better). Anyways, we had a real chill time at this restaurant and I really got to see a part of him, that I had no idea existed. He reminded me so much of myself, man. Like all smiles, happy, free dude. And he's really sweet to people. He kept telling me how intelligent I was, how he knew I could aspire for greatness in my life. People tell me shit like this all the time, but it's nice comin' from him because it felt real sincere. So, of course, I was cheesin' all over, which he adored. He read my palm, telling me he sees love from this really handsome dude, with a great smile...yadda yadda...I was like how you know...but it was cute. O my Gosh, he held my hand in front of all these hickish-lookin' people. I was soo nervous. I'm like nigga...we're in Texas, c'mon. But he didn't even care, which made me real happy.

I'm not tryna jinx anything, but I like him. I really missed him this last week, and I found out he missed me too. So, we chillin' again this weekend. Real excited. I'll be back with the details...

So Fa Real

At what point in your life, do you determine and learn to determine what is and what is not proper. I have so many varying and conflicting dimensions of my personality that just consistenly oppose one another, and I'm at a place right now where I can no longer figure out what's better for me. Mostly, I'm speaking in regards to my relations with other people. For me, relationships aren't an important aspect of my life right now. Honestly, I have not the desire, not the patience, nor the time it takes to make something so consuming work. To date, I've been in one relationship, with on guy, and honestly I will say that it wasn't the best. So, in some sense I am biased when in comes to being tied down. I'm not looking to be committed to anything or anyone that's going to try and stop me from achieving whatever it is that I need and want for my life. Too many times, I've seen in my friends relations, that you get locked. You become so wrapped up and consumed with pleasing the other person, and trying to "complete" them that you loose yourself in the mix. And that's not cool with me. I've always held that I'm an individual first, and everything else last. I'm tryna live my life for me, 'cause I'm all I got. If the relationship goes sour, who's going to look after me then. So, depending on others to fulfill me and complete me, is completely out of the question. I think because I've spent so much time by myself, I've learned a lot, and I've figured out just from watching other people, what it is that I do and don't want from other people. That's why, despite whatever the terms or grounds that a relationship is set, I keep a security barrier on. No matter whom it is....I keep myself protected. I'm not coming out looking like a fool because I allowed someone else to control and manipulate me, then leave me to sulk in my OWN despair, that I brought on my 'OWNSELF.' It's ridiculous to me. But I digress....

The real issue that I'm having is trying to choose between what I know and I feel within is right when it comes to intimacy, sex, and relationships, and a combination of what I want/I need/and what I strong-heartedly desire. As, I stated before. I'm not looking to be in a relationship right now. I'm 21 year old. I have an entire life left to devote to that when the moment so presents itself. I don't see any hurry, and furthermore I haven't seen the potential. Not everybody are you meant to be with, right? But that's just my problem. Okay, being gay, many a times an opportunity presents itself where a guy is interested in you. It happens to me all the time. And I'm okay with that. But it seems that because it happens so often, I feel a little more promiscuous every time. I've only been with like 6 or 7 people. To some that's not a lot. And when I really think about it, it really isn't. But 6 out of those 6 or 7 times, the relationship has been strickly.....dickly, I suppose you can say. It wasn't a relationship, and I was obviously okay with that, otherwise I wouldn't have gone through with it all. That's fine. And the one time that it was something more, I dreaded nearly everyday of it. Hence, the reason why I'm Semi-Anti Relationships. The reason I don't feel so bad about being with 6 guys in like a year and a half, is because (1) I wasn't looking for anything (2) With each guy I had more than a few occasions (no one-night-stands). But the thing now, that I can't seem to fathom, is 'do I come off as being easy?' Why out of the 6 or 7, 6 were completely sexual and/or intimate. I mean, with a few of them, there was the potential for something more, but I wasn't really interested in pursuing anything. I mean, do I have the face or the persona that says 'I make an incredible fuck?' I mean, I'm not disputing that I don't, I'm just saying, is that what guys perceive of me. Do I come off as more objective to other guys. I don't wear provocative clothing of any sort; as a matter of fact, I would say that I look more like the "relationship guy." The guy who never fucks around, is always faithful, and loves his man. That's how I would describe my outter appearance. Maybe I'm reading a bit too deeply, but every guy I've been with seems like completely obsessed with my sexiness. Not to come as conceited, but these are their words.

So now, I've met a dude. A dude that I so far, can see potential in. He's incredibly sexy, has an very chill, laid back personality, much like me, and that's what I like about him. The other major thing that I love about him is that he's mature. I mean, a lot more mature. I was surprised when he told me, cause I just couldn't see it. But he's 30, and I'm 21. But I swear to you, he looks 24. He takes very good care of his body, and the thing about it is, that he pursured me. Like I didn't even notice this dude at first. Then he just picked up a random convo. about my glasses, which was really odd, so I brushed it off. But he was persistent. Which I admired. I've only know him for not even a week. But I see potential. I wanna know where this can lead, not saying a relationship, per se. I just wanna know where it leads. I know that takes time, but the issue is that I think I might have fucked that chance up. The day after I met him, we got intimate....in a car. My first....it was very unusual for me. I'm afraid that that incident, might have screw the chance of him looking at me, and vice versa, differently. Is it because we got intimate (nothing serious) the day after we met, that the grounds and terms for what to expect, is already set? Or could it be that, we were just two sexually and intimately frustrated dudes, that were extremely attracted to one another, that got down because we were weak. I just don't want him to think that I'm easy or that we can't see where things lead. That's what I wanna know--where it all leads. I could probably deal with us being 'strictly dickly,' but it's not really what I want from him right now. I feel connection with him, and it could just be the fact that he's older, that I expect him to be more mature and not want something just strictly intimate. So, my question is how do I let him know that I want to get to know him, without coming off as being desperate or going to fast in too little time?? It seems that I'm looking for substance, you know. It doesn't even have to be relationship status, I just don't want anymore SEX ONLY status. I suppose I've matured some. Cause a year ago, I didn't mind just sex. But now, it's something new. I want sex, but I want there to be something behind it. I just don't want things to move too fast and I don't wanna fuck up "potential." So, how do I do it?? I'm tryna let this dude know I like him. Just not only for sex....


"Part-Time Lover"---H-Town

SoFaReal

Letting people go is sometimes one of the greatest thing you can do for yourself, especially when that person ain't doing you no good but bringing more drama and destruction into your home and your temple. Today was the ending of something great, and the beginning of something great. I finally let the person I called my best friend--my only true friend--go. Why? It's simple. The one bad thing that he ever did to me and for me, overrided all the other goods he ever did. Usually people would say you allow the good to conquer the evil. But I finally rose to a point in my life and my relationship with him, that I couldn't do no more but throw my hands and annouce a forfeit. All he ever did was reek havoc and chaos into my life. Constant drama. And all I can say is that it made me "wanna holler." Everything and anything was something major to him that he had to read something into. He could never things to just be. To him everything had a reason. Granted, I can understand that to some degree. But when everything that stinks seems to revolve around you, you lead people to draw away...and further stay away. He will miss me when I'm gone....

Mariah Carey_Without You

I have been goin' crazy, almost literally over this performance and song. One of the most incredibly emotional song I've ever heard in all my life. I can't pin point why, but it brings me to tears. There's so much passion and depth in her vocals that's its indescribable. And that is....SoFaReal.

I was thinking to myself yesterday at work, while sulking in a wee bit of depression....who do I believe could be the one person that could make me happy in this very moment (or at least take my worries from me just for a little while). I thought and I thought....imagined myself in that person's presence and them attempting to console me...make me feel better about the struggling life that I lead. And as I went through each person....I still felt the same emotionally when I imagined them....an embrace from my mother--No....encouraging words from my religious aunt and uncle--No....insiteful thoughts from my grandmother--No....and finally there was one---the only person I've ever really cared about in an emotionally loving way...."my boi." And although I know we've had our problems and worries....there's still something there for me to know that he still has my back. I know he's said somethings to me that hurt so bad, and I've done somethings to make him feel the same...but in any and all things we've endured, I still feel like no one....no one can do the things for me he's done. I was in love with "my boi," but what about that experience---even though I know that what we had is over---keeps me feeling what I feel about him. I know he would never hurt me intentionally and only has my best interest at heart. And I understand that more now that we are only just friends. I just love him for who he is and what he's done in my life. Despite what I've done to him, I know if he knew that I truly needed him there for me, he would be....put everything else aside, forget everything that's happened...he would be there for me, because our relatioship is based off only love, and not disagreements and upsets that cause bitterness towards one another. That doesn't dictate the virtues within us to be good to one another. And because of that, I can't have nothing but love for him. I know he's my source of savior, no matter where I am in life and who I'm with, he will always be my back-bone. That's true love. Sometimes I feel like I just want to fall into him, be one within him, and share the essence of him. I know that man's soul, y'all. It's so hard to explain how I feel about this man, and it's not even an in love thing....it's something so much more. I know it, and I trust it.


SoFaReal

So, here's my problem: I'm working a fucking dead-end job that comsumes every bit of my life, and it's leading me to a place where I'm not only being worn down to the core, but I'm beginning to loose my individuality. I feel like everything that i do, resolves around that little place of employement named Chili's. Every since I've been there, I feel like I'm a completely different person, and I don't even know what things interest me anymore. I've been feeling these things for a while now, and yes, I've even tried to get out of this hole that I'm in by looking for another job, but nothing seems to look up for me. And it's funny how I know why I hate Chili's and why I feel like I need another job, but for some reason I'm just convinced that things will get better for me. But I truly believe that tonight was my final straw and what really set everything off for me. I was there from 5p until about 10p and I kid you not I had all of 5 tables on a Friday night, and made $20. And if there's anyone out there who knows about serving, you know damn well that i had a FUCKED-UP night. Friday fucking night. I was pissed the fucked off; and on top of that they had me doing To-Go, which i by the way, wasn't getting paid for, and I had this party with these ill-behaved ass kids who tore napkins and shit all over the fucking place, and who were fuckin' up shit all throughout the fucking restaurant. I was mad because #1) I have to clean that shit up and #2) they didn't fucking tip me shit, and took up all of two hours of my goddamn time. That's a lot of money I could have been making. And don't y'all go and start judging me and shit, talkin' bout all I care about is getting money out of people, and shit. That is not the fuckin' case. I make goddamn $2.13 and hour, none of which I see, and all of my money comes from tip. Every cent that I spend, every bill that I pay, every tank of gas that i fill...all comes from my tips. My sustaining life depends on that shit. That's why I'm fed the fuck up. I'm just tried of serving stupid-ass, ill-mannered ass people, who ain't about shit. I'm just tired of this shit. I feel like serving is a fucking trap. You get into it, and it's alright at first, but then they start wantin' you to work more shifts, do more work, stressin' you the fuck out, and on top of that I'm at a slow ass Chili's. Don't nobody give a fuck about Chili' no more. I'm just tired of it. That's my point. I can't do it no more. I'm not the person I use to be, I can never do the thing I desire to do, and I'm just losing out on the experience of life too much to continue. I feel like I don't belong to myself anymore. Who am I, and how can I go about retaining that life that was once within me? Help me find my truth....


SoFaReal

"His Fire Within Me"

removing things of the past

is something undeniably tough to do

reconsiling the great emotional mass

and trying to unmark all the feelings that i felt for you

i know it's unhealthy & my mind keeps tellin' me its okay to be free

but truth be told, you're the greatest thing that's ever happened to me

its so hard to say goodbye to your yesterdays and all the things you knew to be so real

i remember when you first called me your hubby

and from that point on, i realized it was my heart you were tryna steal

but now that's all a memory of the "what was"

and as surely as dusk falls

so does the passion i once felt to which i gave my all

this is truthfully the best thing for both of us

parting separately to venture in our own ways

but still making certain, close by we'll both stay

and if fate so brings us back on some randomly appointed day

inseparable by a mutual vision of truth, love, & even lust

our hearts then must be like criss & cross---not truly one without the other

and that we must only trust.....

~~~~~~~~~~

SoFaReal

So much has happened within the past couple of weeks that have turned out to be some of the most uncanny events of my life. I attended this youth service, or lock-in, at my church last week, which I for one thought was not going to be all that great. I mean, the church is off the chain, but granted most youth services are teen-like informatives, convincing youth that they need to be in God's ministry. It's very preachy and skips around to sugar coat the truth about the world. The forum was for ages 18-35, which I thought was far-fetched but I went anyways. It started with an open-mic/poetry reading which was cool and expressions and emoton ran high. I nearly shed a tear or two. Then we went into these classes devoted to help us as a youthful, christian people, open up about out feeling and concerns regarding certain areas that come up during our haunting days as young people: these included purpose in life, being single and concerns in relationships, and lastly sex. I was fine in the pupose session, thinking I was going to walk out of there with my life's purpose written in the palm of my hand, but it didn't happen that way. I pretty much figured that this sesssion, in particular wasn't helping me, personally. Somehow it all went back to the Bible and God, which it should, but at the same, it just didn't hit home for me...As I left though, I did understand that purpose is not just something that comes and knocks the wind out of you, but more a thriving, working effort, you must put forth energy to develop. It not something written on paper or even determined by an education degree you receive from university. It's more something you have to work towards. You can't stop and give up and say well it never came to me, so maybe I have no purpose. It comes as a result of you working continuously at life and making the best of what you got. You find your passion in what you do...you must indulge or involve yourself in it first before you actaully know. And I understand, I haven't necessarily been actively working towards my purpose, which is why I don't have one, or a passion. I find that I sometimes give in too easy, but mostly my problem is that I judge, or knock it before I try it. Which is obviously my flaw. Something I need to work towards. The next session was being single and relationships. This is where I started to become annoyed. I'm just sitting there in the room, and everything that the man is saying is apparently relevant, but to whom? No mot. Everything was put so eloquently and in good perspective, but it almost meant nothing to me. He spoke of marriage with women, being single and happy, and setting standards and establishing boundaries for relationships before they begin. But for the most, he seemed to be speaking directing to the ladies in the room, which was okay in the beginning, but then I noticed a change. I understand that God created man and woman in the beginning of creation....and I understand that this is the cliche way to exemplify things within the church...but, I too understand that not everyone in this world feels what the next does. In the sense of being homosexual and heterosexual, respectively. Everything from his mouth was your wife this, you your husband that, and marriage this. Why not just say mate, or partner for that matter. But when I think about it, maybe this was done on purpose. The minister who was obviously well-educated, and just may have been aware of the connotations that "partner" and "mate" brought with them, whereas in the Bible, which was undeniably his life/purpose-driven reference of choice, and what he bases all his knowledge from, states clearly that God created woman to be a man's wife. No other (I suppose was his point) shall lie in her place. The session really got to me and I felt almost attacked for feeling the things that I did. The room was filled with pro-heterosexual themes, that I for one could not relate to. I felt isclated, and the funny thing about it, was that I saw another guy in the room who was feeling the same thing, cause he kept looking over at me, as if to say, "what are WE suppose to do with this?" I'd met him earlier in the evening, and he just set off that vibe for me...you know what I'm talking about. (I think he left after that session, cause I didn't see him for the remainder of the night, and now when I think of it, this nigga was texting the entire time!!) So, I walked away from that session feeling alienated from all the people I'd been forced to make nice with earlier that evening. Awkward. Reluctanly I went on into the next session, coyly entitled "S-E-X." Lucky me. I was about to embark on an experience of Christian-crazed ethics and morals regarding sex and fornication. Although it wasn't what I expected at all, in fact everyone was very candid about their experiences and feelings towards the topic, almost to the point of pure shock, it still turned out to be one the most emotion drivin sessions of the night. The talked of saving yourself for marriage and how if you did, it would be a beautiful thing when the time comes for God to bless you with your husband or wife. How, although it wasn't okay for one to sin against God through fornication, it can still be forgiven, though not without it's consequences. See, what I did learn from this, was that fornication is the only sin you can commit against God with your body, or more, with his body. And because of this, consequences are high because you have basically sinned against thyself and violated God Himself, directly. Sad, but asssumably true. So, I ran with this, and basically became depressed about everything I've ever done, and figured my lack of blessings and the cause of all my troubles, whether mental or physical, were due to the decisions, poor decisions I might add, that I've made concerning my sexual and emotional well-being. I figured I'm suffering the repercussions of violating not only myself, but the Father, Himself. Then, once I'd grasp that, I started to fall further into sadness because of the feelings I'd had for another man. And if it was wrong was me to feel these things for another man, let alone have sexual relationship with, then it must also be wrong for me to ever think of myself as ever finding love in this world, aside from the love of God. If it was wrong for me to desire love from another man, or as they saw it---lusting, then it was obviously wrong for me to be a homosexual, and futhermore anything I'd ever thought about myself to be. I am obviously wrong and undesirable in the eyes of God. That nearly made me sick to my stomach. After that session, I became an emotional wreck, and couldn't help but to breakdown everytime I even thought of God lookin down upon me. When they announced the call to the alter, I was one of first to admit myself, for I truly felt a spirit, God's spirit move me. He told me to go, so I went. I just cried, and I cried, and I pray and cried, and boo-hooo-d and cried, and then cried some more. This light-skinned minister layed hands on me, and prayed for me to overcome whatever struggle it was that I enduring. I think he understood exactly what I was going through, because the call was specifically for those who needed deliverance from sexual impurities of such. And I was a guy, and I think he just knew. His prayer was powerful, moving, and sincere. He meant everything he said, and I thank God for him. I cried in my hands, as he left to pray for the other, and while there I just recited my own little words to God. I basically told him, I wanted no more of the homosexual things of my body, and for him to take them all ways, and make me new. I think a lot of anger and emotion just came from the feelings I get when I'm surrounded by the like of gay men. I feel disturbed, filthy, and often times unnerved in their presence...not that all of them are, but gay men, as a whole have really focused themselves into an area where all they seem to be associated with is sex, lust, pleasure, and of unworldly things that disconnects them from the reality of the world. I feel like the environment is so impure and unrealistic to the point where people hearts nearly break to see the sort waste themselves and sell their beings so short of what God intended. Just in that moment I felt overcome by it all, and I wanted nothing more to do with any of it. After my personal prayer, the minister came back over and hugged me, for what seemed like the most honest outreach of sincerity I've ever felt. Almost as if he felt my pain, and...God I can still feel it....it was Love. All in Love. No man has ever embraced me the way that man did, not even my own father, not my uncles, not my brothers, no one, no man. Sad that it takes a stranger to exude the true comrade and love men should feel for one another. That man cared. And I felt it...I felt it.

After that service I was lost for what happens next. What do I do? Start dating women? Force myself into heterosexuality, something I knew nothing about; I mean, I can't pretend to be something I'm not. I'm not straight, but how do I overcome my feelings for men, when I've lived with them since I can remember. It's all I know. I've never wanted to get in a relationshp with a woman for fear of breaking her heart and not loving her the way I needed. I'd feel like I'm depriving her of all she needs and desires as a good woman loving, what is suppose to be a good man, but secretly living a lie. I don't want that for myself. I don't wanna live a life and continue something that is unreal. But on the same token, I wanna live right by God, and from what I know, who I am, is not of his will. I've been tryna figure out what it is that keep me from receiving blessing bestowed upon me in God's will, and everytime I question myself, I always come back with an empty canvas. No answer. But now I found something. Maybe I'm holding onto something God himself has been trying to tear away from me: Homosexuality. If this is so...I worry. How will I live without all that I know. I'm not afraid to say yes to His will, but I'm more afraid to say no to what I thought was me. It's hard, because I struggle with two opposong worlds....the physically one that encourges me to be who I am and live without regret...and the spiritual which tells me this is not of me, and for that you must suffer and bear the the consequences. It's frightening. I'm lost between something I can see and feel, something tangible, and something I can only trust through faith and hope. Why must life be so difficult? To make matters worse, "he" has entered my life yet again, and I feel, rather I know something will arise from it. Lord knows I want it. But to whom will I answer "Yes?"


SoFaReal

So, on my way home from work tonight I had a thought....Why is so hard for people to be in love, and be real about it? Why do people fall out of love so easily. I couldn't find an direct answer, but my answer to myself was that most people in the world aren't real with themselves or their life, for that matter; and futhermore truly have no idea what the idea of love is about. I think too many people give up so easily on what they supposedly and promised to themselves was an ends to an end. Love to me is the most superior none-tangible thing in the world, and it controls who we are to ourselves and one another. I believe that when two people fall in love, instinctually they forget about themselves and begin to focus on the reality of what really matters during that time, which is exactly what's supposed to happen. Love is the most selfless act one can do. You looose all control and begin to do and say things you never thought imaginable. But somewhere in the mist of all that love, people's peripheral becomes blinded...cloudly and they loose sight of why they fell in love to begin with. They forget what the vision of love is and what it is to love. Love is a certain devotion, a dedication to someone other than yourself, whom you believe is worthy of the world and more. I say all this to make the point that some of us expect too much and perfection where there is none....us. We ourselves are too imperfect to give and give everything that our mates or potential mates expect. Some people expect everything to fall in the place they desire it to be, and have this particular vision of the way their love life should develop. We aren't accepting of our reality of imperfection and therefore lose and miss out out on one of the greatest things in the world. We all make mistakes, because we were born that way, yet and still it is our duty to make the proper decision, which is why we have reason. A lot times in relationships we just need to learn to forgive but no forget, and live yet live with a slight caution. You can't control what isn't in your control. We can't always understand why our friends and our partners do the things they do, but the least we can do is try. You never know what they are going through and what they are feeling. I believe that everything happens for an exact reason, like love. That's why we should fight at all cost, the right to keep it. It's too rare to be lettin' it go.

For those of you out there, who are still searching like myself----Don't loose hope. God hears you, he know what you're in need of, and he's gonna give it to you. If God so loves the world, he'll find a place in his own love to share love with you.

"Dandelion"--Tevin Campbell


--So Fa Real--

It's like reachin' for somthin I know you won't give
Those sharp heart-felt pangs nearing desperation
Wasting time and some tears
And tryna release myself from the aching that only I feel
My pleads and damn near begs
Meant nothing cause you still went out
And found some otha nigga against your will
I said I was sorry for what I did
Poured my heart out to you....swore my life to you
Anything you'd ask of me I probably give
I just wanted you to understand....
hurting you was never in my plan
My soul was weak, Heart even weaker
Yet I still knew and you remained....
The truth and only Man
Baby all I want is your love for me
Your heart to stay with me
And promise I'll always be down for you
You had me from hello....
And hopefully one day you'll realize
You can have me til' Goodbye.

There was this guy, or should I say man, in my life about a month. He's obviously not here for me anymore, but my feelings for him still remain. I can't explain, but in the same, the explaination seems quite obvious. Love. I was in love, and still am in love with this boy. And believe me I've tried, I've tried hard to fight what I feel for him, and convince myself of what will never be. But something fights back every time. I wanna keep faith, and I wanna keep hope of possibility...but then I know it's unhealthy for me emotionally to claim what is not mine. He's told me...."I can't be with you...." "I don't like you anymore." But in his voice I hear heart. In his voice I hear hesistation. In his voice I hear him crying. He says to me, "I feel bad for what I'm saying to you, but I really mean it." I can't pinpoint it...but I know it's love. And by no means necessary am I desperate for him...I think of him nearly everyday, and I mentally seek the possibility, but I'm not dying for him. I just know that what we had was something too deep and too thorough to just let go like we did. When I said my last "Goodbye" to him, I was saying "Baby you stiil have my heart and I need you." There was a tense pause, and then his "Bye." It was the softest, sweetest "bye" I'd ever heard from him...and I knew there was something more he wanted to say, but I had to let go. There's too much for me to go into details, but I just want him to know I ain't got nothin' but love! Nothin but....I pray he know he still has my heart, and hopefully not only he but God sees it fit for us to be what WE meant be.

This is my return...Ive been gone for a while now, but I'm back.